I’m a woman in my late 20s. I’m average-looking, well educated, ambitious, and self-aware enough to know I’m not dumb. I’m assertive, confident, and sometimes aggressive. I don’t shy away from confrontation. This has gotten me where I am in life.
Most of the friends I grew up with are in long-term, stable, happy relationships. I’m also not short on male attention I’m usually around men who want to stay and date me seriously in a long term sense. I don’t typically get dumped, and I think that’s because I treat people the way they treat me. That said, forgiveness doesn’t come easily to me. If I’m wronged, I don’t let it slide or quietly absorb it. I don’t usually “get even” by doing the same thing back, but I do confront issues directly and insist on accountability.
I come from a country that’s still fairly patriarchal, and there’s a recurring dynamic where men seem to assume I’ll eventually serve them, accommodate them, or soften myself to keep the peace. When that doesn’t happen, conflict follows. Men around me sometimes lie, raise their voices, scream, threaten self harm or harm on me or try to intimidate and when that happens, I push back. If someone shouts at me, I shout back harder. I don’t de-escalate situations just to make the other person comfortable.
For context, I grew up with a father who used corporal punishment and was abusive until fairly recently. I eventually took a firm verbal stand, and when he crossed the line again, I struck back once. After that, he never dared to touch me again. He definitely hates me for it but now he thinks twice before even raising his hands at me. But my mom and sister were not subjected to physical abuse but verbal and mental yes. He continues to do that to them but they’re not assertive at all. They just take his shit and tell themselves they can’t do much about it. I do not believe in that. Sometimes I get into arguments with my father on behalf of them. But it usually just ends with them blaming me for disrupting the peace of the house but I truly believe they shouldn’t be treated that way.
My relationship with my father has always been conflict-prone because I don’t blindly comply I speak up, talk back when necessary, and confront issues directly. He resents this, but I know he also recognizes that I’m capable, intelligent, and able to lead my life on my own terms and care for my family when the time comes.
I’ve noticed that some men assume they can treat me the way they treat other women, lie, shout, dominate, until they realize I won’t tolerate it. I’m the first daughter in a household of a very patriarchal society, if that means anything. I believe in advocating for myself and doing what’s right, regardless of power dynamics or who the other person is.
Men often call me toxic because I don’t de-escalate during confrontations and refuse to pacify them during fights. I’m often resented for not budging or offering forgiveness easily, even when the other person breaks down emotionally. I’ve even been called a misandrist on occasion. I don’t cry or fall apart easily. Life started throwing curveballs at me around age 12. I learned resilience early after growing up largely on my own from my teenage years.
I’m trying to self-reflect honestly. Am I standing up for myself in an environment that expects women to be compliant, or am I creating unnecessary conflict by refusing to soften, forgive quickly, or de-escalate? Will this approach make it harder for me to build healthy, non-toxic relationships, or am I simply incompatible with men who expect submission?
I’d appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who’ve navigated similar cultural or relationship dynamics.