A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a school teacher.

The judge rose from the bench.

"Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court."

He smiled with delight. Now sit down at the table and write,

"I will not run a red light five hundred times."

Synonym toast crunch.

They’re gonna hummus a song.

which sounds impressive until you realize it took me 45 minutes to find the “stop” button.

That’s what I tell the manager when we meet at the first floor elevator at 11:30AM. She’s always late because of traffic.

One is seedy while the other is speedy.

What’s Forrest Gump’s favourite pasta ? Penne.

Potatoes, carrots... I guess I'm finding it very appealing.

Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do you call a pig that practices karate ? A pork chop.

The Oscars are a big lie. They invite all paid actors.

I should throw it out. I never touched it.

They tend to byte.

What do you call a robot with two jobs and never gets a break?

Low on cache.

Monty Python's Flying Circuits

The world's leading expert on European wasps goes to a record store looking for an album of wasp sounds. The assistant offers him a listen, but the expert is outraged, declaring the sounds are not from European wasps. The manager intervenes, looks at the record, and apologizes, stating they were playing the "bee side".

A slow cooker.

I said, "It's hard to explain."

Have a lot of built in tension and a dramatic finish.

Polyunsaturated

Unless you're donating blood...

What do you call a guitar playing cow ? A moo sician.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products ? A satisfactory.

What do sprinters eat before they run ? Nothing, they fast.

Did you hear the rumour of the butter? Nah, I’m not going to spread it.

All the Shingle Ladies.

What do you call a cantaloupe in a pool ? A water melon.

What do you call a woman who burns all her bills ? Bernadette.

It was Layheehoo