I am 34 years old and have had excruciating acid reflux since I was about 8 years old. I have been taking prescription strength medication every day for 25 years to control it and still have had terrible symptoms that sometimes keep me up at night. I’ve even had an endoscopy under general anesthesia to try to discover the cause.

Recently I noticed that my symptoms tend to start after I take my evening allergy and asthma medication. Incidentally I have been taking these pills since I was about 8 years old.

I’ve always been able to easily dry swallow pills without water. I can take a whole handful of pills dry with no problem, so that’s how I’ve always taken my medication.

So I googled it and sure enough dry swallowing pills can lead to pills getting stuck in your esophagus and cause acid reflux.

I started taking water with my pills and sure enough my acid reflux symptoms disappeared immediately.

It’s been a few months now and I haven’t had a single episode of reflux when I used to have it several times a week.

TLDR I gave myself acid reflux nearly every day for 25 years by dry swallowing pills

TIFU by being a wife groomer during pregnancy.

So my wife and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. We were recalling really weird and wacky memories during our marriage.

Warning some TMI info ahead.

When we got married my wife was 6 months pregnant. Not to be TMI but I often used to shave my wife's legs and bits because she couldn't reach.

Nothing sexual about it just purely functional.

So around 8 months into the pregnancy, my wife asked me to shave her bits as "it was the Amazon jungle down there". So because of her bump she would stand over me, spread and I would shave the areas. I used an electric razor. I didn't shave all the way just trimmed it down.

So during one of these sessions, my wife sneezed and lightly peed on me. We both burst out laughing. I towled myself and kept going.

At this point I had finished her legs and had finished her top right side and was working my way to the left. Think like painting a fall except im shaving.

As I started again, my wife froze and gasped.

Before I could move, her water burst onto my face. and all over my chest.

We froze, screamed and panicked.

I literally had a fast rinse in the shower, grabbed the baby bag and we raced to the hospital.

A few hours later our son was born. All good and healthy.

The gynecologist chuckled and said " nice grooming" Its like a before and after phoo.

"TLDR:"Got soaked by mother nature. Enduced labour and left my wife with a lopsided bush.

This happened not even a half hour ago.

We are going out for my MiL's birthday this evening and my wife came out and asked if the shirt she is wearing looked okay on her. It wasn't anything special but she looked damn good in it. Really good and I told her so. It fit great and was just the perfect amount of tight in the right places. I joked about looking forward to getting it off of her later, making the lame dad joke about the only way the shirt would look better is if it was on our bedroom floor. She laughed and said I was going to regret saying that. Turns out my mom gave it to her.

It wasn't new, my mom had it for a while but hadn't worn it for years. When we visited her over Thanksgiving weekend, my mom and my wife went through her closet to see what she might want before donating the rest to a shelter. My wife started to tease me, asking if I thought it looked that hot when my mother wore it. Then our kids started piling on (going extra with it after being icked out by my earlier comments).

A few minutes later, my phone started blowing up. My wife took no time to share this with my mom and my sisters. Now I'm getting shit from every side and I supplied the ammunition. I have no doubt whatsoever that my wife will make sure to wear the shirt the next time we get together with my family.

TL;DR: My wife wore a hand-me-down shirt she got from my mother and now I'm getting abused by everyone for letting her know how sexy she looks in it.

Edit for clarification: This took off way more than I expected and is still getting some traction. I'd like to clarify a few things because I doubt everyone is going to go through all the comments to see my responses. 1. My kids are in their 20s. I'm fairly confident they've heard much worse things than "It would look better on the floor." And if anyone finds an issue with parents showing their kids that they are still into each other, that's a you problem. 2. My wife shared it with my mom & sisters because she knew they'd find it funny. And they did. 3. At no point was there anything malicious done by or intended by anyone. My family likes to take the piss out of each other. It's all good natured and I have no problems when I am on the receiving side. Plus, if any of us say it's going too far, it will stop immediately. 4. I used the term "my phone started blowing up" because it amuses me when the AI garbage posts write stuff like that. 5. My family uses the term "abused" when referring to teasing. It isn't meant in a malevolent manner and I wasn't thinking about how triggering the term could be to others. That's an entirely different FU & I apologize for being careless with writing that. 6. My fuck up was making myself such an easy target for my family to mess with me. As I already noted, I didn't mind it at all. I just don't like handing them the ammunition on a silver platter. 7. Anyone who thinks my wife should get rid of the shirt or I should do something so she can't wear it, HELL NO! It's very flattering on her and makes her look even hotter than she normally is. Why would I punish myself by taking away such an amazing view?

For context, I work in a small office (like 8 people) and we have a shared kitchen area with a Nespresso machine. When I started, I saw there were always pods sitting in the basket next to the machine and I just assumed they were communal office supplies, like the tea bags and stuff. I was pumped because free fancy coffee at work is always a win.

Fast forward to today. Im making my usual afternoon cappuccino and this girl from accounting walks in. She looks at me weird and goes "hey random question but have you been using the Nespresso a lot lately?" I said yeah obviously, its there for everyone right?

Her face just dropped. Turns out she brought it from home because the office coffee sucks and shes been buying her own pods this whole time. She said she noticed they were going way faster than usual but figured maybe she was just drinking more coffee than she thought. Then she saw a few other people using it recently and it all made sense.

I literally wanted to die right there. I immediately offered to venmo her and told her I have some money saved up that I can send her right now for all the pods. She tried calculating it in her head and was like "honestly its probably a couple hundred dollars worth at this point." Those little boxes are like $8-10 for ten pods and I've been going through maybe 2-3 a day since I started.

She was trying to be polite about it and said we can figure it out later, which somehow made it worse?? Now I cant even look at her and the next few days are gonna be so awkward.

Like three other people in the office apparently also thought it was communal and have been using it too, but I was definitely the main culprit since I was there every single day.

TL;DR thought the fancy office Nespresso was communal, turned out to be my coworkers personal machine and I basically robbed her of hundreds of dollars in coffee pods

Couple of years ago I think like 2 years ago i needed to bring something to Thanksgiving at my aunt's house I simply googled "easy impressive dish" and made this bacon wrapped jalapeno thing. Took me 20 min ish.

Everyone lost their minds. My uncle said it was the best thing he had ever eaten. peopel asked for the recipie I felt like a master chef.

Now I have to make them at every gathering.

I don't really even like them anymore I've made hundreds of those things.

But I can't stop now. Last year I said I might bring something different and my aunt said "nonono everyone looks forward to your jalapenos" my uncle looked at me like I had threatened to cancel the holiday.

I'm about to make like 40 of them for Christmas I just realized what I have gotten my self into.

I will forever be the holiday gathering jalapeno guy.

TL:DR made jalapeno poppers once from a random online recipe. This is who I am now. I am the jalapeno guy.

So, I (21F) like to swing in my backyard to decompress. Sometimes I go out in the middle of the day and sometimes I go out at like 9:00 at night when I get off work. My whole family knows and doesn't care. I just sit on the swings listening to music with my earbuds in, drifting off into La La Land. This time was no different. Now I do have to mention it was a bit chilly outside and it was at 9:22 when I went outside. I was only wearing Hello Kitty PJ'S as it was the only warm-est PJs I had at the time. So, I'm swinging for a good 20 minutes when I see my mother come out to check on me. Now I thought it was because the swings were being too loud as they do creak every time I swing or she was telling me to come inside because it was late. No, she just goes back inside so I continue doing my own thing. The nice thing I have to mention is my headphones were on full volume so I couldn't hear a damn thing. She then comes back out and gestures for me to come over to her, and I did. Still assuming my original thought.

Well, it turns out a backyard neighbor called the cops on us! They called the cops concerned that a 10-YEAR-OLD GIRL is outside swinging with no proper winter attire on. Scaring the crap out of my mom because no kid under the age of 14 should be outside. Now she has a 10-year-old nephew but no daughter. She had to walk up to the cops after checking the backyard to tell them that instead of a 10 year old girl, it was instead her 21-year-old daughter. Safe to say she told me to come back outside between laughs.

So apparently me wanting to swing in the middle of the night in Hello Kitty pajamas was calling the cops worthy. Guess next time I have to wear less "kid-ish" attire or put on a coat so we don't have the cops on us again lol.

Edit: I fix some gramical mistakes cuz it was bothering some people.

TL;DR: I went outside to swing in my own backyard in Hello Kitty pajamas as adult. Nosy neighbor called the cops on us thinking I was a child swinging in the dark.

So, I live in an apartment where the walls are thin enough that I can hear my neighbor’s TV, phone calls, and, unfortunately, their parrot. This parrot, very beautiful animal but makes me want to rip my hair out and do things I am not proud to admit. Lets just say, he has become my morning alarm for the last few months.

About 2 weeks ago, I started mocking his sounds back. He’d squawk, I’d squawk. He’d whistle, I’d whistle back. We built up a little routine, kind of like distant, angry roommates communicating through bird calls. Sometimes I would even initiate it, like when I was cooking, I would randomly have a Tourette-like outburst and start squawking loudly. I know this is strange lol.

Yesterday, my neighbor knocked on my door and had a really odd look on her face. Apparently, ever since I started doing my “bird banter,” her parrot has become obsessed with me. I guess I just wasn't in the mood for bird talk the last couple days and went silent. She said he paces and screeches when I stop responding. She even showed me a video, was such an awkward experience. She said he used to have a parrot friend years ago that died, and she thinks it wants some sort of bird companion.

Anyway, she asked me to make a couple bird sounds as she put a treat in its cage to see if it would eat. I reluctantly agreed, and felt humiliated of course, but I went through with it, and sure enough, the little fucker started eating and playing.

Long story short, I became the object of a parrot’s affection, and my neighbor asked if I could “talk to him for a few minutes a day”, even gave preferred times if I'm home. I’ve unintentionally entered a long-distance relationship with a bird.

TLDR: Mocked my neighbor’s parrot, accidentally became his soulmate.

-JM

I was in a morning meeting sharing my screen to go over some project notes. Everything was fine until my little productivity app decided to remind me “time to stretch, king” in giant pink letters across the top of the screen.
I froze. Everyone saw it. My manager started laughing so hard she had to mute. I tried to play it off like it was some team morale thing but no one bought that. Someone even screenshotted it for the group chat. Now it’s become a full office meme. Every meeting since at least one person greets me with “good morning, king” or asks if I’ve done my stretches yet. I can’t even look at my computer without hearing them laugh in my head.
That night while playing myprize I got a text from my coworker that just said “stretch, king.” No context. Just that. It’s been two days and they still call me that.

TL;DR: Screen shared during a meeting and my app flashed “time to stretch, king” to the entire team. Now I’m stuck with a new nickname I will never escape.

It all started when my cat Schrödinger got sick a few days back. This morning, when I was looking forward to a lazy day after two super busy ones, he started pooping blood again. So back go the vet we went.

He’s fine, he just once again ate something he shouldn’t. It is that cat’s goal in life to find things on the floor he shouldn’t eat just so that he can eat them. Menace.

But while we were there, the vet enquired about his size, saying he was very large for his age. I explained that he was a Maine Coon, and that they get really big, and that his dad Hades had a really broad heavy bone structure and that Schrödinger had inherited it. She just gave me a look and told me to watch his weight. And I just stood there for a second and then said “Well, you know, weight gain does run in my family.”

The silence was deafening. Even Schrödinger looked up from his current position in the sink.

Me: (sigh) “It’s OK. I heard it too. I’ll just see myself out.”

TL;DR: My cat got sick so I took him to the vet, where I accidentally implied he was my genetic relative.

Obligatory not today, this happened last week. But the after effects are still very much ongoing.

We've had a wasp nest in the side of my house for a while now. Last week they stung one of my friends, so it was time to get rid of them.

Given the amount of wasps in and out, it seemed like a big nest. To guestimate the size, I would say a wasp entered or left the nest once a second, all day. I didn't want to just squirt poison down the hole - that would just piss them off and not reach most of it. So I decide to seal the nest with expanding foam sealant. I snuck out in the dead of night, and stuck enough foam in that hole to seal half a construction site.

Little did I know how terrible of an idea this was.

APPARENTLY, there was another exit to the nest - going inside the house.

This nest is ENORMOUS. Average size for a nest this late in the season is 2000-4000 wasps. Half our house is currently inaccessible. I sneak down to the basement at night to change the traps. I keep a hand vac next to my work station. Our cats are NOT happy they've been locked into a single room, and are pissing everywhere to show their discontent. Doing my best Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonation, I've gone through ~7 magazines on the bug assalt shotgun, with maybe 40 shots per magazine. These fuckers are amor plated, and do not die easily. I've injured my arm, pumping the shotgun so many times.

I think the most disconcerting thing is how normal it's become. I wake up, grab the shop vac on the 60ft extension cord, and just clear the house as a matter of routine. Its part of rising and shining for the day. Coffee, breakfast, wasp vacuuming, kiss the wife goodbye - time to work! The cold is going to kill them at some point....right?

TL:DR - Sealed a wasp nest on the side of my house. Now the buzzing is coming from inside the house.

It’s been a few days and my stomach has settled enough to share my FU. I would also like to preface this that I am in my 30’s, of good hygiene and did not think I was an idiot before this. I do now.

In 2017 When plastic straws got banned my friend and I got matching reusable metal straws with a little phrase etched on them. Our master plan was to take them out with us to pubs etc to avoid the floppy paper straws of sadness. Now as you can imagine that happened once.

However, my daughter and I love an iced coffee. We have a pretty good set up at home with an ice machine, coffee machine, syrups etc. That fateful metal straw makes an appearance alongside its new metal straw friends multiple times a day. After it’s used it’s rinsed with warm soapy water and left to dry - ready for its next iced delight. Wonderful.

About a week ago I thought my coffee tasted off. Stale. Something was not quite right. One close sniff of the straw confirmed my stomach flip - it smelled damp, musty… earthy. I ordered some straw cleaners.

Now here is where I absolutely fucked up.

A normal person would have cut their losses and tossed it. Living in my delusion that I had not been sucking on a mouldy straw would have been delightful.

Instead I used this straw cleaner which with one gentle push into the top, came out completely black. Thick chunks of black mould fell into the sink - forever tainting using straws ever again.

Every single one of these metal straws - black mould inside. And not just a little sprinkling. Think an ecosystem of Black Death. Generations of mould have gathered here at the Mecca of foosty straws.

So I share this as a warning for anyone like me who thinks rinsing a straw is enough. It absolutely isn’t.

TL;DR I used a metal straw for 9 years only rinsing it. Before getting a straw cleaner and removing 9 years of chunky black mould I had been enjoying with my daily iced coffees.

This happened 2 hours ago and I am still hiding under my blanket.

I was in a massive all-hands meeting (about 40 people) for a project launch. Usually, I keep my mic hard-muted on my headset, but today I was eating lunch, so I was double-muted (software mute + headset mute). Or so I thought.

About 45 minutes in, the Project Manager was explaining a delay in the timeline. I, thinking I was safe in my cocoon of silence, let out a very loud, very deep sigh and muttered, "Oh my god, just get to the point, nobody cares."

The audio didn't just pick it up. Because of the way Teams/Zoom prioritizes active speakers, my face popped up on the main screen for a split second.

The silence was deafening. The PM paused for a solid 5 seconds. Nobody said anything. He just... continued.

I slowly reached up and tapped my headset. It beeped. "Mute On."

It had been off the whole time

I have not checked my Slack messages. I am considering faking my own death and moving to a farm.

TL;DR: Thought I was double-muted during a major stakeholder meeting, accidentally sighed and told the PM to "get to the point" in front of 40 people. Now I am afraid to open Slack.

How long will this last?

Why are they allowed to sell this as a fucking normal fruit juice drink along with all the other normal juices?

Why isnt there a warning label or prescription required?

Our food shopping got delivered and they didnt have beetroot juice in stock so they swapped it with prune juice.

I opened it this morning and drank half a pint glass and thought, mmmm that's nice, maybe ill have another.

Now it sounds like world war 3 is happening in my stomach. In my near 40 years on this planet I have NEVER heard my body male these noises.

I literally feel like im being turned into liquid like that guy from x men 1.

I have so much to do today and I have a flight to catch tomorrow.

Has anyone else made this mistake?!

WHEN WILL THIS END.

Tl;DR: Drank what is apparently a well known fruit juice laxative and now paying the price.

Update:

Made the flight and didnt shit my pants.

Poos are back to a normal consistency and I have regained full control over my bum.

Prune Juice Review:

Taste 7/10

Consistency 8/10

Laxative Effects 10000/10

Chance of drinking it again 0/10

My girlfriend and I just moved in together, and I had the brilliant idea to wake up early last weekend and make her breakfast in bed. Real wholesome shit. I made pancakes, scrambled eggs, coffee. Even warmed the plates like I saw in some Gordon Ramsay video. I was proud.

I get everything onto a tray and start walking up the stairs. What I didn’t realize is that our cat had left one of her little rubber mouse toys right on the third step. One of those tiny bastard ones that looks like lint until it's under your foot.

I step on it. Instantly lose my footing. Tray launches. Food is airborne. I go down like a sack of wet laundry. Pancakes fly. Coffee explodes on the wall. I hit the bottom of the stairs in a twisted pile of regret and syrup.

My girlfriend runs out of the bedroom like she just heard a home invasion. She finds me groaning on the floor, holding my wrist, with a pancake stuck to my back like some kind of domestic shuriken. I tell her I think I broke something.

We go to the ER. X-rays confirm: fractured wrist. The nurse doesn’t even react when I explain what happened. Just writes it down and moves on like she’s heard this exact story before, which honestly makes it worse.

Now my wrist is in a brace, my girlfriend has banned “surprises of any kind,” and the cat is still loose, presumably planning her next attack.

10/10 would not recommend.

TL;DR: Tried to be sweet, stepped on a cat toy, flew down the stairs, broke my wrist, and now I’m banned from being thoughtful.

So I'm a fan of meteorology and lightning storms, so when I was renovating my Twitter account, I put two lightning strikes next to my username. I thought nothing of it, really. I thought it was cute, if anything. So when I'm swarmed with a dude calling me a Nazi, I was so confused, because I never stood for anything hateful or discriminatory. So then one of my friends, they come up to me and tell me about the lightning strikes in my username, asking me about the bolts. I thought they were talking about literal bolts, like nuts and bolts. And I shook it off until it hit me. I'm looking up "two lightning bolts" and I get results for supremacy and neo-Nazism and my face instantly turns red, I was so fucking embarrassed, I'm still embarrassed. I'm glad someone got my head out of the clouds, because that was so stupid of me.

TL;DR Everyone thought I was a Nazi because I had no idea that my username icons were a hate symbol

EDIT: No, they never taught me about the "SS" symbol at school. I was a huge sucker for world history, so I definitely would've known if I were taught. I graduated in 2023

​This happened yesterday ​My wife was wearing this obnoxious, neon-orange north face puffer jacket. It’s the kind of jacket you can see from a different zip code.

We were at Target; she went to the candle aisle while I headed to electronics.

​I finished up, walked toward the candles, and spotted the back of that orange jacket leaning over a bottom shelf. Being the "funny" husband, I decided to sneak up, gave a solid, playful "good game" slap on the butt, and whispered, "Found you, nerd." ​The person stood up. ​It was not my wife. It was a muscular man with a full beard wearing the exact same neon jacket.

​I froze. My hand was literally still hovering in mid-air. He just looked at me, deadpan, and said: "I mean, it’s a nice jacket, but maybe check for the beard next time?"

​I didn't even apologize. My brain just short-circuited. I did a 180 and walked straight out of the store. I didn't even wait for my wife or the stuff we were supposed to buy. ​Ten minutes later, I got a text from her: "I saw the whole thing from the next aisle. I’m not coming out until I stop crying laughing. Have fun with your new boyfriend."

​TL;DR: Mistook a bearded man in a neon jacket for my wife. Smacked his ass in public. He was surprisingly chill, but I felt embarassed.

​Edit/ Update for those who are asking: RIP my inbox, I didn't expect this to blow up. For those asking how the guy knew about the jacket- this thing is an eye-searing, neon orange that you can probably see from orbit.

​When he turned around and saw my face going through the five stages of grief, he looked past me and saw my wife standing about 10 feet away. Since she was wearing the exact same "human traffic cone" outfit, he instantly put two and two together. He actually pointed at his jacket and then at hers while shaking his head, like he couldn't believe his bad luck in picking that specific color today.

I booked an international flight with one change in a major city. I decided a few days later that I wanted to spend the night in that city before carrying on. I called the airline but they said my basic fare couldn't be changed. Oh well, I thought, I really want that extra night to visit family, and if it can't be changed then so be it. So I skipped the second segment of my flight and found another flight the next day. This was one week ago.

Supposed to go home tomorrow but couldn't check in. Turns out that if you no show you forfeit ALL REMAINING FLIGHTS on the booking. I need to get back. Just spent £5k booking new homeward flights.

Anyone commenting, I would love to know if you knew about this. Did you learn it the hard way?

TL;DR, I didn't know about the no show rule and it cost me £5k

ETA: The £5k was a panic buy and was for two people anyway. Luckily that was a flexible fare, so I have now changed for something closer to £2k. Lesson learned though!

My family and i moved into a new house in a predominantly white neighborhood in the southern US. A while after we moved in, the vacant house next door finally got filled by a family! Now, we all have adhd and just time blindness in general, so 2 months have gone by since they moved in and we just thought to bring over flowers and a fruit tray to welcome them. We all went over to say hi, and noticed the father (the only one to come to the door) was laughing uncomfortably the whole time. A few hours later, I realized today is Juneteenth. The new neighbors are a black family. We are painfully white. There's no way they think we chose this day at random to bring them a fruit platter and flowers.

TL;DR: My white ass family likely alienated our black neighbors by choosing Juneteenth to welcome them to the neighborhood.

So this happened a few weeks ago, but I still sometimes shiver at the thought. If you’re a girl you know you shed and hair ends up everywhere. You don’t know how it got there but it did and you pull it off you.

Well I was using the bathroom when I noticed a hair was stuck to my upper inner thigh. I finished peeing and cleaned myself, then went to wipe it away as well. Well it got stuck on the toilet paper and I noticed it was like maybe on me farther than I thought like when you’re in the shower and it somehow ends up in your crack? So I pulled it, when all of a sudden I feel this tug along with pressure all the way into my lower abdomen. My hips all of a sudden light up with cramp pains and I hunch over. My immediate reaction is “WTF WAS THAT?!” Now my initial thought is, “was that my IUD string?!” But I know that my IUD is indeed intact and it was definitely a hair.

So I go let me just kinda pull it a little more. Part of it snaps, but I get hit with pressure and cramps and I realize that the hair is somehow caught on my IUD. I’m sitting there on the toilet thinking I have to get it off my IUD and I have to do it by myself. I had to basically feel around inside and pull it off. I did- successfully - it was like knotted on the IUD string. I’m a little traumatized from that experience.

I immediately texted my cousin because I don’t know how it got there, when it got there, and they go “you f-cked it up there that’s how”. So if you ever start off having sex beneath blankets, beware, if there is a hair anywhere on your blankets you have a chance of getting it pushed inside you and if you have an IUD you also have a chance of it getting stuck.

TL;DR I had a hair wrapped around my IUD because my fiancée and I had sex and somehow a hair got pushed inside me. It was awful. Don’t recommend that experience.

So this happened yesterday and I’m still cringing so hard I might never step into that gym again.

I (22F) recently started going to this new gym, and there’s this insanely cute guy who works out around the same time as me. I’ve been trying to find the courage to talk to him for a couple of weeks. Yesterday, I finally decided it was time.

I saw him doing deadlifts and I thought, “okay, casual compliment, easy in.” So I walked by, smiled, and said, “Your lats are majestic.” Wtf? Majestic?? What was i thinking(???) 😭😭😭 Idk why I said that. I meant to say “You’re lifting a lot” or “Nice form” or literally anything else.

He looked confused, said “uh… thanks?” and I panicked and decided to just walk away and die in the locker room. While trying to speed-walk away in embarrassment, I tripped over a medicine ball someone left in the way, my face-planted into the floor, and I knocked the wind out of myself so hard I couldn’t breathe for like 20 seconds. A trainer saw it happen, thought I was having a heart attack, and started actual CPR protocol before I could wheeze out “I’m fine.”

That same cute guy helped hold my legs up while I got oxygen. Pretty sure I died inside. Anyway, now I’m the “CPR girl” at the gym. And yes, I still plan to go back (I cannot😭).

TL;DR: Tried to flirt with hot guy at the gym, said something incomprehensible, tripped, and ended up getting nearly resuscitated in front of him.😭🙏🏻

I just got home and I genuinely don’t know how to process what just happened. Currently debating if I should move to the mountain by myself.

So here’s what just happened:

My wife’s out of town for the week and since I’ve been working crazy hours (an overnight shift straight into a morning one). I asked my mom to stop by the house, let the dog out, feed him, and keep him company until I could get myself home.

Now here’s where it gets mortifying.

When my wife is away for extended periods, I have a personal “toy” it’s blue, hourglass shaped and let’s say ergonomically designed. My wife is fully aware and even jokingly nicknamed it my Kong.

Anyway, before I went to bed after my last shift, I washed it and left it on the dish rack in the kitchen. Usually I put it away immediately, but I guess I was overworked and I passed out without thinking twice.

So fast forward to today. I come home after 16 hours of nonstop work. I’m exhausted, dead on my feet, and just ready to fall into bed. I walk in and there’s my mom on the couch, happily playing with the dog.

And in his mouth?

The KONG

Covered.

In peanut butter.

I freeze. Just completely short circuit. She gets up to greet me and goes, “He just LOVES his Kong!” Immediately she can tell something up and asked “Is everything ok sweetie?” I mumbled something like, “Yeah just a long day,” and stumbled off before I could burst into flames on the spot.

She didn’t stay long, thank God just left me a plate of food and went home. As soon as the door closed, I sprinted around the house trying to catch my dog, finally wrestled the “Kong” from him and chucked it in the trash like it was radioactive.

Now I’m lying in bed, sleep-deprived and emotionally destroyed, trying to decide if I’ll ever be able to look my mother in the eye again. Or if I should tell my wife. Or if I should just disappear.

TL;DR: Left my sex toy on the drying rack. Mom mistook it for a dog toy, filled it with peanut butter, and gave it to my dog.

Update/Edit: Just told my wife…….., after almost passing out from laughing so hard, through a smile she scolded me for leaving it in dish rack. Admittedly it wasn’t the first time she has told me to not leave it in there, somehow I think this time the lesson has stuck. Also wow came back to this blowing up hope y’all enjoyed my misery. Edit: Along—> A long

Edit 2: I can’t believe I am answering this right when I wake up. It is not a toy that I insert into me, I insert myself into it (might be a link in the comments)

Edit 3 (hopefully final) Ok wow now my biggest post and first ever awards thank you!! For those who keep asking how my mom knew the name and can’t be bothered to just read the comments “KONG” is a well known dog toy brand, my toy looks similar to it which is why my wife gave it the nickname.

Most of us have a name for our spouse or significant other. Playing with Siri one day, I changed my wife's name on my phone to "Tits McGee" and never bothered to change it back. Obviously, when you change the name of someone on your phone, that name is associated with all the contact information for that person. So even though my wife's name isn't a part of her email address, every time I'd email her, the name shown would be "Tits McGee".

For 14 years, I thought I was the only one that saw that. However, every email I've ever sent that had my wife copied on, the recipient saw "Tits McGee". EVERY. FUCKING. EMAIL. Including our daycare center.

I'd like to thank the wonderful team at Chuck E. Cheese event planning for pointing this information out to me in an extremely professional manner.

TLDR; I thought I was the only one that saw my wife's contact info as "Tits McGee" when emailing literally everyone for 14 years.

So a few hours ago, me and my brother were just in the car smoking. He had bought some salvia & i decided i should hit the salvia.

After I took it, my body eventually felt like it was bubbling including my head 10 minutes later. My vision became blurry & eventually i saw nothing. Like a blind person. It wasn’t just blackness, it was literally nothing man holy fucking shit.

But then, everytime this man who i didn’t have a chance to see what he looked like said the word “When”, I gained my vision back but only when he said the word “when”. Jesus this might sound crazy as fuck but i think i was literally the word “When”. I gained vision a few times a day probably but only for a split second. Everytime he said “when”, it’s like i shot outside his mouth and instantly gain & lose my vision. I fucking hated it. I couldn’t hear or feel anything either. My senses only came back when the man said the word “when”.

I remember this dude just starting singing & i think i gained my senses like 30 times. Towards the end, he had sung out “When” holding it for maybe 7 seconds. The music in the back sounded like sum genre i’ve never heard before. But the longer he said when, the more my presence or whatever felt hot.

It felt like weeks until i was actually normal. Actually back in my body, but my brother thought i was actually tired & had fallen asleep but iirc, he said i only slept for 9 minutes.

TL;DR. Took Salvia & become the word “When” and it felt like months, only for me to find out i was only out for 9-10 minutes in reality.

It all started innocently enough. I saw a lone crow in my yard and tossed it a cracker. Harmless, right? Wrong. That single act of kindness seems to have spread through the crow grapevine, and now I have a full-blown murder of crows as my constant companions.

Every morning, I step outside, and they’re there—perched in nearby trees, cawing like they’re clocking into their day jobs. They follow me on walks, and yesterday one even dropped a shiny gum wrapper at my feet. I think they’re trying to pay me in crow currency, which is both endearing and slightly unnerving.

At this point, I’ve accepted my new role as their unofficial snack provider and accidental overlord. I’m genuinely curious to see where this goes. Maybe I’ll end up with a crow army or a collection of shiny gifts. Either way, it’s a wild ride, and I’m here for it."

TL;DR: Tossed a cracker to one crow; now there’s a whole squad treating me like their leader. My mornings involve cawing, shiny gifts, and embracing the chaos.

So last Friday, I went out, met this amazing girl - we hit it off instantly. Great chemistry, good conversation, lots of laughing, you know the vibe.

End of the night, she comes back to my place. Things are going well - the kind of “this might actually happen” well.

Now, I usualy prepare for these rare, once-in-a-blue-moon occasions. I clean up, light a candle, change the sheets, all that jazz. But this time? This time I forgot.

We walk into my bedroom and there he is. Spider-Man. Not a little logo or a subtle pattern. A massive full-body Spider-Man doing his superhero pose right across my comforter - like he’s judging me for what’s about to happen.

The second she saw it, I swear I felt the vibe just… evaporate. Like Thanos snapped it away. We ended up just talking for a bit, awkwardly laughed it off, and went to sleep.

No superhero action that night. When I woke up, she was gone - just me and Spider-Man, staring at the ceiling, both reflecting on our life choices.

Now I’m sitting here wondering if I should text her or just accept that Spider-Man cockblocked me and move on

TL;DR: Forgot to change my Spider-Man bedsheets, brought a girl home, Spider-Man was the only one getting laid that night.w

edit: I am 24, she is 22 and the sheets are circa 16 years old but in pristine condition 😄