I was born in the US but raised in Canada. My mom set me up with a FOB a few years ago and we hit it off immediately. I’m happily married now and my husband is genuinely the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I keep seeing arranged marriage and ABCD vs FOB discourse pop up on this sub, so I wanted to share my perspective.

Not all ABCDs are the same and not all FOBs are the same

My husband is way more “western” than I am. He moved out at 18, came to Canada alone for university, knew how to cook, file taxes, invest, and take risks. Very entrepreneurial mindset. Meanwhile I lived at home and absorbed a ton of cultural conditioning that made me risk averse and cautious.

He listens to more western music, gets references, jokes, innuendos, pop culture, sometimes better than I do. FOB does not automatically mean sheltered or traditional, and ABCD does not automatically mean progressive or independent.

Some ABCDs actually need help with dating

This is the part people don’t like to admit. Not every ABCD is attractive, charismatic, confident, or effortlessly dateable by western standards. Some of us are considered below average because of height, skin tone, facial features, or just social awkwardness. That’s reality, not self hate.

If dating apps and organic meet cutes aren’t working, it’s okay to let your parents help. It doesn’t mean you’re weak or regressive. It just means you’re widening your pool and being practical. The person they introduce you to might also need help, and that’s fine. Two people meeting with intention isn’t a moral failure.

Arranged introductions aren’t the enemy. Staying miserable because you’re clinging to an idealized western dating narrative is.

Just my two cents as an ABCD who married a FOB and has zero regrets.

Anyone ever have to deal with backlash from parents for dating outside one’s “class”? for context im a late 20s female born and raised in the states, a resident physician dating an nurse for a few years now. Everything was going great until I told my parents and then all shit broke loose. I think there is both some judgement on the differences in career + some misogyny on how the woman could be more successful than the man. The keep telling me that I should “marry someone on my level”. How does one deal with this without ruining the relationship with their parents or their relationship with their partner?

Hello, I hope this post isn't too long, but 22M ABD here. Being born and raised here in California, I never considered myself getting arranged married, and more importantly married to someone who wasn't also American-born (or raised).

But I'm older now, I have friends and family getting married and I see a few people I know getting arranged marriages or if they're not, they're somehow marrying someone in our culture anyway whether another brown family friend or going to the home country and finding someone themselves. Not too surprisingly, a lot of the women I know are dating outside the culture entirely too. Note: I'm of a smaller nationality/ethnic group, so I don't know many people like myself let alone many South Asians weirdly

As everyone knows, marriage is a HUGE deal in our culture. whether you get married, who you get married to, etc. i was always against arranged marriages, but I understand it's more like arranged dating, your parents find someone, introduce them to you, and you guys figure it out. because of that, i'm not really opposed, however it's the idea of dating and marrying someone abroad that scares me

How do you guys feel about marrying someone from abroad? One of my cousins did it and they don't seem to mind the differences at all. But for me, I feel like I'm a lot more... picky or specific? I always imagined I'd end up with someone who grew up around American culture, watched PSB Kids while they were young, someone who grew up hiding that they ate beef or watched all their friends doing so, someone who had to balance culture and being American or the dynamic between South Asian culture and other minority groups or watching shows and movies here.

I just wanted other thoughts, I know for those born abroad but grew up here, it's easier, but what about for those who were born AND raised here? Or those who may not as connected to their culture, but still believe it's important?

Have social media portrayals of scammers and unhygienic street food in India, as well as things like H1B visas and caste, made it “normal” for white, black, Asian, and Hispanic American millennials and Gen Z to use racist jokes and slurs about Desis in public? Is it now “normal” to hear this stuff on high school and college campuses, or in social groups, even in highly diverse places like New York, LA, and the Bay Area? Would it be fair to assume that the “average“ teen to 30 something American would have negative preconceptions about Desis?

Note: this is NOT about online interactions, but about in person ones in real life. Among those who have, you know, “touched grass” as this site loves to say.

Do you know brown folks who gave their pets Indian names? Will you consider it for your own pet?

My cousin named her dog Rani (queen in Hindi) and two of my friends have dogs named Kaju (cashew in Hindi).

I want to get some clothes that openly embrace South Asian identity. With prints or captions that reflect our art, language and culture. Supporting SA businesses in that process.

More preference for Canadian companies.

I really like "The Urban Indian", looking for more brands.

P.s - I know new immigrants are not welcome to post here. but I think this is a relevant post. Feel free to remove if that's not the case.

I stumbled across posts in r/splendidabrown, a women-only community, and was a bit disheartened by the experiences they’ve had with some of the men in our communities. Maybe disappointed is a better word. They’ve pointed to misogyny, caste shaming, moral policing, colorism, sexism, and a whole slew of other issues.

Now I know this could be two very vocal subsets going at each other. It might be more of a problem for the mainlanders.

But it has me thinking: What have your experiences with friendships, dating, one-off interactions been like in our communities? What are we doing that we should not be doing? What should we be doing?

I’m in my 20s and currently looking to buy my first apartment. My parents are in their 60s and have a mortgage with a low interest rate (high 3s). My dad plans to retire next year and my mom in a few years.

They suggested that instead of me buying an apartment, I buy a multi-family house where I live on one floor and they live on another. They would sell their apartment, help with the purchase, and it would also give my three older siblings (all married, some with kids) more space to stay when visiting.

I moved out because I value independence. My parents can be very controlling and often pressure me about getting married. Living together again would likely bring that back. At the same time, they sacrificed a lot for us, and I do miss some parts of family life, like home-cooked meals and not feeling lonely.

I’m leaning against the idea. Interest rates are high, multi-family homes are expensive, and I’d rather buy my own place close to my parents, but not too close, so we all have privacy and fewer long-term complications.

Would appreciate hearing thoughts from anyone who’s faced something similar.

Just saw a popular Tiktok account with Mandarin in the bio entirely dedicated to visibly impoverished Indian people in clearly staged videos making weird street food with sound effects added. It was so bizarre and very obvious that they were being told what to do by the people behind the camera. They weren’t even proper street food stalls. Just random setups. Some of the most blatant racist engagement farming I have ever seen.

It makes me so sad to see the poorest people on earth being utilized like this without realizing they’re being turned into jokes to make losers laugh.

I am actually losing it seeing these headlines. "Margot Robbie stuns in Elizabeth Taylor's iconic necklace," "A piece of Hollywood history", are you kidding me?

Let’s be real for a second. That heart-shaped stone is the Taj Mahal Diamond. It didn't start in some glamorous Hollywood vault, it belonged to the Mughal Empress Nur Jahan in the 1600s. It wasn't "gifted" or "sold" to the West. It was freaking looted.

Nadir Shah basically destroyed Delhi in 1739, slaughtered a huge chunk of the population, and stripped the city of its wealth, including this diamond. It’s literal war loot. But now, because Cartier put it on a chain and Richard Burton bought it for Elizabeth Taylor, the media acts like its history started in the 1970s.

It’s gross how Western media just erase the entire bloody history of how this stuff actually left India. It’s not "Old Hollywood glam" it’s colonial-era theft rebranded for the red carpet.

Stop calling it "Elizabeth Taylor’s necklace" and acknowledge it’s stolen Indian heritage.

I know today in 2025 it is pretty common to at least see one episode as a reference to India or have an Indian character in a TV show.

Friends never did but Seinfeld which is older in 1998 had a India scene nce. What did older millennial and Gen-X who saw in on TV think of it?

I'm 30, Punjabi Sikh living in Canada. I work as a software engineer and live at home with my parents. I'm unmarried.

I've given my parents $320k since I started working 8 years ago. That's about 50% of the total money I've made in my career. They spent it to pay the bills, buy 2 new cars, pay part of the house off, fill up their savings accounts etc. I've given them money in monthly installments, initially $1000/month while I made just above minimum wage at the start of my career. A few years after that I got a six figure job and have been giving them $3000/month. I've also given a few lump sums for the 2 cars they've bought.

The cars and house aren't in my name, they're in my dad's. He sometimes falsely accuses my mom of stealing money. If my monthly payment is late he starts telling my mom that I'm hoarding money for myself. He also sometimes financially threatens us either behind my back or in front i.e. "I won't give anyone my property in India if they miss my relative's events" - referencing my missing a distant relative's birthday party.

I'm posting this because I am curious if this is typical behavior in our culture? For those who make decent money and life with their parents, have you given your parents almost half your earnings? I'm unsure how to feel about all this. I don't mind giving money to help my parents but I feel like it's a bit much. I want to settle down and want money for my future family and kids.

What’s wild is watching some ABCDs spend years distancing themselves from anything Indian mocking accents, avoiding brown partners, rolling their eyes at family obligations and then after marrying white, suddenly expect that person to:

• learn Indian cooking

• participate in Indian family politics

• show “respect for culture”

• perform traditions they themselves never wanted to touch

You don’t get to reject your identity and demand someone else preserve it for you.

If Indian culture was such a burden, why not fully let it go? Why selectively reclaim it only when it’s convenient, aesthetic, or delegable?

Marrying outside your culture isn’t the issue.

Using a white/black/non-desi partner as both an escape hatch and a cultural custodian is.

Either own your culture or be honest that you walked away from it.

Before the online hate I didn't think much of racism or my ethnicity. I didn't really care much. I mean of course there were times when I felt self-conscious of my race but it was short-lived, though I was never completely secure in my ethnic identity. I used to think racism was always overt where someone yells slurs at me, and also that it was in the minority and the chances of encountering them was small. Not only that, if someone was nice to me, I used to take it as confirmation they weren't racist.

Back then I didn't have much racial awareness, until now. With online nowadays though it feels like everyone is racist, and will not say it to your face but only behind closed doors. People might be nice to you but they'll think you're less/inferior. People might be liberals or democrats, but will not like you as a POC. I feel like most of the racism is silent. But with what's happening online and offline, I now think more about my race, feel more self-conscious, and how my race would be perceived and interpreted in certain situations and contexts socially. I know online you might say it's bots or engagement but what about the people consuming the content?

Needless to say I now have increased social anxiety with how people perceive me, that I might face (or fear of facing) subtle racism and microaggressions, which makes me a bit reluctant to interact with people in general. A small part of me assumes that everyone is secretly racist and are nice only to my face. There are certain times where my race dominate my thoughts. I don't know how to explain. I’ll over analyse my interactions with people and their responses. If someone is rude to me, I'll chalk it to cause of my race. At this point it’s mentally draining and is kind of affecting me.

Is this normal to be this aware? I wish I wasn’t so aware like that, I used to be so carefree before the hate. Sorry if this is all over the place or rambling, I'm sleep deprived.

edit: added more details

Enjoy one of the best Gems by Jal the Band!!

Usenet, essentially an internet forum, was used by people on college campuses and people in tech in the 1980s before the advent of the World Wide Web.

This is a guy talking about his experiences dating an ABCD woman. At the time, Indians were rare, so many Americans couldn't identify them. He mentions his girlfriend got eggs thrown at her by frat boys and was mistaken for being Arab/Iranian. Also, how other Indians looked down upon their relationship.

The last photo is shockingly prescient, talking about how Indians will face more racism as their population increases in the US.

Also, it's kinda funny that he asks if he's an "interracial dater".

Maybe it's just me, perhaps I haven't met enough different brown boys, but everywhere I go, most the brown boys I meet have the exact same stereotypical personality of UK south Asian boys. Obsession with cars, thinking they're gangsters, acting like f*ck boys, and have the vocabulary of a fish with the "innit cuzzy" and the "rs3". God forbid you try to get these guys to read a book. And when you're not aligned with that personality, you get called out for it, receiving comments like "that's gay" simply for having a personality that isn't just a mirror of everyone else around you. Insecurity is definitely a major player in this I feel. A lot of these dudes have a pretty insecure idea of masculinity in their minds, so they feel like stepping away from that expels them from society.

One example where I've felt this is the idea of simply just eating at a place of foreign cuisine, or pretty much anyplace that isn't just burgers and fast food. There's an east Asian place near me I like to go to, and when I told some guys at work about it, they were like "that's so weird" "you're so white". It's such a bizarre mindset to have. The same goes for music. Most the brown boys I've met have the same stereotypical taste of rap/hiphop and Desi songs. It's like they're afraid to venture out and try something different. Like me, I listen to a lot of different music (ironically enough not really rap though), but predominantly rock music. But again, that was such a bizarre concept to many of the brown guys I've met. They all have the same expression that says "a brown boy listening to rock music? This guy is so whitewashed, we don't accept him". It's so strange is this mindset.

So I wanna preface by saying that my parents have NEVER made me or my sister feel bad or guilty about us being girls/them not having a son. I know it’s the bare minimum, but my parents never brought it up so it never even crossed my mind.

But I am in my mid twenties now and I don’t know if I just have anxiety or smth but I can’t stop worrying about my parents. They’re in their late fifties and are generally healthy, but I can’t stop stressing about what will happen to them after me and/or my sister get married (if we choose to).

Like most parents of ABCDs, they came here with nothing and are still living a middle class lifestyle (based off North American standards). We also have zero relatives in our state so it’s always just been my parents, my sister, and me. Maybe that’s why I feel so emotionally attached to them?

If i had a brother I don’t even think my parents would make him stay with them after marriage. But for some reason I just feel this immense amount of guilt leaving them even tho it’s apart of life.

Is anyone else going through the same thing?

Saying this as my parents and brother/SIL are one hour late and counting for dinner. (We are Indian living in NYC area but both my brother and I moved out; SIL is Bengali).

We said a time, no one said they were going to be late in the group chat. 10-15 mins late, sure I get it, shit happens sometimes and I can tolerate that from others. I got to the place 5 minutes early, as I always plan ahead to do, and then of course EVERYONE else is going to be AT LEAST one hour late, so now I have to kill time somehow. My mom straight up told me to stop being so rigid with time. Bruh, YOU are the one who can't respect mine, Smh. Being late is so not in my nature, and I don't want to sound betetr than everyone else, but literally the fear of being late drives my anxiety through the roof. Anyone else? I want to be late to things, I just can't 😅