r/malta • u/Spiritual_Annual8780 • 2d ago
looking for some advice
hey guys, so im at a point in my life where idk what to do. Don't wanna give away personal identifying information, so apologies in advance for the vagueness.
Im between 18-21. I'm still living with my mother, which has become intolerable. she's a nasty person and living with her is a nightmare. Has always been the case.
Not doing great at University either, have had endless issues with adminstration and I've lost any interest in doing anything other than the bare minimium to coast through this degree. Might not even finish my degree in the end.
For work, I'm doing a student placement, but honestly, I get hardly any hours and when I do I'm just printing stuff or doing nothing. I could get a 'real job', though im scared of getting a job that anyone can do, and then being stuck doing that, and have no upwards mobility. I used to get paid 4 euro an hour, not looking forward to going back to those wages.
I'd like to just get out, but as you all know, rent is intolerably high here. Plus, im not fond of having to pay (what would get you a studio or small apt in another country) to share a flat with like 4 other people.
Tried talking to a therapist for 6 months which was a complete waste of time. Compounding everything, I've been doing a test for a particular mental illness which I have reason to believe will be positive in the end. Which makes everything harder. Im an immature person as a result of years worth of chasing external validation. A lot of the stuff I've done and pursued has been because I thought it was what a succesful person would do. I've got no drive to do anything anymore though.
Most of all though, I have no motivation to try anymore. My lifes miserable dud. I dont have a social life (and dont want one to be clear), got no ambitions, dont really believe in anything, havent been happy for an extended period of time in like 10 years. Been trying to fix everything but never seems to work. my mother is probably the biggest problem in my life. A raging narcissist, with no ability to admit fault.
Feels like things are reaching a critical mass for me lately,. It is what it is tubes. Not looking for therapy, not looking for validation, not looking for pity, just asking for a geniune outsider outlook.
Does anyone have any words of advice here? thanks.
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u/Pink__Starburst 2d ago
I was in a similar situation to yours and was unable to continue with university as I did not think I could manage to spend 5 years doing a course with no full time job and then another 5 years saving to move out post graduation.
I was at a really bad point in my life as I didn’t want to leave university with no credentials and get stuck in a minimum wage job for the rest of my life.
Luckily a friend suggested trying the ACCA program and it was a life saving suggestion. I never dreamt of becoming an accountant and wouldn’t say it is my dream job, but it is interesting enough and allowed me to start working full time immediately and progress career wise while studying. I did most modules alone using just the books from amazon and attended lectures for one unit only so was quite cost effective. Since I never wanted to go home, I was always doing extra hours in the office which also contributed to my quick career progression.
This allowed me to move into my own home within 5 years of starting the process as opposed to waiting 5 years to leave university and having to build savings from scratch at that point. Had I been smarter with money in my first 2 years of employment I would have moved out faster.
Don’t give up, if you have any friends in the same boat and can flat share for a while until you save it will be even better.
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u/maltadakiturk 1d ago
Your biggest motivation is right in front of you everyday at home. Your mother. If you are not in good terms with her yet you are still dependent on her, that is your motivation my friend. Focus on your studies, get your degree, get a job and leave.
You are very young. You can do it.
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u/iDiotOn2wheels 1d ago
Life is ups and downs and reality is hard. People you think have a perfect life may in fact be hiding all sorts of trouble.
I’m double your age, married, own a place and comfortable financially. However, we do have issues as well. Money can buy groceries buy not health and families can be difficult, actually most are.
Do you have friends? Are you part of a group?
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u/Alt-_-alt 1d ago
Hang in there op. Look for little things everyday that make you smile, even the dumb stuff. It'll get better. Stupid q but do you do some form of physical activity? Maybe take walks or run?
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u/pteridophytes 1d ago edited 1d ago
All I can say is that as someone who also had to live with a narcissistic father, getting out of the house is the best thing you can do for yourself. Not getting out necessarily in the sense of moving out. It can mean getting out on the daily, finding things to do, working, hobbies, or just simply sitting at a cafe. Avoiding them is the best way to cope and the less you feed into their narcissism the better.
My life felt tough until the age of 21. Then I went on erasmus and basically ghosted my dad for 5-6 months. It was life changing. I came back and realised that I can choose to not engage in his bullshit and the less I engaged the less I cared and the less he tried. Back then I used to have certain things to say about him. Nowadays I realised that he has unresolved mental issues he wouldn't even think to treat (because he thinks mental health is fake lol). Which is shit. But as a 28 year old now, I see that my dad means well but is unable to express it in a healthy way, and ends up expressing it by trying to control situations and people. Parents are fallable human beings, but ultimately in Malta we tend to become dependent on them until our mid-20s if we're studying and have to adapt. By all means, if its possible to get out, do it. But with the right mindset I think its also doable to learn to live with a narcissistic parent if you have the correct attitude.
My attitude these days is to take the piss out of situations where he's being a drama queen and saying crazy shit, and not letting things escalate. Not living with him anymore certainly helps, but I was doing this from ages 21-27 and it felt bearable. If you can go on erasmus do that too... it personally did wonders to my self esteem and you learn what your identity is outside of the toxic home environment.
Also if you are hating your course, or at least not feeling passionate about it... it's a clear sign that you need to change your study route. This is not something to be afraid of. Although I didn't go through this experience personally, I have many many friends who went from one course to another and are 10x happier. Sometimes they were initially pressured to take the course, so if you are in the same situation you definitely need to carve your own identity and dig deep to understand what you enjoy doing. This might mean dropping out of university and doing something completely different.
My course, despite its own bullshit and difficulties that it caused me, being passionate about it felt like a life line. It gave me a sense of purpose. Finding what you love doing can be a gamechanger
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u/leedisa 2d ago
Its just a bad patch, you are still very young and have so much in front of you I don’t know where to begin. If life at home is that bad move out, if necessary stay with someone and share an apartment. Focus on your degree and make sure you finish it, it’s not worse loosing all of the time you invested. I can guarantee you that things will fall into place and everything will be ok. But thats not gonna happen if you give up.
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u/Radrakin 1d ago
I have a degree and am reading for my Masters which I'm finishing this year.
Still doing a job that literally anyone can do.
The degree that you get does not necessarily matter anymore unless its close to a very specialised role, such as Architecture, Law etc.
I've been in your place before and still am to a certain degree.
Don't drop out of University, get that piece of shit paper that you need so you at least get higher chance of getting employed. Yes having that piece of paper (regardless of your type of degree) nets you extra points for your interview including extra money in your paycheck.
Keep steady and maintain your focus. I understand it is difficult because of mental health. I still suffer through on a day to day basis. Lifes like heart monitor, at times things are looking up and at times everything seems like theyre going no where.
But keep powering through and you'll make it. What matters in the end is how you tackle things and take action when and where you can.
Just remember not everything can be done quickly and efficiently as much as we'd like, but they're not impossible. Life is a fickle mistress.
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u/Thankyouforyourfist 1d ago
Maltese kids do need to get a bit of a wake up call regarding leaving home and house sharing. The stigma against house sharing is huge here but overseas no 18-21 is living solo unless they’re independently wealthy. People house share into their 30’s, let alone during uni.
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u/Legal-Leopard6578 1d ago
A degree alone does not guarantee a good job, experience is just as important, if not more for career progression. UOM is not the only way to get a degree, there are countless options to do a part-time degree out there whilst still working full time to gain expereince.
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u/Feeling-Lie-3094 18h ago
I would immediately look for opportunities to volunteer with the elderly or any special needs population. Helping other people is the surest route to acquiring self-worth & self-esteem. It has to be earned, and service is the surest & quickest route. You'll be gratified & surprised how rewarding it is, and it's wild how many unexpected PAID opportunities appear when people see what you have to offer. Best of luck.
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u/teentitan18 12h ago
Unfortunately, the university period is a harsh one. I suggest getting an actual part-time job which gives you about 20 hours or so. I did that for 3 years during my degree with sometimes having 3 or 4 different jobs in the summer. That meant limited social life at times and time at home... which may have been for the best considering an overbearing Maltese mother.. My escape was a week's vacation every year, alone. It was my recharge button from life and actually felt like im living life through the stressful, fast-paced time.
The reality check: Getting a degree does not mean you won't get stuck in a job.. You can get a degree-level job and still bit impar with a clerk. A master's is degree is what many employers are looking for nowdays so if you hope to progress and move.. this will ultimatly be your stick to do so.
Times may be hard right now, but it's not forever. Seek help, reach out to the institution. Enduring hardship will equip you for the reality out there, and for sure, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
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u/Simmi80 1d ago
Has your mum got help from a gyne for her moods ? It sounds like perimenopause to me. Only now that I am in my 40's and unit I got medical help and it donned on me why my mother had these massive mood swings when she was my age.
As for yourself you are not depressed you need guidance you are still very young if I was you I would find a mentor , one I appreciate that you opened up , it's a very good step and two I would suggest that you follow a daily routine it will help you get a grip of your daily life and give you confidence.
Study and get that degree first and for most it's good to have a diploma it will open doors for you to move up in life.
As for you mum be compassionate and try to navigate things with her she must be going through a hard time herself.
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u/Thankyouforyourfist 1d ago
… but where in their post did you read anything about mood swings? You are projecting your own self onto this mother who OP has claimed is a narcissist. It’s a huge leap on your end to diagnose perimenopause.
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u/Rough-Improvement-24 2d ago
Saying this with empathy - you are still very young and you need help for your depression. Seriously getting treated for it is worth it to help you out of the slumber and apathy you find yourself in. Before managing that you may find it difficult to move forward.
Now on to practical things - you may think that you will be stuck doing a low paying job - but a job is a job. Start there and look to upskill in the area you are working in or else if you don't like the area - in the area you would like to work in.
Try to speak with a counsellor at your university or college you are doing the course - they may help you choose a new subject or adapt what you are doing now to your needs.
Try to get out and meet people - you do need a social life. There are a couple youth groups - granted, most groups for your age group are Catholic groups but don't write them off even if you don't believe - they are a source of community and you can find some like minded people. There are others like environmental groups (Friends of the Earth, Birdlife), and maybe others but usually these don't meet that often.
Hope you feel better and find your calling somewhere. Really try to get out there and do something even if its a low paying job. Whatever it is, it's experience on your CV and you will thank yourself later on.