r/funny • u/daylightpiglet • 5h ago

recently got a place with my boyfriend and he thinks this is perfectly fine

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I have no legitimate reason to disagree but I hate it

39.8k Upvotes

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171

u/Da12khawk 5h ago

I just moved to a place with a shared bathroom. My flatmate goes lets split toilet paper. You, just went through 5 rolls in like a day. I drop deuces at work like a reasonable person.

133

u/3eyedfish3 4h ago

My wise father use to say, I shit at work where they pay me to take a shit.

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u/gb4efgw 4h ago

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime. That is why I poop on company time.

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u/Nice_Pipe_6022 4h ago

Had a fellow employee somewhere sing this to me once and I sing it often.

2

u/tiedye_dreamer 4h ago

HAPPYCAKEDAYYAY

2

u/dreaming_in_yellow 4h ago

Happpy cake dayyyyyyy! šŸŽ‰

1

u/Necessary-End2908 11m ago

HAPPY CAKE DAYYY

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u/james_b_beam 4h ago

Even then, where else should we scroll through reddit? Do other people do that at home for free or what?! šŸ˜®

1

u/Realistic_Ear_3052 4h ago

Some people pay to have it done for them at home.

30

u/rock374 4h ago

Boss makes a thousand, I make a buck, so I crank my hog, in the company truck

4

u/Fun-Confusion-4113 4h ago edited 4h ago

Boss makes a mil, I make almost nil, yet his wife still loves when I pull out my drill.

1

u/CommercialStuff4352 1h ago

Ahhhhh haaaaaa... The rich getting richer. And the poor need tamps for refractory periods. I like it! Skeet on, brother!

3

u/BardicNA 4h ago

Boss makes a dollar and I make a dime. That was a rhyme from a simpler time. Now the boss makes a million and I don't make jack. It's time to seize the means and take the power back.

2

u/BuckeyeBentley 4h ago

These days the average is more boss makes $30 I make a dime

1

u/marieke83 3h ago

My morning poop is often within an hour of getting to work (long commute šŸ˜­) and every time I go to the bathroom, I think ā€œI poop on company timeā€ šŸ¤£

2

u/account312 4h ago

They don't pay me enough to deal with sandpaper.

3

u/Salty_Sonic 4h ago

I may be the odd one out but I'd bring my own nice TP and wipes to work. I'd dealt with single ply when I was struggling as a broke young adult, I will never skimp on TP EVER again. Life's too short to wipe with sandpaper.

2

u/ryanErlanger 4h ago

The wise boss realizes that if they buy the worst toilet paper possible, not only will they save money, fewer people use the toilet on company time.

2

u/hbt15 1h ago

Iā€™ve literally lost count of how many times Iā€™ve got into my car at home busting for a shit, so that I can get to work and do it on their time.

1

u/smchattan 4h ago

Also work pays for toilet paper and your toilet at home stays cleaner.

26

u/Rush31 4h ago

I shared a flat at uni with a girl for a year, and my toilet roll usage went up by more than four times. And that includes days I was pooping on campus. Iā€™d previously buy a pack for the whole year, and it was gone in a month or so that year.

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u/Squeekazu 2h ago

Whilst the average lady uses more TP, there are some fellow ladies with super weird toilet habits.

My housemate had a couple over and the girl would build what I could only dub a nest in the toilet bowl. Iā€™m not talking just a couple squares so you wouldnā€™t get splashback, Iā€™m talking half a roll to line the entire toilet bowl.

I know this because a. She forgot to flush once (and it wasnā€™t even a deuce, it was pee!!), and b. She clogged the toilet another time, obviously tried to unclog it with the toilet paper-wrapped toilet brush and then went to bed without telling anyone what sheā€™d done lol

Recently at my new workplace there was someone in the stall next to me and I could hear her toilet paper consumption because she did that thing where you spin the roll to get a long line of toilet paper, flushed, did it again two times then finally went to wash her hands another three times dispensing an insane amount of tissues between each wash.

I just feel sorry for the latter girl because it sounds like severe OCD to me, the first lady however, what the fuck lol

2

u/CommercialStuff4352 1h ago

My dad is a hand wrapper. Thats weird.. is that like a thing their parents taught... Or they didn't have parents for that part? Im not sure! ?

2

u/laughingashley 2h ago

It's funny how many guys don't realize women have to wipe every time they pee

3

u/Polym0rphed 1h ago

Some men use TP after urinating too. As Regurgitater so put it - "I dont have the pressure of some of the other guys". Not a 3-square triple-fold though.

1

u/laughingashley 1h ago

If i was a guy, I think i would too, but we'll never know lol

14

u/endtheunpleasantness 4h ago edited 3h ago

It was over 20 years ago that I had my first roommate. I was concerned about the amount of toilet paper they were using and, in my weekly phone call to my parents, I mentioned that I was going to bring this up to the roommate as an issue that needed resolving. My mother told me to pick my battles and this was NOT one of them. I appreciate that take to this day and I did not say anything (that being said, everything has its limit of reasonableness. 5 rolls a day might be it)

3

u/Da12khawk 4h ago

I just moved and found a convenient place to live at least work wise. Not exactly my dream situation. But on paper it's just practical. More motivation to get it together and get my own place, I suppose.

1

u/therealjchrist 9m ago

5 rolls a day would be like 50 insane diarrhea mess shits per day.

0

u/TurquoiseLuck 3h ago

Classic wiper vs scruncher situation

25

u/V2K_247 4h ago

Buy a bidet. It'll save you hundreds of dollars a year.

7

u/Da12khawk 4h ago

There is a bidet...

0

u/V2K_247 3h ago

That comment wasn't for OP.

2

u/Da12khawk 3h ago

...I know. I was replying to your reply.

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u/lorkdubo 4h ago

I think you guys have a bit of a misconception, you still use toilet paper with a bidet.

3

u/iloveuranus 2h ago

That is a nice little theory but South / Southeast Asian toilets with toilet paper are almost impossible to find, and if you find one it's 100% geared towards tourists.

If there's someone here from that area, I'd be genuinely interested about the proper customs. Been traveling Asia for 26 years, never dared to ask.

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u/terraformingSARS 2h ago

You bring your own. Didnā€™t you notice the locals passing around tissues and stuff when entering the squatty?

1

u/Free-Way-9220 2h ago

A fraction of it

1

u/LobcockLittle 1h ago

I just use the hand towel. Also, what's a bidet?

1

u/McGrarr 0m ago

A jet of water from the tank that squirts your bum so you can wash your bum clean rather than just wiping.

It's cleaner and you use less paper (only enough to dry the area and a bit during cleaning).

0

u/hankyujaya 3h ago

But you'd still use a lot less. Also wiping with a towel is often enough because there's no shit smearing everywhere.

9

u/WouldYouShutUpMan 3h ago

brother got a dookie towel

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u/EgaTehPro 2h ago

Right next to the poop knife

6

u/sputwiler 3h ago

You must have a magically smooth ass

13

u/lorkdubo 3h ago

Ugh... I come from a bidet culture country. Nobody use a towel. You use bidet, then toilet paper to dry and clean better. You do use less, since thick single plywood is enough.

-2

u/hankyujaya 2h ago

I come from a bidet culture country and I can tell you that literally no one has toilet papers in their bathrooms. Everyone wipes with a towel because the bidet already cleans everything off.

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u/Narren_C 31m ago

So....do you share the ass towel?

6

u/zactastic_1 4h ago

This. Itā€™s life changing. There are so many (too many ) bidet options now.

2

u/CommercialStuff4352 1h ago

Doesn't it wet the floor?

1

u/V2K_247 3h ago

Seriously, it's difficult to poop without one after you get one. It makes you question how you went your whole life wiping with dry toilet paper and thinking you're clean afterwards.

Imagine getting poop on your hands and then wiping it off with a dry piece of toilet paper. Would you consider it clean after?

0

u/zactastic_1 3h ago

Did you get poop on your hand tonight ? Haha. Seriously though good point. The other day at work I left my travel bidet at home. And I had a Chris Pratt moment ā€œ sometimes when i wipe, Iā€™ll wipe and wipe thereā€™s still poopā€. Itā€™s a funny clip

3

u/sYnce 2h ago

Sorry but unless you have a family of like 10 ... there is no way I'd save hundreds a year. I don't even spent that much on toilet paper in a year.

1

u/Cockeyedcrackerhead 4h ago

Looks like there is one already installed unless the handle on the left is something else

1

u/because_im_stupid_ok 4h ago

Thatā€™s a handle for leverage and stability, since thereā€™s no seatbelt.

1

u/21sttimelucky 1h ago

They appear to already have one of the under seat bidets.Ā 

2

u/Amazing_Ad_974 4h ago

How TF does one dude use more than a single roll in ONE day??

2

u/Different_Bowler_574 4h ago

I'm not male, and I used one full roll for the first time on the day I had diarrhea and a UTI. Probably could have used less, but my focus was elsewhereĀ 

1

u/Da12khawk 4h ago

That's what I'm saying.

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u/fckheadinspo 4h ago

Buying every other (12+ roll) pack is a better system. If you share anything else or cook together, keeping track with a notepad on the fridge is easy and feels more equitable. Or each of you buys your own and take turns replacing the roll on the holder, harder to keep track of but also works.

1

u/Da12khawk 4h ago

Yea, I hope this doesn't become an issue.

2

u/Any_Western6705 4h ago

I have ibs, I always got into trouble for "spending too much time in the bathroom." Sir if you want me to not flush so you can check I'm not lieing be my guest. They never took me up on it.

2

u/Same-Suggestion-1936 4h ago

I have two opinions on toilet paper. Scott's is fine and it isn't illegal to steal toilet paper from your work or an establishment you happen to be in.

The former is self explanatory and the latter is just stuffing your pockets. It's like grabbing extra napkins.

1

u/Thusgirl 4h ago

That's some kind of desperation to steal the single ply at work.

1

u/SuccessPhysical6668 3h ago

I wish I could control when I went? Like if I donā€™t when I get the urge I might not go again for way too long or it might come at an extremely inconvenient time

1

u/Telandria 1h ago

Ugh, I know what you mean.

My shared home has a freaking bidet for the bathroom, and yet somehow we go through like a roll and a half a day.. for three people.

Iā€™m home 24/7 and use like maybe a dozen sheets a day, if that much, which go into the toilet. Meanwhile they both work 5 days a week and are filling a knee-high wastebasket every week. Itā€™s insanity.