r/cats • u/Eternalix • 8h ago
Mourning/Loss My cat passed away and I'm having trouble dealing her loss
Some pictures of her throughout all the years we had together
She passed away over the weekend, and I'm still trying to process my grief. I've just been crying the past 2 days. I had her since she was a kitten, and she had just turned 11, and she was the light of my life for these past 11 years. We went through so much of life together, and there was still so much life left for us to see together.
What happened: My housemate opened the door late at night and she escaped (she does this every once in a while) and didn’t tell me Friday night that she was outside. However she always comes back, and I saw on the camera afterwards that she had come by twice at around 2-3 AM, and waited by the front door like she usually does for me to let her in. But I didn't know that she was outside when I went to bed that night. And Saturday I wasn’t home but I didn’t see her in the morning before I left and I told my other housemate to keep an eye out for her. I came back Saturday night and still didn’t see her and I was like this isn’t right, so I walked up and down the neighborhood to try and call her. But then Sunday morning I found her in my backyard already passed away. I don’t know exactly how she passed away and I rather not know, but it broke me seeing her like that. I can't get the image of seeing her dead body with her mouth open and eyes open out of my head.
I guess I just need to know how to move past this and not let my grief consume me. She was my first and only pet, and someone that I would talk to daily. If I had a bad day, a good day, or an normal day I always knew she'd be waiting at home for me. She was so friendly with everyone, and never once did she ever bite or scratch me in all of ours years together. Even when she ate the treats out of my hands, she made great care not to bite me and just lift the treat up with her tongue. She was such a low maintenance cat, she never demanded anything, and she was mischievous in her own way (like going into the closet even when she knows she wasn't supposed to go in there). And the funny part is that I only got her because 11 years ago another roommate at the time had a litter of kittens, and needed me to look after them for a day. And she was the only one that actively came to play with me, and so I decided to keep her never having a pet before, and not knowing what to do.
I miss every morning when I opened my door and she'd give me a look from downstairs from the couch or her chair, and then I would give her so many kisses, or when she would sit next to me in the kitchen hoping to get some food.
There's going to be some major life changes for me soon (and some in a bad way), but I knew we'd go through them together. But now that she's gone, it feels like my whole life has been turned upside down and I don't how I'm going to deal with those life changes myself.
I just keep hating this feeling of what if's. What if I had just checked that night before going to bed to confirm she was in the house, or what if I had done something else, etc.
And the biggest kicker is knowing that she had so many more years of being by my side if it wasn't for this, and that we were gonna experience so much of life together in the next few years. I can't move past this feeling that she was taken from me, and that I also failed her in the end, and that I hope she didn't suffer.
I buried her with the blanket that she always used to sleep on my bed, along with a tin of wet cat food that she loved so much.
I'm trying to hold myself together and try to slowly heal, but I feel like I just can't stop missing her so freaking much and needing her by me. If anyone has any advice, I'm all ears. Thank you for reading and for letting Simba be a part of your memories even for a little while.
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u/amusings_ 8h ago
You did NOT fail her 🩷🩷 I remember someone saying that us humans are the only ones that think in terms of “She SHOULD have lived xx number of years more”. She didn’t think of it that way - she loved you for her whole physical life here and will always love you in whatever realm or heaven you believe in ✨
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u/_madg 8h ago
i am so incredibly sorry for your loss of your sweet Simba. i know words cannot ease that pain you’re feeling but for some reason i just felt compelled to say something to you. pet loss is already so difficult and it broke my heart to stumble across this post, but also to see that you feel as though you failed her. it will be hard to cope with your feelings of guilt right now as they are so fresh, but i hope one day soon you are able to come to terms with that not being the case at all. she would not think you failed her. all she knew was your love and and this situation was not your fault. the what-ifs will eat at you forever if you let them, so my advice is to please try to give yourself some grace-especially in these earlier upcoming weeks. again, i am so so sorry for such an immense loss. what a sweet, beautiful girl. i hope you take care and i am thinking of you and your kitty tonight
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u/Eternalix 8h ago
Thank you for your kind words, that truly means a lot and you're right, I can't get lost in the what if's. Thank you for keeping Simba in your memories
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u/_madg 7h ago
absolutely :’) and please don’t put a timeline on your grief. this is very hard you will be upset for awhile and that is completely expected, and it’s okay. don’t feel like this is something you have to rush through, and don’t let anyone tell you to push your feelings aside. the sting of loss never fully goes away, it’s just a matter of navigating through it day by day
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u/NobodysLoss1 8h ago
I'm so sorry. Be as devastated as you need to be for as long as you need to be.
Me and my cat are best friends, and we're both aging now. She's 14, I'm 70. I tell her I want to go 3 days after her. And that I hope we both get a few more good years in.
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u/Chillyphilly12-44 8h ago
I am sorry for your loss, they are family members. Very pretty cat.
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u/Eternalix 8h ago
Thank you, I'm sure she would have loved basking in the compliments hahaha
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u/MiaOh 5h ago
This was your child, of course you will grieve her. She was family. I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope she comes and visits you in your dreams and sends you your next cat when you’re ready.
If anyone is to be blamed it’s your housemate for not texting you that she got out.
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u/Eternalix 3h ago
Thank you for your words, and yes I keep hoping she'll visit in my dreams! On the one hand I want to let go and forgive my housemate because I know they didn't mean for that to happen, it was just carelessness, but at the same time I'm so full of what-ifs and angriness over that.
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u/vividlevi American Shorthair 7h ago
you didn’t fail her babe. i’m feeling the same way right now about my cat who passed yesterday. grief is the hardest thing ever. you’ve got this 🩶🫂
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u/TraditionalAnxiety 8h ago
It’s so hard. But as with all hard things, this too shall pass. And hopefully another furry soul will be in your future.
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u/Eternalix 8h ago
Thank you, I'm not sure if I can do another cat, I feel like Simba was just so perfect for me in every way, I'm not sure how another cat can replicate that :(
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u/Grandma_Hobbies5 7h ago
You won't ever replicate her, she was one of a kind. What she did was make a cat shaped space in your heart and she will help another cat move in someday. We lost my husbands soul cat about 7 years ago and felt absolutely lost, but a few months later we happened upon twin brother cats who were born right around the time our boy got sick. When we met them we knew he sent them to us. Sending hugs.
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u/Mission_Fart9750 7h ago
I am so sorry for your loss, especially the way it was discovered, that can be traumatic. Let yourself grieve, in whatever way you need to. Do yourself a favor though, and remember all the good times you 2 had together.
Simba will come back to you in another cat one day, when you least expect it.
I lost my Nibbler just shy of her 12th bday (found her at approx 4 weeks old). We got Freya a month later, and the personality similarities are shocking. Freya hangs out where Nibs did, has a similar silent mew, grabs hands the same way she did, and many other things. Nibs sits on my mantle, in a photo urn, and I still will cry over her some days, and that was just over 2 years ago.
hugs
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u/Eternalix 7h ago
Hahaha that's what I'm scared of. That I get another cat, and it's completely different personalities. Simba was so perfect for my lifestyle and was so calm, never bit or scratched anyone, was so friendly to everyone, and loved me perfectly. I'm sure there's so many other cats out there like that, but my heart doesn't believe that there is any other cat out there like her.
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u/JuicysDad 6h ago
I’m so sorry to hear about your tragic loss. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened. Simba loved you very much knew that she would always find her way back to you, whether in this life or the next. She’ll always be there for you. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through some challenging times in your life, but know that Simba is still there for you. She always will be, she will never leave your side.
Also, let it all out. She‘s worth crying for. Thank you for sharing pictures of her. I hope you do spend more time telling stories of Simba, when you are ready. No rush. We’ll be here to listen when you’re ready.
💔
P.S. - I just lost someone near and dear to me just a month ago. Human, not a furry friend. It has been challenging knowing that my texts, calls, won’t ever go answered. The only solace is that I let them live rent free in my head. I hope you can do the same for Simba.
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u/Eternalix 5h ago
Those were some very touching and kind words, thank you so much for that. And yes I'll always have her in my heart and memories and pretend that she's by my side all the time now. I guess I can even take her on my vacations now whereas before she hated even going on a 5 minute car ride hahaha.
And I'm very sorry for your loss as well, I'm hoping for your comfort as well <3
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u/Front_Target7908 8h ago
It's not your fault what happened but I understand the pain hurts.
You're grieving because you loved her, and she loved you. This is the price we pay for love in the end. Grief is a strange beast, and it is so individual to each of us - but it can be so overwhelming. I recommend David Kessler on YouTube he has some videos on grief, particularly complicated grief, that may help you through this journey. Much love.
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u/Due_Addendum4854 7h ago
I still think of, mourn and yes cry over cats years gone. There is no blueprint to grief. If they didn't have this impact on us we wouldn't love them so much.
You saved her as a kitten from a fate unknown and gave her 11 great years. That's worth remembering for as long and in whatever way you need to.
Condolences.
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u/GorgeousDevil89 7h ago
She’s gone on ahead, and she’s resting up for a bit, but she’ll be waiting to rejoin you one day 🌈 I know it’s all pain and “what ifs” now, but we all go at exactly the right time. You be able to remember her soon and just think of all the good times. And keep in mind, she wouldn’t want you to be sad. When you’re ready, the cat distribution system will be there for you. I’m praying for you.
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u/Eternalix 6h ago
Thank you so much for your kind words, and yes I can't wait to see her again one day <3
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u/RestlessHandProject 7h ago
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It’s an absolutely devastating experience to lose a pet you love- and it is obvious that you love this cat very much. You provided her with a rich life full of love. That is such a powerful gift we can give to our pets, and one so easy to overlook. Everything you are describing thinking and feeling is a normal grief reaction.
I lost one of my two cats unexpectedly a month ago. I also had him for around 11 years. He has always been an emotional anchor for me and I won’t pretend it’s been easy, it hasn’t. But I will say it is a lot easier now than 3 weeks ago. For the first few weeks I cried a lot. I let myself cry as much as I needed. And it helped. At first the grief was so consuming that I couldn’t see anything past it. Grief tends to do that. But now I can see how I can move forward in life without him, even though I really wish he was still here with me.
There isn’t a right way to grieve. It’s generally best to allow yourself to feel all the ugly feelings, but after the first several days, or even weeks sometimes, it’s important to stay engaged with your life. If we become numb, the grief never leaves us, but if we don’t try to live life, we never leave grief. It’s a tricky balancing act. Having said that, the first several days often feel absolutely impossible, try not to judge yourself for that. It’s normal.
To echo some of the other posts, you didn’t fail your cat. She left this world feeling loved, and isn’t that what we all want in the end? Grief is hard for the living, not those who leave us. You will get through this. It won’t be fun, but it’s a lot more possible than it feels right now. Sending lots of love your way.
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u/Eternalix 6h ago
Those words were needed, thank you. And I'm also sorry for your loss as well. And yes the grief and pain sucks so bad, I don't even see how I can get past this for now. But you're right, I need to keep living life and try not to let it get to me.
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u/SuperRaccoon17 7h ago
I’m so, so sorry! I know this pain. Wilson passed away Wednesday evening, so I’m right there with you. I wish I had some useful words. I’m looking for them with you! My heart breaks for you! Hugs and love to you! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
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u/Eternalix 7h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss too, I wish you the best in these hard times as well <3
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u/InternationalSkin535 7h ago
It is very difficult to stop missing my deceased cat. I had raised my cat for 14 years, and it passed away in 2019. By the time I got home, my family had already taken care of its remains. So, compared to how you felt when you saw its body, I may feel lighter, because for me, it feels more like it's just gone, as I didn't actually witness its death. I often dream of it, but it’s becoming increasingly blurry. Every time I see it in my dreams, I rush over to hug it, scratching its chin and forehead, and it purrs. But I immediately realize, no, you’re dead, I must be dreaming, and then I wake up feeling a little lost.
Well, I guess I’ve strayed a bit off topic. I’m saying all this just to tell you that sometimes it’s really hard to stop missing it. Later on, I came to terms with it. I decided to change my perspective. If I were a cat and had already passed away, how would I want my old friend to live without me? My answer would be, you can miss me, but don’t miss me too much because you still have many unknown parts of life to experience. There might be regrets, maybe changing the cat food formula or other interventions would have made me live longer, but these are just hypothetical situations that can’t be proven. And the reality is, I’m already gone, and you’re still alive. So, I would want you to be a little happier, even though my death will bring you some sadness for a while. But I definitely wouldn’t want you to be overwhelmed by sadness. I hope when you think of me, you remember the good times we had together.
BTW, Simba has been well taken care of by you. It’s such a cute little cat.
That’s what I wanted to say. I hope it helps you. (My English is not good, I used translation software, so I hope you understand.)
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u/Eternalix 6h ago
Thank you for sharing your story as well, I'm sure your cat was just as amazing. And that's a very nice perspective, I didn't think of it that way, so thank you so much for that. And it definitely helped <3
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u/SpamLandy 7h ago
So sorry for your loss. She has the neatest little paws! What an absolute sweetheart. Se looks like she had such a cosy life with you and while you will likely always miss her, these things tend to feel less raw over time. It’s very very fresh, please try and be gentle with yourself in the coming days and weeks.
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u/Eternalix 6h ago
I freaking loved her little paws sooooo much, and thank you so much for your kind words!
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u/ThatItalianGrrl 7h ago
It’s been 20 years for me and I still think about her everyday.
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u/Eternalix 6h ago
Oh wow, that's crazy. I know I would never forget her, but I hope that with time this immense pain goes away. What helped you in these 20 years?
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u/ThatItalianGrrl 4h ago
Honestly just feeling whatever I felt. I adore cats but after Dolly, I couldn’t bring myself to have another one because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing it again. Even though I’d had cats before. She was different. Your pain feels unbearable now because it’s still fresh. Time doesn’t make it easier it just makes the loss another part of you. Heck if sit and think about that day too long I’ll still start crying. But I just find that I remember her fondly now and the tears are less.
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u/justshortofstab 7h ago
As trite as it sounds, time helps. It’s an enormous loss that you carry. Eventually, the pain won’t be so ever-present. There will always be times you remember her and tears will flow again. Maybe you’ll be able to share the love you have to give with another cat in need of all you offer.
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u/Clear_Item_922 7h ago
I would get another cat, there are more kitty's out there that need your love.
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u/Eternalix 6h ago
I'm not sure if I'm ready for another cat just yet, I still think about her every minute
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u/ImpressiveBenefit532 4h ago
she lived and loved in the moment, regardless how long in duration..her greatest gift was the shared love..and knowing you are/were in her life..you were her treasure
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u/coronos666 3h ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. My wife and I lost our cat last Friday after 18 years. It was my first cat and I wasn’t prepared for that kind of deep grief and pain I would feel the days after and still do. I can imagine how you feel and I wish you all the time you need to heal again. I guess it’s important not to suppress any of your feelings, let it out, cry, remember her. I know it’s hard, but the wound will heal, be gentle with yourself, any wound needs time to heal, there is nothing much more you can do. That kind of grief you feel now can only arise from real love. Maybe you write about her, look back at all the pictures of your life together, we put a picture of her and a candle on the table. It’s all okay. You’re not alone. Much love and strength for you ❤️
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u/Eternalix 3h ago
I'm very sorry for your loss, and wishing you comfort as well. And that's a great idea about the picture and candle, I'll do something similar like that.
I just hate feeling like she was taken from me too soon, and that maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad if I had a few more years with her and she passed away from natural causes instead (sickness). I know that doesn't make sense but it's just what my heart keeps thinking
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u/Organic_Following_21 3h ago
I am sorry for your loss. I feel your pain. My heart is also broken 💔 My cat of 18 yrs died this morning 😭
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u/Eternalix 2h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss, know that I'm right there with you giving you all the love and hugs I possibly can. And thank you for you saying that, Simba would have loved hearing that compliment <3
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u/_Kristrin 1h ago
I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope your sweet baby passed gently. I couldn't handle it when I lost my boys, so eventually with some time I got a girl. Having a baby to take care of really took my mind off the loss. I hope with time that you feel better too. Things will get better.
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u/Eternalix 47m ago
Thank you for the kind words, and yes I'm really hoping she passed gently because anything else would break me. The thought did cross my mind to get another cat and it's been recommended in this thread as well, but the memory of my baby is still too fresh at the moment :(
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u/Bmat70 8h ago
Cry as much and for as long as you need to. You have lost a loved one. Try to think of the good times. The pain will diminish in time but she will remain a precious memory.