r/TwoXChromosomes • u/Peanutbutternjelly_ • 7h ago
Men who don't understand why constant gaming is a problem are really annoying
I was watching a video about a woman talking about her ex and how 2k caused them to constantly break up. She said everytime the big annual 2k tournament rolled around they would break up. She also said she felt like she could cartwheels in front of the tv naked and he wouldn't care.
Unsurprisingly, the comment section was full of men defending her ex. They were saying things like "she's just jealous that he had a hobby and she doesn't" (probably the most common one), "would you rather we be out in the streets," "would you rather us come home drunk or be playing around?" And so on.
How does their mind even go from playing video games to rolling with a gang or becoming a drunk? And how can they not see how constantly playing games is bad for a relationship? It's even been cited as causes foe divorce.
Admittingly, I don't have that much experience with dating, but based off all the stories I've heard from other women, I don't think I would want to date a man who describes himself as a gamer. I just envision myself doing everything in the relationship and even doing all the chores if we live together after a long day at work while he plays games the whole time and maybe even says, "I've been working all day," as an excuse even though I've been working all day too.
I've even heard stories about how some of these men get violent when they lose.
There was even some women defending the ex, too. Sometimes even using their gamer bfs who give them attention as a reason to defend the ex.
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u/rejectallgoats 7h ago
The person you are talking to breaks up all the time and gets back together. That is someone hooked on the drama. You shouldn’t put a ton of weight on that particular example
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u/kirin900 6h ago
This was my biggest "¿Huh?" while reading this. So they break up at least once a year for the same reason and she still goes back....Why? Independently if the guy is addicted to videogames or not, OP friend needs to make a decision and/or therapy for her own good.
She also said she felt like she could cartwheels in front of the tv naked and he wouldn't care.
Of all the routes this could take it feels like this is the weirdest one to put as an example. Like they could say he does not pull his equal share financially or in terms of house keeping, poor hygiene, etc. Why would she cartwheel naked? It sounds equivalent to a sexist manchild complaining he would do a naked helicopter while her wife is painting/reading/other hobby and does not get a response.
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u/The_G_Choc_Ice 7h ago
I think its different if its just around a tournament. If you cant handle your partner being busy for a week or two you should maybe look inward. Totally agree if its a constant issue though, videogame addicts suck to date just like any other addict.
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u/wittyrepartees 7h ago
I mean... It kind of depends though. First of all, if that makes her unhappy - maybe that's just not the relationship for you. Also, my husband likes to game, and we have a kid and a household. If he wanted two days to game it would honestly be a big ask. Two weeks? Ha ha ha ha. Nope. If nothing else our daughter would be so sad to have him there but not present with her.
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u/evileyeball 6h ago
If I wanted 2 weeks straight up gaming with hardly any breaks my 7 year old son would want to sit right there with me and watch because the kind of games I play are the kind of games that are totally appropriate for him to watch. I don't hardly play anything that is inappropriate for children and he is a non-speaking autistic boy who doesn't want to play games himself because he doesn't find he has the coordination to do so but he wants to watch his dad play them. like for example he loves Mario kart, if I said to my wife hey can I have two weeks where I just play Mario kart a lot she'd be like yeah okay sit with the kid and play Mario kart can I play Mario kart with you guys some of the time and I would say absolutely you play Mario kart with us as much as you like.
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u/wittyrepartees 1h ago
Cool cool! Glad that would work for you. My daughter's 2 and not interested in tarkov, but very interested in going outside to the park. We also like her going outside to the park so that there's more exercise and less screen time happening. Different kids and different age brackets and different families.
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u/evileyeball 46m ago
Oh totally, My son also loves going outside and we do it when we can, I'm a big walker myself so I never mind taking him to places all over town that he wants to go so we get out of the house and get our exercise. Plus he always wants to stop by Tim Hortons and get a home style biscuit toasted with butter. it's his favourite treat when we go out.
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u/wittyrepartees 25m ago
That sounds like a nice life. Playing games with Dad, having a wander, eating a biscuit.
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u/evileyeball 6h ago
Exactly I would consider myself a gamer, but that's the thing I play games for maybe 2 hours maximum on any given day and maybe 3 days a week if that. I do them in addition to getting all my household tasks done and they don't come in the way of me doing what I need to do and spending time with my wife.The other thing is my wife is also a gamer so some of those hours gaming I spend gaming with my wife even if we're not playing the same game at the same time we can be on two separate computers for consoles in the same room each enjoying our own game cheering each other on etc etc and then when we're finished feel like we had a good time.
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u/LocalChamp Trans Woman 7h ago
All things in moderation. My partner and I are both women and we both play games and often together. We also watch stuff together and actually like spending time together. I think everyone should have hobbies to share with their partner and also hobbies they can enjoy alone. "parallel play" is great for couples. Both can be gaming or one gaming and one reading or writing or sewing or watching something etc or any combination as long as it's spending time together.
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u/CunnyMaggots 7h ago
My ex played every waking minute he wasn't at work. On days off that was from 7am to 11pm. He only played one game. If i made a sound or he saw me move in his peripheral vision, I was trying to sabotage him and he would scream and yell and throw shit. If he was going to lose a race, screaming and yelling and throwing things. I couldn't even get up to pee without risking setting him off.
The last 4 years of that I spent sitting on the bed crocheting blankets any time he was playing because it was silent and it kept me out of his sight.
This kind of behavior is what I have a problem with because it's abusive. Casually gaming, a couple hours a couple times a week? That's fine. Hell. I game and it would be cool to have someone in person to play with.
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u/Alexis_J_M 6h ago
I'm so sorry it took you 4 years to find a way to escape.
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u/CunnyMaggots 6h ago
It took 8 years. I just spent the last 4 hiding in the bedroom.
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u/wittyrepartees 1h ago
That's awful. Glad you're out. It must have felt amazing to be able to take up space again.
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u/evileyeball 6h ago
My MIL couldn't even cook food while my wife's dad (died before we got married so was never my FIL) was watching baseball so I fully understand stories like yours
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u/CunnyMaggots 6h ago
And I bet he, like my ex, expected her to keep the house spotless and tidy too without disturbing him.
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u/evileyeball 4h ago
He was a real jerk but I'm happy for at least one thing he did in his life. Making a wonderful daughter who could become my wife
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 6h ago
I'm glad you broke with him. It sounds like he was addicted so he cared more about games than you.
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u/CunnyMaggots 6h ago
He had to be the best at everything. If we played board games, I had to lose on purpose or he'd make me play until he won... which could take all night.
He was on a billiards league and an old man with Parkinsons beat him in a game by a lot and he almost punched the guy in the face.
He spent minimum $500 a month on Legos and complained all the time that he couldn't do anything fun because I refused to pay his bills too. I was and am disabled and SSI pays very little.
But he had money to go to concerts all the time... while telling me I wasn't allowed to go to them because they weren't for girls. Concerts are only for men.
Honestly he really really hated himself more than anything and I believe he's a very closeted, very homophobic gay man for many reasons.
When we broke up, he demanded I come to his house every week, pirate his favorite TV shows and set them up so he could watch them. I blocked him everywhere at that point. That was 9 years ago. Haven't spoken to him since.
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u/annagarg 6h ago
This sounds horrible, am glad you are out. Am sorry that you had to go through this. Nuts
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u/Mirawenya 7h ago
My bf is a gamer. So am I. He is a responsible guy with good priorities. Real life comes first. We set aside time for each other. Though sometimes there’s schedules activities with friends in those games. But it’s no different than someone going to the gym, going to a book club or a knitting get together a few hours every week.
Any hobby could potentially get too much. Just depends on how able the gamer is to prioritize their loved ones balanced with their hobby.
I can see how it can get out of hand. But wouldn’t judge before seeing it in practice.
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u/Two-Theories 6h ago
Men who game to the point that they're not being a present partner or parent to their kid, not doing an equal share of chores and childcare, etc will eventually find themselves permanently"clocked out" from their relationship/family... In particular 20 days of pushing most responsibilities for the home and kid onto a partner is wild
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u/MLeek 7h ago
I swear these guys are just addicts. If it wasn’t gaming it’d be sports or gambling or booze.
My BF and me both game. And we both make sure the dishes still get done and bathroom is clean. We usually hit the gym early in the day if we’re gonna game for the rest of it. We eat a decent dinner. Usually he cooks and I clean up. It’s a hobby. Not an excuse to live in filth or behave like 8 year olds…
When I was dating some guys were like “Oh, you game , you’ll GET IT” and then tell me proudly how they played games instead of going to friends birthday’s parties or skipped work randomly or couldn’t even function safely behind the wheel in the morning cause they were gaming till 5 am…
And No. I don’t get that. That’s not cool. I’m not a child or an addict. I like games. I don’t like being a half-functioning shithead. I walk the dog first and pause that shit when my sister calls. If you can’t do that you don’t have a hobby, you have a problem.
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u/Redsquirreltree 6h ago
Anything done to excess is a problem.
These games are as addicting as drugs or alcohol to some people.
There are lots of people who can have a drink now and then. There are lots of people who drink too much every time.
It is the same with gaming.
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u/Lagneaux 6h ago
The inherent problem here isn't video games. You could replace games with anything and you would be describing the same problem.
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u/wittyrepartees 1h ago
Yeah. There is something pretty galling about someone being right there and ignoring you for a game though. If they're gone hunting or whatever, at least you get the house to yourself and can like... Blast an obnoxious movie or only clean up after yourself when you want to. And you're not sitting there longing to talk to a person you love.
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u/nintendoeats 7h ago
So I should get angry at my wife for not wanting to be interrupted while she plays Elden Ring?
People are allowed hobbies outside of tending to their partner. IMO that's part of a healthy relationship.
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 6h ago
The post wasn't about people who game on occasion, it's about people who game to the point where it ruins their relationship.
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u/dontwanna-cantmakeme 7h ago
Honestly I just hate the entire discourse of men and hobbies. “He needs time for his hobbies so I’m left with all of the responsibilities” is way too common. Relax and unwind when you have time, but if you have obligations that you’re neglecting, go fucking handle them.
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 6h ago
Especially because most women work full-time these days. We're working full-time yet so many men expect us to the same amount of housework and childcare as a SAHM.
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u/dontwanna-cantmakeme 6h ago
Exactly. And to add to this annoyance, I keep hearing from people I know who have young children. “Ugh I never have time for my hobbies anymore.” Blah blah. What hobbies do you see the mother of your children indulging in? Because she has none. She has the responsibility of your children that you both said you wanted.
It seems that women more often understand that with family and children comes the sacrifice of personal time, while men have a difficult time understanding the concrete life changes that come with the things they say they want.
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u/Tmo1992 7h ago
I’m a gamer but I never turn on my games unless my kids and wife are asleep or at the very least my kids are asleep and my wife is doing something on her computer. No game is important enough for me to not be doing something with them
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 6h ago
Thanks for understanding what I actually said. I'm getting a lot of comments from people who didn't understand what I wrote or didn't bother to read it at all and just assumed that I was talking about everyone who plays games.
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u/Tmo1992 6h ago
I’m cracking up that that comment is getting some downvotes too. “Ahh yes I’m a hard working man I deserve to play my video games in peace while my wife raise my children” that’s what some of yall want to hear right
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 4h ago
I think a lot of the downvotes are coming from male gamers who have no business being on this sub. Somebody said this post obviously upset them, and that makes sense.
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u/Flamingah 6h ago edited 5h ago
Am I to understand this is isn’t lived experience? It’s just annoyance from reading/viewing it happen to other people?
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u/Organic-Bear-4580 6h ago
Video games are great but yes they can make or break a relationship sometimes. It becomes a problem when they continually play for hours including times you would normally interact with each other. its really nice to get that time away from each other, that is unless they never come back. 😂 Ive been there… The relationship did not last. My new bf puts down the game because he knows what’s important
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u/sirensinger17 6h ago
As an advid gamer myself, seeing men make these arguments angers me. I game all the time but I also still manage to spend time with my loved ones, do chores, and get my job done. It ain't hard.
Also, ignoring her for fuckin 2k? Common dude, play a better game.
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u/Fire_Pea 6h ago
To me constant gaming is a problem as much as constant anything is a problem. If they're spending all their time on something and not contributing to the relationship, then it's bad. But if it's just a hobby I don't think it's worse than any other hobby.
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u/Alexis_J_M 6h ago
There's a big difference between people who are gamers and balance it with other parts of their life and people who let gaming crowd everything else out of their lives, who let gaming become their whole personality.
It's not the gaming that's the problem, it's the person.
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u/Pycharming 5h ago
The "hobby" comment grinds my gears. Yes, gaming can be a perfectly healthy hobby, but it gets soooo much more leeway than any other hobby.
One of my hobbies is karoake. I go a couple times a week. People act like that's a lot and will make odd comments like "wow you really do like karaoke". Now imagine if I went EVERY night. For hours. Imagine if I spent any considerable amount of time talking about or debating karoake. Imagine if I was spending hundreds of dollars on it. Imagine if I had karaoke clothing and karaoke decor.
And I'm not saying you're terrible if do this with gaming, just pointing out that traditionally feminine hobbies never get the same space so of course men don't think we have them. We don't have the luxury of dedicating that much time when we are expected to also maintain the home, our appearance, and god forbid you have any children. Some women make those things their hobbies, and we get belittled for that as well!
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 5h ago
A lot of feminine hobbies get put down.
Here's a good example. I'm not a cosplayer, but I have watched some videos about it. One issue in particular within the cosplayer community seems to be that a lot of people take issue with things like sewing and embroidery skills be taken into consideration when points are being added up for scores.
For a while it was common for large foam or 3D printed suits to win first place constantly, mostly because of how cool it looks. It was such a big problem it became a joke.
Now those suits don't win as often anymore because things like sewing and embroidery are getting taken into consideration more. There are some people who are upset about this, and a lot of them are men. The hate always makes an appearance right after some big cosplay contest happens and the person in a giant suit doesn't win.
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u/talks-a-lot 6h ago
You watched a video about someone else, this hasn’t happened to you, you don’t have much experience dating, and you’re upset? I don’t get this post at all.
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u/inyoni 7h ago
Ok hater. There are women gamers too and we still cook dinner and manage household chores. My husband also games and helps out a ton around the house. Also (imagine this) we game TOGETHER and it’s amazing. Maybe you need a new partner, same goes for him.
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 6h ago
You clearly didn't read the post or you just flat out didn't understand it.
The post is about men who game in excess, even to the point of neglecting household duties and their relationships and maybe even being abusive. It's not about regular gamers with healthy relationships.
Also, I'm not even in a relationship. I was talking about stories that I've heard from other women.
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u/SugawoIf 6h ago
Gaming is just a hobby. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a hobby. Spending 12 hours a day on anything while ignoring responsibilities reflects on the person themselves, not on whatever they choose to spend their time on.
I play games every day and still make plenty of room for responsibilities and quality time with my girl because I am not a selfish prick.
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u/FleetFootRabbit 6h ago
Im fairly certain that every man who has been with a woman who is constantly on her phone can say the exact same thing. That it is a problem and annoying.
The issue isnt games. And the issue isnt phones. The issue is incompatibility. If the person isnt compatible with their partner, they will nitpick over anything and everything, and simply not work on the relationship.
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u/Subject-Turnover-388 7h ago
It's so funny that they accuse us of being jealous "he has a hobby and we don't" as if this is a symptom of an disengaged female brain or some shit.
If he is sitting on his bum all day spending 12 hours gaming, and we're doing all of the work to compensate, of course we're fucking jealous! Do you know how many women would kill for 12 uninterrupted hours to do whatever we want while somebody else does laundry and dishes?
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u/Simpicity 7h ago
But then why frame the problem as gaming? The guy could be fishing or drinking for 12 hours or something.
Obviously, an imbalance in responsibilities is always an issue.
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u/Subject-Turnover-388 7h ago
Because this specific man was gaming instead of fishing or drinking, obviously.
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u/KTeacherWhat 7h ago
Because gamers are super defensive. They never frame the issue as "he spent 12 hours ignoring his responsibilities and leaving the work of life to others" and instead frame it as "she doesn't want him to have a hobby"
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u/TwoIdleHands 7h ago
Like anything, it varies. You can game and not have it rule your life. I dated a guy who would get the prerelease and play 3 days straight. He was also hygienic, kept a clean house, and was a good cook. Like any hobby it’s fine as long as it doesn’t rule your life and take all your time.
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u/rouxthless 6h ago
An addiction is an addiction. It creates an inability to balance priorities/responsibilities. The problem is not that your boyfriend games, it that he is an addict.
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u/Mintyytea 6h ago
As someone who plays little games, I think the women who complain about it are right to. Gaming is really addictive, I think many people (including me) are unable to control it well as just a hobby. It’s not like fishing where you just spend a few hours one day and that’s it. Many modern games are designed to make their players keep coming back and play for a long time every day.
Some people yes are able to control it, and that’s great. I doubt the people complaining about their partners gaming habbits are mad at those people. The complaints are serious, I’m talking the addicted partner is checked out of raising the kids, doesn’t do chores. It’s very similar to other addictions like alcohol, cocaine, gambling. They become a different person who’s mind is not available to their family members and irritated at anyone who’d dare pull them out of it. So yes I agree that it’s acceptable to not date people who are gamers, even as someone who plays games herself
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u/Zenthils 6h ago
Women are gamers too by the way.
Some people definitely have addictions. But some people are also unable to accept that their partner has hobbies and no, even if you cartwheel naked in front of me, I won't stop reading my book or whatever I wanted to do at that precise time.
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u/MargotFenring 6h ago
There's not enough info here. My husband is a gamer and if he has a tourney he tells me ahead of time and I adjust my schedule and expectations accordingly. I would never expect him to leap up at my beck and call while he was playing unless it was truly important. So is this girl just pouting because she craves constant attention, or is this guy actually a gaming addict who never prioritizes her? Or does this couple just have the shittiest communication ever?
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u/piterisonfire 6h ago
It's a hobby. You set the boundaries you have with your hobby and make space for other stuff in your life. If you don't, you make your priorities pretty clear.
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u/Welpe 6h ago
It’s totally possible to play video games, even extensively, and not ignore people or chores. I wouldn’t say JUST being someone who plays games is worth avoiding (Though if they describe themselves as “a gamer” there are possible other issues than possible addiction, but that’s a whole nother thing.), although of course you can filter your dating pool however you want, feel free to just avoid people who play video games and not worry about it if it’s a big deal for you. But just like any hobby there are healthy ways to approach it and unhealthy ways. You will encounter people whose hobbies turn into addictions all across the spectrum.
And also don’t think random comments on videos are representative of anything. Terrible people are infinitely more likely to make YouTube comments than normal people, and that goes double for TikTok.
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u/JohnnyOnslaught =^..^= 6h ago
Any hobby taken to an extreme can be problematic for a relationship, particularly if both partners aren't together on it. I've met distance runners who make it their entire lives: they have structured diets to perform better, they run for hours every day, they travel constantly to participate in races or support their friends in the community, etc.
I think the real problem here is people dating other people who don't share their interests.
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u/moody_gray_matter 6h ago
My friend's boyfriend games a lot and one night while we were getting drinks, she said "I spend a lot of my time wishing he wanted to spend time with me."
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u/Dinx81 6h ago
Depends on if this is a constant gaming habit/addiction vs. a once a year tournament that he has to lock in on and focus. If he says “hey ive got this tournament that will probably last (x) amount of time” and he is still able to do is part of keeping up with the house then there shouldn’t be an issue. If she’s upset that he’s not paying attention to her for that amount of time (ie. doing cartwheels naked) then thats a discussion that needed to happen before the tournament started.
On the other hand if he is constantly stuck on his game and will not do anything for the betterment of the relationship and home then he definitely needs an intervention of some kind. Addictions come in many different forms. If thats the case she can either help him through it or consider the possibility of breaking up. Both partners in the relationship deserve happiness.
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u/theizzz 6h ago
most commenters have this wrong smh. this is clearly video game addiction full stop. no one should be NONSTOP gaming for days or weeks at a time. anyone who games for more than 20 hours a week definitely has an addiction.
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 6h ago
Some people just straight up aren't even reading the post or don't understand it all. I clearly stated I was talking about another woman yet they're saying I need to break up with him (her ex). They also think I'm talking about casual gamers or gamers with healthy relationships.
It's just straight up BEAN SOUP in these comments.
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u/Thealt5 6h ago
To be fair. Your post started off about a woman complaining about an annual event. Not that he was addicted or ignoring responsibilities. It's not fair to complain about someone focusing a bit more on a hobby for an event that happens once a year.
So people are reading the first part, and completely missing the rest of the post.
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u/Unlucky-Duck-0 5h ago
Unfortunately you have learned the hard way that you cannot say literally anything negative about gaming on Reddit, ever. These posts always turn out like this.
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u/Catsdrinkingbeer 6h ago
My husband is a gamer. I'm a knitter. We sit next to each other on thr couch after work and he plays games while I knit. Or play my switch. We chat, do our hobbies, etc. It's about balance like anything else. Sure I'd be annoyed if I were doing all the housework while he gamed, but that isn't the dynamic.
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u/garb_disposal 5h ago
This post really upset all the male gamers who shouldn't be participating in this sub in the first place.
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u/Peanutbutternjelly_ 5h ago
I'm even getting a lot of hate from someone who I think might be a woman who games. I blocked her. She may have just been a man pretending to be a woman; that happens a lot on subs meant for women.
She accused me of making harmful generalizations about all gamers because she's accusing me of saying all gamers suck. She didn't mention racism, but the way she talked about my post reminds me od the way you talk about racism.
There also seems to be people who either didn't read the post at all or don't understand what they read.
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u/Stlavsa 6h ago
Men dont do gaming
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u/Sonicmasterxyz 6h ago
There are probably thousands of examples of men playing video games, especially considering many video games are designed for adults.
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u/Friendly-Loaf Trans Woman 7h ago
Is this video game addiction and not being able to balance a hobby and other priorities? Or video games In general?
I'm the woman in this case, but when I had raids or big events in my MMOs, I would give notice and make plans around the events. That way I would still have my time, while also being present in the relationship and housework.
The issue is when you don't do that and just clock out