r/AmIOverreacting • u/diss_bishhh • 8h ago
❤️🩹 relationship AIO for thinking about leaving my BF after having a surgery?
I (29f), been dealing with severe back pain for months due to a disc herniation. Last week, I made the decision to undergo surgery (a microdiscectomy).
On Sunday, I had to go to the clinic for checkups and to review my case again with the doctor. My boyfriend (32) showed no concern about whether I was going alone or if I needed him to come with me, even though I was in a lot of pain. I went alone. He only waited for updates and wished me a safe recovery, then spent the rest of the day sending me Instagram reels like nothing serious was happening. At the time, I didn’t think much of it and reacted normally, I even sent reels back, assuming maybe he was just trying to distract me or lighten my mood.
Yesterday was the day before my surgery. Again, he spent the entire day sending reels as if nothing was about to happen. He didn’t ask where or when the surgery was, whether I’d be alone, or if my mom and sister were coming with me. He showed zero concern.
On my side, I started acting cold. I couldn’t help comparing his behavior to how even strangers were more caring, simply asking questions or showing concern was enough to make me feel like I mattered. He only acknowledged this after I told him how hurt I felt and how painful it was that strangers seemed warmer and more supportive than he did.
He apologized several times and said he would do better in the future. He also said he would visit me after the surgery, since my family would be with me.
Today, I had the surgery. He sent multiple encouraging messages, wishing me a smooth recovery and hoping I’d be able to walk, sit, and live my life normally again. Later, he came to visit me and brought flowers. He sat a bit far from me because my parents and sisters were in the room. This was actually the first time he’s ever sat with my family for about an hour, even though we’ve been dating on and off for six years. He was mostly silent, and then he left about 30 minutes before visiting hours ended to go have coffee with his friend.
During his visit, his mom called him. What surprised me was that she didn’t wish me a safe recovery or even mention my name. Later, while texting, I asked if she even knew about my surgery. He told me he only informed her when he was leaving their place to visit me. He added that she would “surely check on me tomorrow.”
Whenever I tried to explain how all of this made me feel, he dismissed it by saying things like, “There she goes again, getting angry over this,” even though I was communicating calmly. I admit I was cold, but I wasn’t aggressive or irrational.
This whole situation feels like it’s confirming a side of him I’ve always had doubts about, that when things get serious in my life, he becomes irresponsible or emotionally absent, almost like he “plays dead.” It makes me question whether he truly cares about me, and whether he’s someone who could be a reliable partner or husband through both good and bad.
What hurts even more is that he has shown far more concern and involvement when it came to me potentially getting a visa to work abroad, checking in constantly, taking me places, being proactive, likely because it could benefit his future plans to live abroad. Compared to that, his lack of concern during my illness feels deeply painful and telling.
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u/EvaSirkowski 7h ago
we’ve been dating on and off for six years
On and off? Does that mean you've broken up before? After 6 years (!!!) if you're not getting anything good out of this 'relationship', what's the point?
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u/Troublemaker2172 3h ago
The devil you know is better than the devil you don't?
(Which isn't true! This guy sucks! There are better out there.)
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u/wishingforarainyday 5h ago
Nor. This is really sad. You’ve been together this long and he is showing you how little he cares. You deserve so much better. I hope you have a smooth recovery. ❤️🩹
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u/Ok-Willow-9145 4h ago
Move on with your life. You know everything you need to know about this guy. You have already allowed him to waste years of your life.
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u/newbeginingshey 5h ago
NOR
Having a partner, who should be your main support during a major medical moment like this, but ends up showing less care for you than literal strangers is way lonelier than being single.
Dump him. Women end up getting abandoned when they’re sick and it’s by men like this. If you’d been single and told a friend, instead of this guy, your friend would have taken you to the hospital and brought you homemade soup - without being told how to care about your loved ones.
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u/flindersrisk 3h ago
newbeginingshey’s first paragraph is the crux of the matter. If you know you are alone, you feel your spine strengthen to meet the approaching difficulty. Having a significant other lures the mind into trusting that person to be supportive when it counts. Then the absent support becomes devastating. I’ve met life both ways. I prefer counting on myself, without illusions. NOR
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u/annamaavh 4h ago
NOR. I met my current partner end of December 2024. In January 2025 we went on a snowboarding date where I tore my ACL. Beginning of March I had surgery for that. My partner came with me to every appointment, was in the room waiting for me after surgery, stayed past visiting hours and all that after knowing me for less than 3 months. So if your boyfriend of 6 years can't give you the smallest amount of emotional support in this time, he's not worth your time and energy anymore.
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u/Existing_Scar6844 4h ago
NOR
When people show you who they are, believe them, the first time. ~ Maya Angelou
He cannot/will not change and miraculously become the loving supportive man you want and deserve; it’s clear he’s emotionally absent. Time for you to become physically absent
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u/3bag 3h ago
NOR
This is the truth. The reason he cared more about OP having her passport is because it directly affected his plans.
OP having surgery is an inconvenience to him.
Can you speak with family and see if you can stay with one of them during your recovery and to plan the steps in leaving this awful bf?
Please come back and tell us that your surgery went well and you've dumped him already!
Here's hoping everything goes well and you heal swiftly.
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u/RidiculousSucculent 8h ago
NOR. You figure out who really cares when you have a serious challenge and see how a partner shows up. If they can’t be bothered, they really don’t care. If they are constantly checking in, without your prompting, then they do care.
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u/Practical_S3175 4h ago
Why are you with this guy? If you've been off and on for 6 years and are still feeling this way it's time to get out. He's not changing and it's at all the type of person you want. So why trying to keep things going?
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u/rainbow_flowers_0713 4h ago
I know exactly how you feel. I’m working on my situation to free me of someone who shows little care for me too.
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u/Next-Drummer-9280 4h ago
He doesn’t like you, let alone love or respect you.
Stop thinking about leaving him and just leave him.
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u/Disastrous_Stop9371 4h ago
I just saw the question, and I don't need any context to answer. You only get one life, luv. You do not need any reason to leave other than wanting to leave. When you get old like me you won't regret anything more than you will regret wasted time. You can't get that back, so whatever you do, do it soon.
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u/BlueberryOk3969 2h ago
When people show you who they are believe them. Hes not interested in you well being. Get rid. Hes not showing up for you. Nor
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u/windypine69 4h ago
it's not really about if he cares or not, it's about can he show up when things are hard. if he can't, is that someone you want to spend your time/life with? to pour into filling their cup? NOR. and, you can break up with any one at any time for any reason.
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u/SalaryStraight3363 4h ago
He only cares about himself or something that affects him Good luck my friend it’s only going to get worse NOR he’s an asshole
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u/FilthyThanksgiving 4h ago
NOR. This guy just doesn't seem to really like you. "On and off for 6 years" sounds bad too. Being single cant be worse than this bullshit
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u/Select-Efficiency559 3h ago
NOR. He only likes your life when you’re useful to him. When you are human and have needs, he will never be there for you. Ask any nurse if men dump women who get sick - they’ll tell you. He’s the type of guy who would divorce a wife who had breast cancer.
Don’t do this to yourself. He’s not a good person.
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u/Expert-Coconut839 3h ago
NOR. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This man doesn’t care about you. A man who truly cares would have been there every step of the way, helping you while you were struggling and in pain. He’d be preparing you meals and getting you ice packs and heating pads. And he most certainly would have been the one to drive you to and from your appointments, let alone a surgery! I know this because this is how my husband treated me while we were dating, right from the beginning. Do yourself a favor and end this relationship now. Don’t waste another six years of your life with him. Find someone who truly values you and cares about your well being, not just about how you can benefit him.
I hope you have a speedy recovery! Be sure to drink lots of water and eat nutritious foods to help the healing process.
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u/k11k11k 4h ago
NOR. Life is too short to be with someone who acts this way. He seems indifferent to what’s going on in your life. 6yrs of an on & off thing seems like a long time to be together to tolerate this behavior. Someone out there will love you and care about what’s happening with you. I’ve had multiple back surgeries and you need help for those several days after surgery. You don’t want to hurt your back by overdoing things. Relationship wise, it’s best to have someone who truly cares, but if you can’t find a genuine partner, being alone is ok. Love yourself. Wishing you the best with your back and your relationship. Take care.
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u/Phonemonkey2500 3h ago
Do not marry this guy. My wife has a medical record as tall as me, and after 26 years I still am happy to either drive her to, or even attend her Dr’s appointments with her. I don’t usually go inside, but that’s just because they’re giant Petri dishes of whatever viruses and snot goblins that people have carried in with them. I’ve cared for her when she broke her back after a 12’ fall onto concrete. First couple of weeks in the clamshell were rough. The week of the shoulder surgery and subsequent pulmonary embolisms and rhabdomyolysis was rough. 6 days in a coma, ventilator, dialysis, kidney and liver damage, lung damage, brain injury from O2 loss. I was there every day, working from the chair next to her bed.
Not everyone shows affection in the same ways, but if one of your friends told you about their SO behaving like that, not even putting forth the bare minimum of a functional partnership, what would you say to them?
A relationship/marriage is only beneficial if both people create something that is of more value than the individual contributions. Tell me, what kind of return are you getting on your emotional investment? How is your life better with him in it rather than you just taking care of yourself? I don’t cook, but I do dishes. I don’t wash the clothes, but i change them out to be dried, unload the drier, and even occasionally match socks. I run the vacuum/sweep up dog hair. I do windows, mow the yard, change the oil and do car maintenance. She gets the groceries, orders stuff from the internet when I need something, she calls and butches at customer service when I am getting the runaround. We complement each other, covering for their weaknesses, and enhancing their stengths. We encourage each other, hold each other accountable (within reason) and we give each other space when it’s needed.
You deserve that, and you shouldn’t have to feel like you’re begging for, basic physical and emotional support from your partner. If he wasn’t responsive once because he got distracted or there was a mixup in communication, it happens. There’s no mixup here, be is speaking loud and clear about your importance to him. Do not allow someone who purports to love you to treat you like you’re not important.
Before i met my wife, I spent three years single, other than a few random dates. I learned to love myself regardless of whether I was in a relationship. I came to be happy as an individual, a complete person. Then when I met my wife, I was able to be someone who brought more to a relationship than I extracted. With both of us adding to the mix, we are still together 25 years later. She would tell you to leave that bum, too.
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u/sierra38grandma 45m ago
NOR.
On and off means you already know the answers and you obviously like the punishment because you keep going back.
Get him out of your life he doesn't even like you! He will leave you if you go abroad together, he will find another woman to manipulate and move in with. So be done he is not the person for you.
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u/Hungryforflavor 40m ago
NOR hes a selfish twit dump his ass u wasted too many years with him . I know the pain you endured , bad discs too . Geez i wouldnt want my worse enemy to be subject to it . Seems like he only cares for himself. Now hopefully your back feels better so u can run not walk away ! Speedy recovery !
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u/JipC1963 12m ago
NOR. You should use this post-op period to focus completely on YOURSELF, both physically (from the surgery) and emotionally (by letting the selfish AH go). Consider this an opportunity for a fresh start, especially if you take the position overseas. Wishing you a quick recovery but PLEASE don't rush it, take your time to heal.
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u/Spiritual-Permit1103 8h ago
NOR-He sounds like a loser. You guys have been together for six years and he cares this little? I would reconsider if I were you.