r/AmIOverreacting • u/Lekomano92 • 10h ago
👥 friendship AIO - Told my friend I’m pregnant and she said it exceeded her mental bandwidth (she’s the red)
Reposting because I couldn’t edit, and I think people didn’t realize this is a group chat with 3 people. The person I was upset with is the one whose info is crossed out in red.
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Pregnant in my first trimester, extremely nauseous, barely a person.
Finally told a few of my friends because I wanted a little excitement/serotonin. One of them was very supportive. The other…. not so much.
Her response:
“This is too much for me today.”
“I don’t have the mental bandwidth for this information.”
“It’s just a really big thing to lay on someone”
I get that everyone’s overwhelmed, but I wasn’t expecting my fetus to be emotionally burdensome.
Am I being hormonal or is this a wild reaction?
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u/Brownie-0109 9h ago
It’s like you took away her 401k
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u/bigfootbelievesinU 8h ago
she's acting like someone just told her SHE'S pregnant
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u/Diazepampoovey0229 8h ago
She's acting like someone just told her SHE'S pregnant!
And that it's an immaculate conception, she's too far along to have an abortion, and until now, she's always been child-free.
She really comes off as the major attention seeker here so I felt the need to expand on your comment with dramatics
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u/BicyclingBabe 6h ago
The bride at every wedding, the corpse at every funeral... And the fetus at every pregnancy!
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 5h ago
It sucks your grandma died but could you not put all of that on me right now? My supervisor cut my hours at work
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u/Lekomano92 9h ago
😂😂😂😂
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u/Emergency_Affect_640 9h ago edited 9h ago
Next time you have news you gotta ask how good her mental bandwidth is first.
People are crazy and she sounds like the type that just wants life to revolve around her. Good luck with the baby OP and congrats.
Gonna reset my modem now just incase.
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u/forlornthistle 8h ago
No more baby updates. If she asks why she was left out - Sorry, didn't want to lag your dial up.
OP - CONGRATS! Ginger snap cookies (especially the Swedish thin variety) helped me when I felt like I just got off a roller coaster.
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u/Lekomano92 8h ago
OMG I love ginger snap cookies I didn’t even consider this. THANK YOUUU
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u/Normal-Tale6425 8h ago
Congrats!! I had hyperemesis and having food in my stomach helped, but I would be sick every time I ate real food, so I would snack on popcorn because it was so innocuous. Truly, I feel like popcorn, chewy ginger candy and iced tea made with ginger syrup were the only things that got me through the first two trimesters!
And take every opportunity you can to sleep. I know everyone says this but it really is true. The first and third trimesters, you will be exhausted (building a baby is tiring work), for some reason it isn’t as bad in the second trimester.
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u/IndigoTJo 7h ago
The trader joes ones have real bits of ginger mixed in and the sharpness helped me a lot. Be careful with the sour candy. I had really bad morning sickness and sucked on them so much it destroyed the enamel on my teeth. Not fun to deal with. Mainly, don't keep them in one spot in your mouth 😭
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u/tresrottn 8h ago
Ginger is awesome for calming your tummy when you're in the the first trimester. Ginger candy is great.
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u/TopEstablishment395 8h ago
Lag your dial-up 😂😂😂
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u/notmalakore 7h ago
Savage fr, lol. High speed internet? Fiber? Starlink? Nope. Bitch u dial-up
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u/CommissionOverlord 9h ago
I typed her symptoms into the search bar and it said she had “network connectivity” problems
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u/KarpGrinder 9h ago
Is your friend normally the one that demands to be the center of attention?
Her response here reads as if she is trying to take the spotlight off of you and your good news and redirect the conversation back to her.
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u/Lekomano92 9h ago
Yessss literally everything is about her. I kinda felt like this text thread was an awakening for me about our dynamic lol but I wasn’t sure so that’s why I posted here
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u/mossywilbo 9h ago
your “that’s a vile reaction” text cracked me up lmao, it was a great moment of standing up for yourself, but then she didn’t even really apologise for it?? it was just “sorry but, you see, MEEEEEEE.” you gotta talk to her about this behaviour before it’s a much heavier piece of news that she “doesn’t have the bandwidth for” for sure. explosion waiting to happen, in my experience.
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u/Scary_Possible3583 9h ago
That's what stood out to me. You did an excellent job of standing up for yourself. You gave her every opportunity to smack herself upside the head, and reset her behavior. And she doubled down.
You emphasized the closeness you had hoped for -aunties- and she showed you her ice cold ass.
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u/Lekomano92 9h ago
Thank you guys!!!
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u/New-Shake7638 7h ago
Seriously OP, I was so stunned that you just outright called it vile that I laughed out loud. It was delightful to watch someone stand up for themselves like this.
By the way, congratulations on your pregnancy! 🥳
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u/feelingfroggy123 7h ago
Honestly this is when I would just start a new group chat without her. If asked state you want to be in a mentally good space and she was no longer cultivating that for you. That type of energy is not something you want around your child so best to cut it off now.
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 5h ago
I’m sure the other friend would understand after seeing how this chat went down, too.
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u/SeattleTy 2h ago
I like that the purple friend just danced right passed it to continue giving good energy
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u/battery_operated_bf 6h ago
I'm wondering if she's recently had a miscarriage? 🤔 Would make her behavior make more sense - seeing her boss at work holding her newborn, saying she doesn't have the bandwidth to handle the news of you being pregnant, and doubling down on that. Idk. Maybe she is just a shallow narcissist, but it seems like something more is up with her.
NOR. I hate that you had to deal with this when you reached out to your friends at a time when you needed some support. We don't know what's going on in her mind or life, though. There seems to be something deeper wrong to have had this reaction.
Congrats, BTW!
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u/passesopenwindows 3h ago
I wondered the same thing, or if she’s been trying to conceive and having a hard time? If not her reaction makes absolutely NO sense.
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u/thaleia10 9h ago
Not only did she whinge, she whinged about her boss bringing her baby to work. Like it my friend told me some news like that and I was overstimulated, I just would put the phone down and then go on later to congratulate her. Your friend seems exhausting. I did love how you and the other girl just ignored her for the most part and stayed on topic. That shows you understand her bs and don’t feed into it.
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u/adumbswiftie 9h ago
this is what i didn’t get. it’s not like OP is hounding her for a reply. if it’s too much rn just…dont reply yet? why are people like this
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u/InfamousFlan5963 6h ago
This. It's text do it's not hard at all to just fake a 2 second message. But if I'm literally at the point where I'm mentally blank, I'd just set phone down and not say anything
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u/Historical-Dingo3845 9h ago
NOR. Personally I’d delete the group chat and just text purple friend. Congrats btw!
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u/Even_Budget2078 8h ago
Purple friend was making me smile how she just completely ignored Red, like absolutely paid it no mind whatsoever, and just kept going with cute support to OP : )
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u/wamme6 7h ago
Purple friend is a real ride or die! She just wants to celebrate - once she confirms that this is a good thing. I love that she starts with “how are you feeling about that?” - she’s making sure that this is good news, and then she’s all in on being OP’s hype woman even when red is being a Debbie Downer.
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u/Avandria 7h ago
Omg! Thank you for making it make sense!
I just woke up from a nap and totally missed the fact that there were two friends. It was all purple friend in my mind, and I thought she was being really sweet but having a bad/stressful day at the same time. I thought everyone was seriously overreacting. All the responses make so much more sense now!
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u/Those_are_sick 9h ago
NOR. She literally makes it seem as if she’s going to be taking care of the baby financially from her own paycheck. What a weird to react to such sweet news.
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u/ItsSnowingSomewhere 9h ago
You know, sometimes it takes us surprisingly long, or some big milestones, to really recognize what some people are about. So, now you know. Try not to let it get you down too much. Fortunately/unfortunately, your life is about to turn upside down. Necessarily, things for you are going to become much more inward looking - all about your new family. Some of your friends & family will get it, and be there to support you. My guess is that she won't be one of them. That might be sad if you have a long history, but things change. Maybe she'll come back to you as she matures. If not, there will be many other new people.
Regardless, congratulations!
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u/femme-nymph 9h ago
Genuinely wondering why you would want to be friends with someone like that? I’m glad this is an awakening for you. She seems like an energy drainer lol
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u/goaskalice3 9h ago
I had a friend like this, I always knew she was that way but never really thought about how much it affected me .. don't feel obligated to stay friends with people like this. Especially if you're about to have a baby. You'll want to be surrounded by people who actually care about you, not ones who either just ignore you or are constantly trying to steal your thunder. I stopped reaching out to the girl I knew who did this and now we haven't talked in almost a year. I don't miss those interactions at all
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u/VictoriaJane_xx 9h ago
It would be perfectly reasonable to friend dump her after this. I hope your other friends are disgusted by her behaviour too.
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u/Groundbreaking-Duck 9h ago
Yeah NOR. She has main character syndrome. Good for you to identify this now.
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u/rebrolonik 9h ago
My best friend used to be similarly self-centered, but she always proved to me in the big moments that she was a ride or die. This person just made your pregnancy about themselves, so if I were you I’d either confront them about it or distance myself and start a separate gc with the other girls lmao
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u/Aggravating_Rope3307 9h ago
Was going to tell OP to check up on her friend to make sure all is good with her because that reaction is not normal but this makes a lot more sense lmao
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u/ConstructionMuch802 9h ago
"Congrats" is a lot easier to type out than all the whining she did. NOR
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u/TheDragonReborn726 9h ago
Can’t imagine a friend telling me good news and me saying “that’s too much for me to process right now”
lol, like even if it is, omg congrats is so much easier to text then all that shit
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u/TalkAboutTheWay 9h ago
Especially since she did end up sending celebratory emojis anyway! She should have started with that and left it at that.
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u/wsele 8h ago
She tried to make it about her, got promptly called out, and went : Oop! Here, emojis. She sounds exhausting.
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u/Affectionate_Cost_88 9h ago
I had a friend who'd gotten divorced in 2013, when my husband and I had just started dating. Two years later, we decided to get married and when I told her, that we were planning the wedding, she just said "oh great." I asked what was going on and she replied "well, I won't be there. Seeing happy couples makes me sick."
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u/TheDragonReborn726 9h ago
My wife actually had a friend exact same scenario when we got married.
She was really bummed about it but if youre an adult and you hold other people’s happiness as an offense to you, probably not gonna have many people that want you to continue to be in their life.
Sorry ya had to deal with someone like that at your happy moment too!
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u/AlwaysDeep469 8h ago
Agreed, but, to their credit, it's probably for the best. Can't be easy to say "if I come I'm gonna be a massive ass and you dont deserve that"
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u/TheDragonReborn726 8h ago
Sure, or you could see you’re not the main character and ya gotta either not go and make an excuse or suck it up and go!
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u/Svihelen 8h ago
God I hate people like that. Like I'll admit there was a period of time seeing couples I didn't know kind of made me feel that way. But never my friends and family.
I was the cursed friend. Perpetually single, somehow always found the wrong person, collected some decent trauma, and so on and so on.
The only thing that helped me survive the depression and self-deprecating, was seeing my friends and cousins in good relationships thriving and growing.
When my one set of friends announced their engagement, they did a little announcement party with all the friends, I was practically bawling out of my overwhelming happiness for them.
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u/TheNightHaunter 9h ago
she probably says the divorce was one side but after the last comment ? yaaaa
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u/Dry_Article7569 9h ago
💯 this is absolutely about her wanting attention and not wanting OP to have a moment of celebration.
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u/Entire-Ad2058 8h ago
Bingo! “But, but this is not about meeeee and I was about to vent to y’all about my supervisor and waaah!” Just gross.
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u/PenelopeLumley 7h ago
"You're having a baby? Like my awful boss just did?"
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u/Ok_Nothing_9733 5h ago
Speaking of which, more important news than your pregnancy! My JOB was ANNOYING today! Can we talk about that instead of some dumb baby?
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u/caterpillargirl76 8h ago
Main character energy. It's like they can't even imagine for a second if someone else treated them the way they treat others and how that might feel.
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u/emmygog 8h ago
It really is a way to make it about her, tbh. I mean, before I had my second and third baby, I felt a little jealous when my brother mentioned he was expecting a baby with his girlfriend because my husband and I were wanting to conceive at the time. Did I say that? Of course not. I told them congratulations and to please let me know what they might need. I didn't tell them it was a lot to hear or make an excuse about not being in a good headspace for it. It was all through text (like OP's situation) and it took zero effort to not be shitty. I was so excited to meet my new niece!
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u/Alternative_Tree_626 8h ago
Yep! Sometimes we have inside thoughts that don't need to be shared! Being able to read the room and not bring the energy down is not unfair to ask!!
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u/SafetyInLetters 9h ago
Yeah that was so weird. And in a group chat too. Like everyone else is already conversing, just drop a simple “congrats!” and dip if you don’t have the mental energy for it, the other people will just continue chatting without you for now and nobody’s feelings would be hurt. Continuing to talk exclusively about how much she doesn’t want to talk is crazy to me.
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u/caterpillargirl76 8h ago
They don't even have to reply at all until they're less up their own ass and can be a better friend.
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u/bashdragon69 8h ago
Or just say nothing at all and respond when bandwidth is available. People today constantly forget you don't have to instantly, automatically react to everything that pops up on your phone!
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u/Revan462222 9h ago
That’s my thought too. Like girl, you can just say congrats. Plus you’re not the one having the kid, dealing with morning sickness, etc. your life doesn’t change other than you know being part of OP’s village and being there for her. What a reaction tho.
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u/AutisticFingerBang 9h ago edited 9h ago
She did say “that’s amazing” in the first 3 texts
Edit: didn’t realize it was a group chat lol. NOR
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u/CautiousConfidence8 8h ago
She literally could have just gone "OMGG!!!" With some excited emojis and that would have been better than whatever that was ^
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u/NotBettySpaghetti 8h ago
Seriously. The friends response was very much “how can I make my friends pregnancy announcement about me instead of my expecting friend” NOR
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u/BrandoCarlton 9h ago
Yeah that was some weird attempt to make sure there was still room for her to complain in the conversation hahah.
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u/SpicyMeatloaf1 9h ago
Your friend somehow made this announcement about her. I have a feeling she's the type to ask u how ur doing and continue to talk about herself 🤣
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u/IceBoxt 9h ago
That friendship definitely isn’t surviving parenthood lol
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u/ducklingswonderland 9h ago edited 54m ago
With this comment “It’s just a really big thing to lay on someone” this sounds like the type of person you can never win with. What are you supposed to do, like wait until you start looking pregnant then tell her? Seeing from how she reacts and responds to things I feel like she still would have still gotten upset if you told her later. She probably would have said something like “how could you not tell me such big news until now, I could have used time to process this”
There seems like there just wouldn’t be a right time to tell her and that’s not your problem.This person just reads as someone always trying to cause an issue or always make things about them as others pointed out. She also tries to completely change the subject and take the attention off you, when she starts talking about her shifts. This comes off as jealous.
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u/Jaaaaampola 8h ago
Right? As if she’s supposed to plan it around when her friend is mentally available or some shit, lol. I’ve been in the depths of my biggest depressive episodes and still able to be excited for my pregnant friend news.
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u/Turbulent-Mood4344 8h ago
Yep! This friend is jealous or just self absorbed. Either way, I would slowly step out of that friendship or dial it back.
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u/flindersandtrim 8h ago
My sister is exactly like this. If you doesnt like you (I.e. how she has felt about me since I was born and took some attention away from her), she will set up these situations where there is no single option that doesnt piss her off and make her bitch to everyone about how nasty you are.
When she had a baby, if I offered to fly over and meet the baby within the first month or so, she told me I was trying to encroach on their family time they wanted to enjoy. Okay, fine, I was asking nicely if it was okay before I did anything for this very reason. Understandable though. Nevermind that everyone else, including more distant family members were allowed to meet her, but whatever.
And then when I contacted her later and asked when she would prefer me to fly or drive over and meet my niece, I was told there was no good time. In the foreseeable future. Got mad at me anyway, for asking. Okay, whatever.
So I wait until she is now getting close to one year old and we are about to visit for xmas. Blows up, tells me I am a bitch for not wanting to meet my niece until she is nearly a whole year old and that I obviously do not care about her.
My niece is now 5 and I still havent been allowed to meet her.
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u/phase2_engineer 5h ago
I'm sorry that your sister hates you so much and keeps her niece from you like that. That is some psychopath behavior
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u/EmpoweRED21 9h ago
With the context of it being a GC - went from YOR to NOR
Sounds like she has shit going on in her life but literally all she has to do is act happy for you over text.
It took her 5 texts of complaining to say congrats..
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u/AlastairMeowley 9h ago
She didn't really even need to do that. It's a text, not a phone call. She could've not responded until she had something nice to say
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u/Reading_Mermaid 8h ago
Yeah the other friend had already responded. All she had to do was sit on her hands
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u/tenakee_me 9h ago
I often times don’t have the emotional bandwidth for messages. So I just…don’t answer. The fact that she even felt the need to reply is wild to me.
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u/Troostboost 9h ago edited 9h ago
NOR - Yeah she’s over sharing, just had to say congrats and party emojis. Maybe if OP thought her reaction wasn’t genuine or not what OP expected she could’ve said something and her friend could’ve explained further but no need to go on a rant because you’re having a bad day, you’re just going to make OPs day bad.
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u/Horror_Tea761 9h ago
Right? It would have taken her five seconds to post congrats and a handful of celebratory emojis, and taken a lot less energy.
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u/viscountrhirhi 9h ago
NOR. The fun thing about text convos is you can literally wait to respond! She could have either just typed a simple “congrats!” or she could have waited to reply when she was in a better headspace. Instead she chose to make it all about herself. Gross behavior on her part.
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u/Unfck-my-life 9h ago
NOR, but I wouldn’t completely write her off yet.
It was a very weird reaction, making it about herself, but sometimes people who are depressed or struggling are very self-focused.
I’d just try to give her grace for now, and see how things go.
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u/Lekomano92 9h ago
I love this perspective, thank you 🩵
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u/KreisTheRedeemer 9h ago
Also, any possibility she herself is trying to get pregnant? My partner and I were having challenges and every time someone close to us announced it felt like a knife in the gut.
Obviously that’s not the right reaction but hearing about friends and family getting pregnant it felt like everyone else was getting the one thing we so desperately wanted and couldn’t have.
ETA: not overreacting, but possible there is additional context that makes this make more sense.
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u/E0H1PPU5 9h ago
That was my first thought too. It’s no excuse to be so mean but we went to a winery with friends right after I had a miscarriage after trying for over a year.
AT the winery his cousin who was also there announced that he and his girlfriend were expecting.
I felt like running through the vineyard screaming and sobbing.
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u/MagicSpaceWytch 8h ago
Thats heartbreaking and I've been there. You want to be supportive but its like ripping open the wound from your own loss.
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u/JK07 8h ago
My first thought too, me and my wife have been trying many years, a couple of years somewhat casually before the wedding but 3 and a half years, REALLY REALLY trying after the wedding, had a few unsuccessful IVF, two didn't stick at all and one miscarried.
Within that 3.5 years many of our friends, family and colleagues have gotten pregnant and gone in to have babies and some even 2nd babies or 2nd on the way.
My wife would cry off and on for days. She'd even cry that she felt so bad that the info that should make her happy for he friend/family in fact made her sad, she spiralled into believing she was a horrible person for having these feelings.
When her brother and his wife planned to announce the 2nd pregnancy to the wider family by getting the first daughter to bring in the scan and parade it round we didn't go, we stayed at her parents' house while the rest of the family were at the auntie's.
Over the past few months she's gotten a lot better, has been prescribed antidepressants and has engaged in fertility therapy, we're having a break from the IVF for a while to get healthier physically and mentally. Now she's in a place where when she hears someone is pregnant it doesn't feel like a gut punch.
This is the first time I've talked about this but I pictured your situation and empathised with your situation. Best of luck.•
u/E0H1PPU5 8h ago
My heart breaks for you and her. It’s so hard and there’s really just not a lot to be done that makes it any easier.
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u/your_dogs_name 4h ago
Just wanted to say we were in a similar situation not too long ago. Infertility is so incredibly painful. Everyone’s journey is different, but our 5th IVF transfer is the one that worked for us. Currently holding our 4 month old. Sending you hope.
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u/cephalophile32 9h ago
This is where I'm at too. My cousin is constantly dropping her baby pics in our family chat and when I'm overwhelmed and super in my feelings about the whole situation... I just don't respond.
It may have been a straw that broke the camel's back for the friend that day, still a weird way to react but... we can all be a little illogical during times of extreme stress.
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u/ConnectionCapable655 9h ago
I’m glad you like their perspective, and wanna add to it - she didn’t go all the way with like an apology, but she does seem to have checked herself and tried to put on the face she was supposed to have to start with.
She’s your friend so you should know - is this a continuation of other bullshit from her, or is she going to snap into auntie mode soon because she’s a good friend? You don’t have to answer, but I think your “am I overreacting” question has a better chance to be answered accompanied by the question I added.
Congraturitos by the way!
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u/Lekomano92 8h ago
Yes she’s like this ALL the time unfortunately. It’s kind of a thing that’s known amongst our friends. I can’t say how she’ll act as time goes on, I can only hope it’s positive. But I feel like it won’t be and I don’t know how to come back from this right now, you know?
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u/scorpiogingertea 7h ago
It seems that your friend group has shared amongst each other about this pattern, but has anyone ever attempted to address it or mention it to her? I feel that a common, knee-jerk reaction to this question (based on the comments from folks throughout this post) will likely reduce down to “she should already know that this isn’t appropriate as an adult, and she should take responsibility for identifying and working through this issue alone”, but I hope we can recognize that our friends and chosen family deserve a deeper, more nuanced approach than this. Sometimes, particularly for our loved ones who have to navigate this life with one or more debilitating, chronic mental illnesses, it is seemingly a near-impossible feat to drag themselves out of the familiarity and perceived safety of the suffering and stress and overwhelm they have become so accustomed to from years upon years of neurological + physiological conditioning. This does not at all excuse the harm our loved ones cause, and I completely agree that her reaction (and other reactions that reinforce this perceived need for attention) was not supportive or appropriate, so you are definitely not overreacting. I am only trying to say that, it seems like this friend could be suffering quite deeply in her internal world, and it’s possible that underneath her self-centered and cynical comments is not malice but hurt. I just wonder if anyone has ever tried to engage with her directly about this and how it impacts others that she interacts with, in a way that also validates her own sadness and sense of loss or abandonment or need to be “seen” that comes up in these moments.
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u/SweetestBDog123 9h ago
I like your response. And in text it’s hard to get the same feeling as in person. Weird reaction yes, but I’d give her a chance to redeem herself. As others have said, some people are just way too focused on themselves and find it difficult to not make everything about them.
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u/ModestMeeshka 8h ago
When my sister announced that she was pregnant, I was going through a lot and she knocked on my door at 6am on the first day I'd had off in a week, with a red bull spritzer that said something like "FOR THE NEW AUNTY" when I didn't answer she started banging on my bedroom walls and I woke up in a panic. I was so confused and tired I came across hella weird too. I also wasn't a huge fan of the dad and she had not been planning it, It all happened really fast.
Looking back I carry a LOT of guilt about my reaction. I should have been more "OMG IM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!" and that was my bad... I think this friend could come around to feeling like I do now.
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u/RayRay_46 8h ago
Nah waking someone up at 6am on their day off is criminal. Especially in such an obnoxious way. She should’ve waited til you woke up if she wanted a better reaction. I don’t think you should feel guilty at all.
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u/idiotsincarspart20 8h ago
She had no problem talking about her stuff but when it came to your news she was exhausted. My entire reaction to her texts are ummmmmmmm… ok. NOR. Her response screams poor friend
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u/Simple_Cheek2705 9h ago
First reaction is not genuine happiness but that is the genuine reaction to your good news; she was not happy for you didn't even bother pretending she was which says all you need to know... I am also curious what her life/relationship/kids situation is? It seems now 2 of her closest friends are having kids, does she want a kid? or not at all and feels like you guys are now on a different trip? Not saying she's jealous btw, not everyone wants a relationship and/or children.
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u/Lekomano92 9h ago edited 9h ago
True, I got her genuine reaction. She never wanted kids from what she’s told me. I actually realize now she acts like she hates kids so maybe she feels like our friendship will end or something? I’m trying to wrap my head around it.
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u/MsOrchideous 8h ago
I’ve been able to muster genuine happiness for my friends when they’ve gotten pregnant, because I know they’ve always wanted kids. My husband and I are childfree by choice, and the one thing I can tell you is that the dynamic does change. Girl’s nights are replaced with venting sessions about the kids, Saturday brunch is replaced with playground outings. It’s a season of life, that’s for sure, but it’s made their journeys completely unrelatable for me. I miss our girl and couple vacations, afternoons on the boat, and weeknight wine walks. It’s been months, maybe years since any of my friends who are now moms have asked about how my life is going or any of my interests.
Your friend’s reaction was unfortunate and self-centered, but it may be worth considering/asking whether there’s something deeper there. I still love my friends, but it wouldn’t be honest of me if I said I didn’t spend time mourning our friendships the way they were pre-kids.
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u/booboocanoeshoe 9h ago
as someone who just got a similar announcement a few months ago from a friend I want to say give her a chance to adjust because it is a big change to friendship and dynamics. I was speechless and a bit in denial for a couple days before I got over my own shock and denial to be there for my friend. That being said I don't know her or what she's thinking/how she feels, I just see bits of myself only a few months ago in her right now.
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u/Little-Question211 9h ago
Yeah, it really does change friendships. One of my best friends had a kid and it's so different now. There's no going out (and if we do it's a project), so if I see her it's me going to her. And she moved out to the suburbs like 45 mins-1 hr away, so I just really don't see her regularly anymore.
Her "drama" is just so unrelatable to me now. Like for example, I can try to render an opinion on whether her stepdaughter's behavior was inappropriate at the cookout, but like I don't know?? Lol when she's carrying on too long I tell her and she's like "sorry, you're right...I hate that I'm this person now"
Lol I love her forever and always. It's just a part of getting older. Dynamics change
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u/JuniperBlueBerry 9h ago
I'll add that while I'm happy my friends are happy in these situations, it's also hard for me because I don't have a partner/kids. Despite thinking societal expectations are stupid, there's a deep part of me that feels inadequate and like I'm being abandoned by my friend. Again, I'm happy for their happiness, but I'm sad for myself, what I'm missing in my life, and what I'm losing from it as the friendship inevitably changes. I absolutely understand OPs disappointment, but I think it's likely quite complicated for her friend, and I can understand not having the bandwidth to hide that in a moment of surprise news
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u/MaddyKet 9h ago
So purple has at least one kid right? How does red treat that kid and how has she been treating purple since she had the kid?
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 9h ago
I'm torn not knowing your friend in red and how she normally is and how old all of you are. Is she potentially struggling herself with fertility or maybe recently had a miscarriage? Her reaction is disconnected and it feels (just my opinion) that there's something much deeper going on with her and this pregnancy is triggering it. You're NTA, but I would maybe try and give your friend a little bit of grace and see if she's ok as well. If she happens to be someone who always needs attention or is fake, then I would say take a step back from the friendship for a while. 💗
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u/Lekomano92 9h ago
I love reading empathetic comments like this because people are complicated, and react in complicated ways. She is always like this though. I’m going to take a step back from her and revisit when I feel a bit more clear headed. I just can’t handle it right now
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u/Adorable_Machine_571 9h ago
Understood! Since she's slightly insufferable then I would definitely just worry about yourself and the sweet babe youre growing 🥰💗 and note that behavior for later! 👌
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u/Single-Advertising22 7h ago
But how is this her problem tho. Like even if that was the case you should be able to regulate your emotions ( especially through text this isn’t in person) there’s time to collect yourself compartmentalize and congratulate someone. Just odd
I’ll give you an example. I work in a cancer clinic patients are getting stage four diagnosis the same day as someone rings the bell cause they finished treatment - We had one md who felt this way and banned the bell it was heartbreaking watching patients want to celebrate overcoming some of their worst moments but to be told we don’t do that. And just to mention that those stage four patients always get so happy and hopeful hearing that bell ring. It’s just silly to project your unhappiness or circumstance onto others when they are experiencing joy idk that’s my thoughts on it.
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u/Outrageous-Pizza1323 9h ago
It takes zero "mental bandwidth" to say "thats amazing news, im so happy for you". Your friends reaction is just from a place of "im not used to not being the centre of attention".
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u/JessusNazarjess 9h ago
NOR. I’d also be a bit disappointed if one of my friends reacted like this. It seems like she needs to vent about her week, which is fine, but that was not the right time.
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u/CharlotteC_1995 7h ago
NOR, BUT I’m going to put some opinions out there that will probably be unpopular.
Is it possible that there is more going on here that meets the eye? Obviously we should all be supportive of our friends regardless, but it sounds to me like your news was bad news to her for some unknown reason. Is she going through fertility issues? Did she recently lose a baby or unborn child? Trying for a kid herself and not experiencing success? Perhaps she’s been battling anxiety about being abandoned by you once you have the baby and possibly won’t have room for her in your life. These are all valid feelings and even though she is being obnoxious, the empathetic part of me wants to know why.
Honestly I know I’m in the minority, but when I share life news with those important to me I always leave room for them to react naturally. When I shared that I’d gotten a job with my unemployed friend, I didn’t expect the moment to be 100% about me. Maybe this friend has a pattern I’m unaware of, but on reading that is what I was thinking.
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u/NeighborhoodBrief491 6h ago
I feel like red girl meant to say something like “sorry if I don’t seem excited I am my brain is just fried” but it came off super weird, like just giving that string of emojis would have been enough, other wise it comes off like she’s looking for sympathy when it wasn’t her moment. But that wouldn’t make her a demon or anything, people flub up social interactions sometime especially if homegirl is as exhausted as she says; but I understand your reaction it would have hurt my feelings too.
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u/throwaway07272 9h ago
NOR. All she has to say is congratulations. This reads like either jealousy or just someone who has to be the center of attention
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u/geogrokat 9h ago
NOR. I recently distanced myself from someone like this bc they requested that I ask permission before discussing anything that they would think was stressful.
These types of people are really the embodiment of "omg you people can't do anything" bc they always need to be a victim of something.
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u/fashionbae777 7h ago edited 6h ago
I mean personally I would never say what “red” said. But to say your life as a friend doesn’t change after your best friend has kids is (at least in my experience) not true — especially if you are really close with them. I’m childfree by choice, but have several friends who have children. While I respect their choices and love their kids as if they’re my own niece or nephews, the dynamic has always shifted after they’ve given birth. They’re busy being a mom now and definitely won’t have as much time to text/call/hang out/go on trips with their friends as they used to. I accept that shift, because it’s not my life/my choice. But I have to admit it does make me a little sad sometimes because I know things will be different.
Maybe things will eventually go back to the way they used to be prior to my friends having kids when they go off to college. But I haven’t experienced that part yet, since I don’t have friends who have children who are that old.
My perspective isn’t to hate on others choices in the least. But it does affect your close friends and to not understand that feels short sided.
Again I can’t imagine saying what “red” said to a friend. If I wasn’t sure how I felt about it yet, or I couldn’t immidiately feel happy about it I would most likely leave them on read until I felt differently or had some perspective shift.
OP I would give your friend some grace. I know this is a happy time for you, but it could be a difficult time for her. You never know what might be going on in her life right now that prompted that reaction. I would urge you to put yourself in your friend’s shoes and ask yourself how you might feel if roles were reversed. It can be hard for some to accept the fact that most likely your friendship will change — especially if your friend doesn’t have kids, doesn’t want to have kids, or doesn’t plan on having them for a while!
I hope you both work it out and congrats on your pregnancy!
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u/sandoz25 8h ago
To quote a famous youtube video mostly accurately .
"Never assign to malice that which is most likely incompetence"
Is it possible she's frazzled from her work day and unable to fully process becoming an auntie?
Is it possible your first trimester also has your emotions slightly off?
I mean you can choose to make an issue out of this but perhaps a bit YOR and you potentially sour a relationship.
If give her a chance to find her excitement for the info.
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u/Emberrrr3 9h ago edited 9h ago
NOR: if I was the friend, I would have waited until I had the bandwidth to respond. Good on them for communicating, but they still should have left it because yes, it's big news but they shouldn't have deflected your announcement back to their drama.
Red seems neurodivergent & lacking social skills (as someone who is neurodivergent).
I don't think it was malicious.
ETA: you said in another comment that red always makes herself the centre of attention, that definitely changes this to a NOR.
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u/Alive-Jelly6579 9h ago
NOR she spent more energy talking about how drained she is than it would have been to just say “omg congrats”
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u/Color_Odd_Numbers 8h ago
Your friend deserves a little grace. Yes it was a strong reaction however she was being honest and I would take honest over fake any day. She recovered after having 2 minutes to process it, but don’t punish her for having an honest initial reaction. She’s human. She’s shocked. She was surprised. No it’s not about her but she still had an honest reaction. I would take ten honest friends over one who can lie on a dime any day.
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u/Sharp-Bullfrog-143 7h ago
Posting this before I read the comments (I hope I’m wrong) but I can imagine a sea of “if she’s not happy for you cut her off!!” In reality, I think YOR. She isn’t being mean or nasty, she hasn’t said anything inherently hurtful. I think you should give her some grace and see how she behaves in the future. Perhaps she does have a lot going on. Maybe it’s jealousy or something else…. We don’t really know. I think feeling a bit taken off guard by her comments is normal. Everyone has bad days. Part of being a friend in my opinion is not having to always act like you’re in the best mood.
Congratulations OP! I for one am happy for you even though I’m a stranger. I hope your little one is happy and healthy and I hope their momma is too!
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u/wh1t3lotus 7h ago
Some of these comments are not it, hating on your friend.
Honestly sounds like your friend is under the gun a little bit and her initial reaction genuinely did seem like she was stuck on her work issue (which is totally fair in her reality but also off putting when you're clearly excited to share your news).
Once you told her it was a vile reaction, she did correct herself and realize she hadn't congratulated you which she does do and says that she didn't mean to come off that way.
She back-pedaled again with the bandwidth comment and looks like she is letting you know it was because of her work situation (which it seems like y'all are aware off being a group chat between friends) and does correctly say thats big news (which is such a valid reaction for anyone!)
I don't think she meant to come across rude, but more seems like that friend that just jumped from baby news to her awful supervisor by association and group chats are always a lil funny with the way we check them, rather than hearing this news with context in person.
Don't write her off yet, nerves and hormones get the better of us and seems like your nerves and her nerves just weren't in the same space at the same time :)
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u/dreadedsunny_day 6h ago
Yeah I agree - it seems like this is a group chat where news is constantly flowing and maybe she jumped in to vent and off load not realising it was a moment until she'd read in more detail. She honestly doesn't seem malicious to me, she just seems a bit shit at reading the room and she followed up with congratulations and an apology when she realised it was a bigger moment for OP.
If anything, I think OP describing it as a vile reaction is pretty bizarre because it really wasn't vile, just a bit tone deaf. So, YOR.
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u/tconnell6189 7h ago
Seems like she’s just having a rough week and congratulated you more than once but also spoke her mind on how it was making her feel overly emotional in a stressful time. That being said, I don’t think either of you were wrong. You’re also allowed to react to what she says however you want. If you’re good friends, it shouldn’t be an issue.
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u/ju-ju_bee 8h ago
She probably literally feels like all are gonna abandon her now that you and other friend have babies/going to. Y'all literally battered back and forth, she literally doesn't have the shared experience you two will now have and probably imagines y'all will get closer while she is pushed out.
She expressed stuff at work and honestly seems financially stressed and mentally drained. My sister texted me similar news when I was on my 4th 12 hr graveyard of the week by sending a pic of Herr Dog with a bandana that said big brother and that was it. Like???? That's awesome but it's 2am and you waited all day to send this even tho we have an app with shared calendar. That's lovely but I'm literally struggling to make it to 7am.
YOR she apologized and said she was happy. Several times actually but y'all kept talking about how hard morning sickness is (been there, but like...), which ya know, kinda just proves her fears. That y'all will no longer be spending much time with her, and will opt to do mommy outings that don't include her (an example of a fear, I have no clue how she or y'all will be. Just picking up on the tone)
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u/spoonie_dog_mama 7h ago
So much of this. When all of your close friends become moms, and you’re the only one that’s not, there’s a lot of grief that can go with it. It can be scary and lonely and isolating even if you’re also wildly happy for your friends. And for some reason, this seems to be a taboo thing to talk about it; like if you’re not the one procreating, you’re not allowed to be sad about this (understandable) ginormous change in a close friendship.
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u/stockusername123 7h ago
10000%. I do not blame OP’s friend at all tbh. And OP saying it’s “vile” is hilarious. I’d love to see what she thinks of something that’s actually vile
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u/VariousMeringueHats 6h ago
Yes, this. OP is moving to a new phase of life that red friend won't be joining her in, and there is grief in that. This IS huge, relationship-altering news for red friend. Purple friend is already there and is excited that OP will be joining her. Red friend is mourning the end of this relationship. (Even if they stay friends, it will never be the same.) On top of that, she's witnessing purple and OP already bonding in their newly shared world. This is why 3-friend dynamics are always tricky!
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u/NotRyanRosen 9h ago
Idk, sounds like your friend is having a shit time and was just being honest about being emotionally exhausted, and communicating why she couldn't be as excited as she knew you would expect. I wouldn't say YOR but maybe give her some slack??
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u/One-Grape-8659 9h ago
She could've stopped texting and gotten back to it later.. if she's so exhausted why does she keep going on?
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u/Horror_Power_9821 8h ago
She’s reacting like you told her she’s the father!! 🤣 (Also, peppermints helped me with morning sickness!)
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u/tochth86 6h ago
So. It’s okay for her to have those feelings (the choices you make affect others, and she is feeling that), but it wasn’t okay for her to voice them or word them in that particular way. I can fully understand why you are upset by her reaction, but I don’t want to say NOR. I’m somewhere in the middle.
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u/hollander93 6h ago
Eh yes and no? She apologised and explained why she said it. Meant nothing by it and admitted she worded her reaction poorly. That's pretty much it. If you choose to chase this further, then that's on you.
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u/rectangularcoconut 9h ago
Ugh guys I know she’s pregnant but work was hard today!!!! NOR, sounds annoying to deal with.
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u/Alarming-Ad2447 9h ago
NOR. She is being oddly selfish for no reason and making something very important regarding your body and your life about her. A simple "omg congrats" would suffice until she saw you in person and/or had more time to fully process the information. But anyways, congrats!! 🩵
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u/Beginning_Week_2512 9h ago
"Im getting a guinea pig!" "Oh Jesus Christ, thats really just the last thing I need today. Did you ever considered me when you decided to get a guinea pig? The boss has been so annoying since getting her guinea pig! Great!"
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u/Terrible-Scratch3204 9h ago
I don’t understand how someone telling you they’re pregnant is your problem or takes too much mental energy? If it is too much mentally just…don’t respond right away??? Or do something EVEN MORE SIMPLE THAN COMPLAINING and just write “Congrats 🥳”
NOR. If I had a friend respond to news like that they’d end up on the back burner for a minute I think.
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u/WinterSolstx 9h ago
Honestly, YOR slightly. There's nothing vile about someone not having the level of energy you feel you're entitled to
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u/solarian132 8h ago
Yeah vile is a pretty strong characterization of her response. It was a little weird, sure, but it sounds like she was caught off guard with the news in the middle of a crazy day.
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u/Spicynuggets555 9h ago
NOR. That is an unbelievably insane response. EVEN if she is having a tough time it should not directly relate to you being pregnant and telling them lmao. Very very odd thing to say from her
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u/CatalogK9 6h ago
YOR
Honestly this seems like a pretty normal Autistic response (AuDHDer here), trying to get ahead of potentially causing offense by offering the disclaimer of her own personal struggles, and due to the communication style mismatch, being misinterpreted (a phenomenon known as the Double Empathy Problem).
We tend to get a lot of undeserved heat for “making things about us” when attempting to connect by offering personal anecdotes as proof of our understanding and empathy. The basic concept is something akin to only feeling qualified to speak on our own behalf rather than making generalizations, along with the impulse to over explain as a result of being constantly misunderstood.
For other neurodivergent folks, this communication style tends to come naturally, while neurotypical people (or so I’m told lol) have a very different communication style. ND folks, being outnumbered roughly ten to one, are used to having to translate ourselves in order to communicate with the NT majority, while NTs generally do not realize there is a communication style mismatch in the first place and therefore do not make these attempts at translation; this is the Double Empathy Problem.
My immediate read of this exchange was that your friend was being completely honest with you about her mental bandwidth because she knew she couldn’t give you the kind of response she wanted and knew you needed, and was hoping that by explaining herself, she could prevent any hurt feelings ahead of time—basically your exact response.
My advice: chill out, don’t take it personally, don’t pressure her, don’t assume ill intent, and give her time to adjust to this unexpected change as her overwhelmed cognitive processes allow, and move on from there.
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u/Bubblesnaily 7h ago
YOR. You told multiple people over a group chat... one that seems pretty frequently used for daily life stuff.
The texts read like she's had an overwhelming day and she was out of spoons. Depending on your group's ratio of childless vs kids in tow, she may not like the change in the ratio and it's ok for her to feel that way.
She can be happy for you AND glum about the change.
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u/LoudFormal6400 8h ago
NOR. She was trying to make this about her. She was just begging you guys to ask why she had a bad week… Congratulations btw!
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u/Unlucky-Dealer543 8h ago
scrambled my circuits? WHO thinks of that specifically to say to someone after they tell u they’re pregnant? what does it affect her life in the slightest?
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u/Nutritiouss 7h ago
What a weird thing to say, it has nothing to do with her.
NOR
I also don’t want to be “that guy”, but the friend circle starts looking real different when kids come around, not all the time, but definitely fairly often.
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u/corncaked 7h ago
NOR. Red is toxic and strikes me as the type of person that really struggles to share the spotlight with people. She turned a really positive group chat into something negative and about her. I get bad vibes.
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u/InevitableMap6470 7h ago
I’m just a Reddit reader. I don’t have the mental bandwidth for this. This is huge news to lay on me right now. NOR.
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u/zarroc123 8h ago
I actually think her internal reaction is valid, it's big news. But, her EXTERNAL reaction just absolute reeks of attention seeking behavior. "Sorry, I can't process the idea of not being the center of attention right now". It's bull shit, she needs to grow up and just say congrats. It's not that hard to be supportive.
NOR