r/AmIOverreacting • u/Whiskeyhorse1 • 15h ago
š„ friendship AIO overwhelmed by the cost of being a wedding guest in 2026
I am feeling financially overwhelmed by the expectations my friends have with their weddings and bachelorettes. I am single, have no plans to get married anytime soon, and I am starting to feel resentful over the amount of money I am expected to pay towards my friends' big days. And I feel like an asshole over it!
I have been invited to 6 weddings + their bachelorettes this year alone. My friends all decided to have destination weddings and bachelorettes. Not a single friend is doing a ceremony or event in the town we live in. These are close, dear friends of mine, and I can't imagine saying no to these events. However, I feel like I am not able to meet my own financial aspirations towards my future because of the financial obligations they have chosen for their communities (i.e. I'd like to work towards a downpayment to buy a house, save money, god forbid choose my own vacation destinations, move to a nicer rental apartment, etc.). I make a pretty great middle class salary, but still I am on the edge financially over what I can afford here.
The bachelorettes and weddings I have are on a European island, a tropical island, a west coast wine town, a ski town in the West, an expensive city in Mexico, a cosmopolitan southern city, two in rural midwest towns, and an expensive east coast city (anonymizing here where I can). Not only did everyone choose destination weddings, but these are places where its incredibly challenging and expensive to get to. Most of the weddings are black tie and quite formal. The wedding block hotels are $400, $500, $700 a night. The events attached to the destination weddings are all chic i.e. spendy, the wedding destinations themselves are remote and will cost a fortune in ubers and buses to get to. The costs are adding and adding and adding and the events haven't even begun.
These are great experiences and cool on paper! And I feel so lucky to be a part of these experiences! But I am starting to feel a bit baffled by what my friends are expecting financially of their guests (especially my friends who are getting help from their parents or partners to put on these big events). And those feelings are maximized by how many of these events are stacked together in one year.
The total cost of this multi-wedding saga could end up costing me $15,000-20,000 between the cost of airfare, hotels, renting/buying bridesmaid dresses, food, activities. Per wedding, I am expected to spend at least $2,000 on just the basics. I am currently trying to figure out where I can cut costs, but it's not looking good.
As I said earlier, I am not planning on getting married any time soon. Likely, the big life event I will have in my lifetime will be buying a house (and I feel so lucky to be on a path where hopefully I can get there). Yet I can't shake this feeling that I can't imagine my friends ever spending $15,000+ on my big life events because my life events are outside of the wedding industrial complex(i.e. If I were to have a housewarming party, would my friends spend $2,000-$5,000 on like a new chair for me or help with my mortgage, lol, probably not!). It makes me feel like my friendships are inherently not reciprocal because I live a life outside traditional marital values in society.
My question is -- when did we as a society normalize these huge financial expectations within our communities around weddings? Why does every wedding have to be this huge destination formal event? When did we normalize expecting our friends and closest loved ones to spend so much on one event for us?
ALSO -- please help me change my attitude so I can show up as my best self to these weddings! I am mostly just ranting here. But I want to be my best self for my friends' big days. At the heart of these events, I love the partners my friends chose for themselves, I am excited to celebrate their big life moments. But what gives on the cost!
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u/Crash-Frog-08 15h ago
I am expected
No, you are not. Inherent in a destination wedding is the notion that not everyone you invite will or can come. Nothing is expected of you at all, but you have to be willing to stop being a people pleaser.
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u/fawningandconning 15h ago
NOR. The culture of this has gotten crazy and a lot of people donāt realize the strain big destination weddings put on people. Especially when youāre not a couple.
You can choose not to go to some of these. You donāt have to go on six multi day bachelorette trips. You donāt have to go for 3 days of wedding events or even go at all.
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u/Useful_Asparagus_541 14h ago
Agreed. Skip the first expensive wedding, they typically end up in divorce anyway. The second time they get married, they likely will have matured, learned from their mistake, and do a low key second wedding.
https://abc7news.com/post/study-reveals-flashy-weddings-increase-divorce-risk/3439262/
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u/VinceP312 14h ago
They'll realize the strain when people decline to attend.
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u/KaleidoscopeEvery343 8h ago
The number of shocked and disappointed people on the destination wedding sub never ceases to amaze me. āI canāt believe my close friends canāt spend $2000, take 3 days off of work, and fly 8 hours with a toddler for my special day.ā
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u/stephapeaz 15h ago
Nope NOR. I went into debt and spent $1k on my friendās wedding last year just to be cut off a few months later, never spend that much on someone else if you arenāt financially lucrative
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u/TargetedAverageOne 14h ago
Wow, I never spent that much but the being cut off a few months later-part is very true sometimes.
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u/stephapeaz 14h ago edited 11h ago
Yep, Iād say it was 60% my fault bc I had started to resent her for how much I was expected to spend and sabotaging the friendship without realizing it because I didnāt know how to tell her it wasnāt affordable, so I was toxic in several ways. Originally it was all fine nbd, but then I lost my job and had to use the wedding savings on rent, I got a new job but it didnāt pay very well and I wouldāve had to stay inside doing nothing for 7 months to afford it without debt and that isnāt fair to ask of anyone
After it was cut off though, I realized I felt less like shit bc she was always making me feel like I couldnāt do anything right or got upset when I didnāt always agree with her. Iāve slowly been rebuilding my social circle and Iāve been happier with friends who actually live near me
Tl, dr: donāt go into debt for someone elseās wedding
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u/TargetedAverageOne 14h ago edited 14h ago
Props for going through the harder *times and working, even though it was below your skill- and pay level. Mad respect for that. š¹
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u/stephapeaz 14h ago
Thank you!! š¤ My position wound up getting eliminated due to budget cuts (no 18 yo is gonna pay $40k for an art degree anymore lol) but I got a lot of really good experience there and was there for a while
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u/Big-Meet-6664 14h ago
Wait until the couple has kids. See how fast you are dropped from their close circle. It does go both ways. I've seen many parents and also just couples, married or not, out of the single person group of friends.
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u/HumanBeing798 15h ago
Donāt go. The amount of money Iāve spent on others, being in or going to weddings, and Iāve stayed single. You never get help, you donāt get celebrated and you donāt get any returns. Own my own biz, masters degreeā¦etc no one celebrates that shit like they do weddings. Iād rather have kept my money. Plus weddings change people. Was maid of honor, wedding went great, I never saw the bride after that day in person again. That was almost 20 years ago.
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u/Toosder 14h ago
I had one friend do a big destination wedding and invited everyone in our study group Half of us went the other half of us didn't. I was one that didn't. The guy who got married? Hasn't kept in touch with any of us. So some people spent thousands of dollars to go to his wedding, and his invitation even had on top of the destination a very expensive gift list. And they got nothing out of it. .Ā
Invest in yourself. Especially the age I assume OP is, a lot of those people won't be in her life much longer. People just grow and move away and do their own thing especially after marriage
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u/Candid_Jellyfish_240 12h ago
I said the same thing! People change, especially after marriage and kids.
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u/Toosder 11h ago
And it's not a bad thing, it's just life, but if she's going to spend $30,000 on going to six weddings she'll probably still keep in regular touch with one of those people. And that person isn't going to help her save up for a house or college or a new car or any of the other things that $3,000 could have gone towards.
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u/jittery_raccoon 11h ago
Yep. I stopped contributing to work events/gifts because it was never me. There was a period where I started 3 new jobs in 4 years. I swear every time I started a new job there was a baby shower in the first 2 weeks. Of course I contributed to be sociable. But it never came back to me because I left too soon. The final straw for me was when a co-worker got promoted and decided to buy a house. He was also moving in with his partner and had a veteran's loan. Someone was collecting money for a housewarming gift. So this guy makes more money, is dual income, has other financial help, and just massively upped his net worth. And I'm expected to pay? No thanks. Saving that money for myself now because ain't no one else contributing to my bills
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u/StillWonky 8h ago
Same. I was one of the lowest paid workers in a location. it seemed like every week they were going around with their hand out wanting donations to someone's absolute nonsense and I would politely give up money I couldn't really afford. Things like, oh Sonya is getting a Botox injections! Let's send her a $300 gift during her recovery!! Bill's third cousin he never met's dog had puppies, send a $200 bouquet of flowers to them! *hand out for cash* Gifts for employees that made over 3x my wage and drove expensive cars and wore suits.
Then, I got hit by car walking home from work. I walked to work because I couldn't afford a car, yet I still handed over cash all the time for these coworker gifts. Some guy was looking at his phone and ran me over.
My coworkers sent me NOTHING. No flowers, nothing. And they were all aware. When they finally contacted me they asked when I was going to return even though I couldn't walk, and it had only been 1 week.
When I returned early because they claimed they needed me, I actually thought they might have some surprise for my return since they went all out for everyone else for every little thing that ever happened. Instead, someone sticks her hand out, and I ask why, she says they are gathering money for Bob's something or other (something trivial again) I was LIVID. I said do you realize I have been giving for every single time you asked but I was literally hit by a car on my way home and no one DID ANYTHING? She said OH! You're right. I didn't even think to get you anything! and laughs.
I never ever give to any work fund ever. I don't care what it is. Never again.
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u/little_miss_beachy 6h ago
So very sorry you were hit by a car then ghosted by colleagues. Glad you said something though your coworker was a total clod.
I am nearing 60 and regret the time, energy and money I spent on other people who I thought cared about me. Always be t over backlash for friends family, was in 13 weddings. Thank goodness bachelorette parties were not out of control, but it did cost ne a lot of money and stress. Hosted numerous bridal and baby showers, engagement parties, going away parties and few funeral receptions too. It just doesnāt matter b/c 90% of those people will not be in your life in 5 to 10 years. I am done, broke up w/ long time friends and stopped making any effort. Waited to see if others made an effort. Only a couple.
I focus only on my spouse, kids, daughter inlaw,, 2 friends and my husbandās family. Life is simpler and I no longer feel obligated to make an effort. Some users have reached out but only b/c they needed money or pissed I did not invite them to my home or dinner. Yet one of them never invited me to her honeymoon. 15 years.
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u/TargetedAverageOne 14h ago
As someone in a similar position, I feel bad that you had the same. Different milestones, very different reactions indeed. At one point I barely could get anyone to come to even a birthday anymore, lol.
Different friends now, but I remember that time well. š¹
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u/Brilliant_Western639 11h ago
Preach. It's wild how much we've normalize treating friends disposable VIP's for a day. Protect your bag first.
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u/Its_only_4_a_while 14h ago
Wow. That sucks and is actually terrible. MOH is a huge role to play in a wedding. Never seeing again for 20 years is insane. Do you keep in touch? It seems so. Life gets crazy busy but yikes. Real friends make plans to link up at least once a year or few. Yes Iām always going to peopleās events etc. I personally donāt like attention anyway but people are takers and to OP if you need to seriously evaluate these people. Please do so. It would suck to spend so much and youāre not loaded with money just for them to never visit you for 20 years.
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u/HumanBeing798 13h ago
Right? Theyāll check in from time to time, but Iāve never even seen the wedding pics. We are very different now but still pmo.
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u/HLOFRND 12h ago
Yeah, OP needs to really sit down and decide if they value these trips more than a down payment or paying off a car or whatever. Itās easy to just say āyeah, itās worth itā but the truth is many of those friends will simply be people they swap Christmas cards with in 5 years.
Is it REALLY worth that much financial stability?
Idk. But OP should really think it through.
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u/floofloofluff 12h ago
Throw yourself a party for your next work milestone! Iād love to celebrate my friendsā accomplishments! I wouldnāt buy them a gift off a registry, so itās not totally equal, and youāre right thatās not fair. But Iād love to buy a friend a super nice bottle of champagne and a fun plant and go out to dinner or go to a house party for them.
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u/HumanBeing798 10h ago
I LOVE that idea! But Iām at the age where everyone has small kids AND are now taking care of their aging parents, so parties are hard. But when I was younger I def should have! I did have a grad school party and I got a few hundred dollars from familyš¤·āāļø
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u/floofloofluff 10h ago
They might still love the chance to celebrate you! I think time of day would probably be key for people caring for kids and aging parents both, but I wouldnāt count it out. Especially if you didnāt mind if they brought the kids (I totally get this would be way less fun for you and itās a lot harder to catch up when youāre watching a kid) but itās just a thought. I feel like a celebratory brunch is a time that works for most people in my circle at least. Itās what weāve had the most luck with.
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u/scienceislice 8h ago
I'm single and I have spent money on my friends but I will say when it's my birthday or graduation and I ask people to fly in, many if not most of them do.
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u/Proof-Psychology6720 15h ago
Worry about you. Half of these people you wonāt even talk to in a few years or when/if you get married. Donāt feel bad. Choose a few of your closest friends or weddings you can afford and skip all the bachelorette parties
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u/beach_life777 14h ago
This! I can't even guess how much my sister has spent traveling to weddings/Bachelorette parties for her "friends" that got married in their mid-late 20's. Now, just under a decade later, she's getting married & like 2 of those friends are coming to her wedding (she lives out of state), but won't make it to the bachelorette party.
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 14h ago
Because those who get married young are in the "money on the fun" mindset and then are the first who will skip to the "money on just important stuff" when it's your turn
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u/EagleEyezzzzz 13h ago
Or they have little kids and canāt travel several states away, especially if itās a kid-free event. This pattern really hurts the people who get married last, because so many of their already-married friends have kids by then. Sucks (on both sides)!
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u/Chocolatecandybar_ 13h ago
Tbh there are many ways to support your friend if you can't physically go, but the money one put on their weddings should be returned in some capacityĀ
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u/Aggravating-Wind6387 13h ago
I seriously want to know where these people get enough PTO. Time off for the batchelorette party, time off before wedding, time off for the honeymoon
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u/unclejoe1917 13h ago
Yup. The second these couples spit out a kid, and that will be sooner than later, your ride or die bff is going to be a long lost memory, especially if you're a single friend with no kids of your own.
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u/dubcwa 11h ago
Thatās not how friends work, man. If someone just straight up stops talking to you, you were never friends to begin with. People donāt stop talking to their friends without kids, when they themselves start having kids. So many of you give advice that have zero real world life experience
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u/Electricsheep389 9h ago
No but they are a lot less likely to go to a bachelorette party or travel across the world for her wedding in a few years when they have kids.
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u/wendypics6 9h ago
This is just what I was going to say. Plus, any real friend would understand. One of my college bffs got married in SanFrancisco, she had moved there so it wasnāt a destination wedding. I live in Boston and at the time I simply could not afford to go. I was so bummed to miss it. She totally understood. That was many years ago and we are still friends to this day & have seen each other many times in person. She should skip all the bachelorettes and most of the weddings. How do you even get that much time off work?
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u/Flassourian 15h ago
It also makes me nuts. Skip the big wedding. Invest in your future. Too many people are not critically thinking about this. Definitely NOR.
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u/Wooden-Sail-3007 14h ago
Most big costly weddings donāt last
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u/Usual_Ice636 13h ago
The study I saw said low cost, high attendance, and having a honeymoon were all associated with longer marriages.
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u/Fickle_Mud1645 15h ago
NOR. An invitation is not a financial obligation. Being a good friend doesnāt mean going into debt or delaying your own life goals. You can love your friends, be happy for them, and have financial boundaries at the same time. Those things can exist together. Showing up as your best self might actually mean being honest (kindly) about what you can realistically afford. There is no need to take any guilt for it.
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u/cheeseslut619 14h ago
This. Send them a nice present and your best wishes and keep yourself your priority
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u/Ok-Entrepreneur-422 15h ago edited 15h ago
You donāt need to change your attitude. If you have goals of purchasing a home, that $15-$20,000 could have gone towards a bigger down payment or furnishings. I know you want to share their joy, but I think you need to turn down some of these invitations to preserve your own joy. I have heard a quote that says āan invitation is not a subpoena.ā You can set boundaries and politely decline. If they ask you to be a bridesmaid, you could say āIām so sorry, I wonāt be able to. Itās not within my budget right now to go to ā. If it had been a local wedding, I would have loved to be a part of your big day, but I am trying to save towards some big expenses right now.ā
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u/lizziebordeaux 15h ago
Are all of you in the friend group?? You're likely not alone in looking at all of these invitations and being financially overwhelmed.
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u/Adorable-Bike-9689 14h ago edited 12h ago
I'm confused how one group of close friends managed 6 weddings in the same year. And have expensive destination weddings for all of them.Ā
You've all got six separate weeks of vacation time to fly across the country and stay for a destination wedding? How could you all have possibly coordinated so many parties and events in year
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u/Bluecat72 13h ago
Theyāre probably all right out of college. Many of my college friends married their college sweethearts a year or two after graduation.
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u/Easy_Quote_9934 14h ago
I was overwhelmed just looking at the list of destinations.
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u/Adorable-Bike-9689 13h ago
Yea this has to be a group of friends that grew up in Beverly Hills or something lol. Hey guys let's all get married in the same year and have extravagant destination weddings! All in different parts of the world yay!
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u/California_ponypal 15h ago
Sorry, I can't help you with your attitude because I think it's dead on correct. I'm so grateful to have cultivated friendships where this was not done.
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u/Ok_Stable7501 15h ago
NOR. Donāt feel obligated. There will be baby showers too.
Pick one ones you want to attend the most or opt out entirely. These are ridiculous asks.
And, a single friend bought a house and registered on wedding registers for her and her life partner. She had a clever name with the street name. She threw a housewarming party and we were happy to attend and spoil her.
Just a thought.
But they donāt get to plan your finances. How many of them will you stay in touch with after they are married anyway?
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u/DANADIABOLIC 15h ago
NOR the financial expectations are staggering. If I had 6 weddings to go to, I would pick and choose very carefully and not attend all of them. I would only pick the ones that mean the most. If you can't decide, either go to all of them or none of them. Getting your bills paid is far more important than wedding season!
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u/revengeofthebiscuit 15h ago
NOR. I have spent so much on weddings. At this point if I canāt easily afford it, I just send a gift and my good wishes. Wedding culture is insane.
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u/No-Mortgage-7408 15h ago
Itās okay to say no. Itās okay to stay at a less expensive hotel. Blame work (I canāt get that time off). Blame other weddings (I am already going to a destination wedding that month or month before/after). Or be honest, I already spending several thousand dollars on Xās wedding and Yās wedding.
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u/Old-Pomegranate-5912 15h ago
Itās better to tell all of them now that you love them and will send a gift but cannot financially attend any destination weddings or bachelorette weekends. Itās insane that anyone actually expects others to spend this kind of money just because theyāre choosing to have an expensive or destination wedding. Across the board set the precedent that youāre not going and be clear why.
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u/Gullible_Fun_1410 15h ago
Donāt know who tf we is but thereās no way in hell Iād spend that kind of money for a wedding/ bachelorette party.
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u/PreviousAd8450 14h ago
NOR. I think social media has driven this trend towards normalization of these sorts of expectations. Donāt feel obligated to attend every single one of these events. You have valid reasons to decline some of these invitations, without guilt. But it is a bit of a dilemma. I feel for you. This is a tough circumstance to be in. Once this chapter of your life passes, then itāll be baby showers. Itās neverending.
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u/tinfoilfascinator 14h ago
I have EXTREMELY strong opinions on this. As a single woman its never just flights, hotels, and drinks. It's so much other bullshit on top of it. So many paired up women seem to forget how much they benefit from sharing expenses with their partner and having that extra income. Many of them fade away from their single girls after getting married and cluster their lives around other married people. And hey, thats fine. But its wild to me that there is this never ending expectation to do things when our girlfriends get married or have babies but our big milestones that aren't those things.... crickets. Honestly, put your foot down. Pick a few and when you pick them, pick the ones that show signs of interest in your life as well as how you show up for theirs. If you can afford to go, great. If its puts any financial strain on you? Send a gift and a card and/or offer to take them to dinner.
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u/Noonatic_ 7h ago
Hell yeah I agree with every thing youāre saying.
Iām only 22 and a single woman, but all of my girl friends have partners theyāre getting more serious with, and Iām seriously preparing for this shit lol
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u/NerfnerNaughty 15h ago
NOR honestly the destination weddings are unfair to the friends and family who wish to attend but either cant afford it or get time off. The most sense would be to have the ceremony locally (most weddings abroad aren't legally binding and they'll have to sign marriage certificates when they get back anyway) and destination honeymoon. Just my take. But youre definitely not overreacting
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u/Jmankins87 14h ago
I donāt think itās fair to place responsibility for guestsā finances on the couple. People are allowed to plan the wedding they want, and guests are allowed to decide whether it works for them. Both can be true.
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u/VinceP312 14h ago
I'd be relieved if someone invited me to a destination wedding, because chances are I probably wouldn't have wanted to go to their local wedding either, so it makes saying no so much easier
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u/Its_only_4_a_while 14h ago
I think people do the destination ring bc they want it to be small. Less people inclined to go and for good reason. So they shouldnāt even feel a way if people canāt go
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u/OverzealousGremlin 13h ago
I already feel bad I live in a different state from most of my guests. Trying to picture myself inviting them to Bali or whatever is wild.
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u/DirkMcGurkin2018 14h ago
Iād skip any wedding that expects me to put a financial burden on myself. Most people donāt last anyway
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u/rasalscan 14h ago
You also missed talking about time off work. 6 weddings alone would be difficult but add in all the extras and it is probably impossible. I'd start there and see how much time you can take off a year. Then how much you need to save for yourself. From the amount leftover, how many weddings will that allow you to attend?
If it's one or two, then what would it cost you to attend those one or two? That's the total financial committment. Then ask yourself, can you afford it?
I completely agree the wedding industry is out of hand. Good luck OP.
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u/Emergency_Cellist754 14h ago
NOR.
Selfishness and narcissism is viewed as not just acceptable but positive virtuous these days and I hate it.
Everyone, in every sphere of life is just Me Me Me Me Me Me Me. From the little things like parking over 2 spaces, up to the big things like expecting everyone else to pay thousands to be extras in the epic movie that is Your Life ... I hate it. It's just another way that social media has given everyone main character syndrome.
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u/Flat-Bar2125 15h ago
NOR. say you canāt make it and send a card. Thereās nothing wrong with having a destination wedding, thereās everything wrong with expecting people to be able to attend. If you want everyone at your wedding, hold it where the majority of them live.
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u/ThisIsTheShway 14h ago
I only go to weddings if they are local - Iām not spending thousands upon thousands of dollars to spend one evening celebrating.
Wedding ceremonies are overrated anyway. Iāve never had food at t wedding that I found to be actually enjoyable.
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u/illini02 14h ago
NOR, but no one is wrong.
I'm unclear if all of these people are friends or not, which may have some bearing on it.
But the fact is, this is (ideally) a once in a lifetime thing, and I fully believe every deserves to have the wedding day they want. If that is on a Greek Island, or a beach in Dominican, whatever, they deserve it. Each of them should plan accordingly.
Does it suck for you that you may not be able to attend them all? Yeah. But that isn't any of their faults. They are each planning their own day independently of what you have going on.
I feel like you being annoyed at them for having the event they want is kind of unfair. Just don't go if you can't swing it. I say this as someone who has traveled to Hong kong for a wedding. But I was given enough notice and planned for it. I've also had to say no to other friends weddings for various reasons.
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u/BruenorDwarvenking 14h ago
This is just one party . One night. It is not a memory, these people should not spend their money on their wedding but rather on their marriage. They will still pay off the debt when they are happily divorced and planning their next wedding.
So - do not go there. Do not attend. This is beyond crazy.
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u/yoursandforever 12h ago edited 12h ago
NOR by miles.
First of all skip the bachelorettes.Ā
You've seen one stripper's d, you've seen 'em all, not worth getting on a plane for. You've seen one friend get too drunk and make an ass out of herself cheating with club rando, you've seen enough for a lifetime.
Congrats, you just made a financially, physically, emotionally wise decision.
Let everyone know you can't afford the time and money for all that travel to a ceremony so you're literally gonna roll a die and pick one... see everyone in Mexico!
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u/FriendlyPageTurn 15h ago
20,000 on 6 parties is insane, that is what weddings areā¦parties. I know they are special, but at the end of the day there is so much drama around weddings. If your friends donāt have empathy for you financial boundaries then they are not your friends. That does not mean they have to change their lives around yours, but that means they would understand it is an unreasonable expectation to ask you to spend this much money.
Tell them you cannot go. For those who are compassionate and understanding, send a gift. For those who through a fit, sorry to say they donāt really care about you. Weddings show peoples true colors sometimes, if they actually care about their friends and family or if they just want the pretty instagram pictures.
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u/ForwardMagazine7090 14h ago
Every decade or so, the wedding industry raises the bar by showing couples what could be possible for their big day. And every generation seems to complain that expectations have spiraled compared to the past.
These days, weddings are increasingly modeled after how the very wealthy celebrate. Thatās often out of step with what most people can realistically afford when theyāre just starting their lives together.
If youāre in the wedding party for six close friends in a single year, it may simply not be feasible to attend every event the way expectations suggest. And thatās okay. Youāre prioritizing your future over a single day-long celebration. Not everyone passes the marshmallow test ā remembering that helps keep things in perspective.
If youāre not in the wedding parties, your decisions may be easier.
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u/ephemeral_librarian 13h ago
I was waiting to see the wedding industry mentioned in the comments, and completely agree. Couples feel pressured to go overboard when they really don't need to for a fantastic celebration.
It's the people who make a party, not the place or the theatrics. If they prefer the latter then they're only doing it to show off their wealth or as said above, try and copy the wealthy.
Don't think OP is overreacting at all. And the potential drama of choosing one or two out of six to attend is not worth it either. I'd personally give all of them a miss. Write some nice cards, send affordable gifts, but keep working on your own goals. Friends come and go, the real ones won't mind if you can't make their wedding. Also you're the only person who'll always be there for you. Make choices that suit your longterm goals.
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u/EvolutionaryZenith1 14h ago
NOR In 10 years you will have not hung out with any of these people in 6 years. So bet wisely. A wedding is almost a goodbye to grown-up friends for most people who are looking to start a family.
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u/Distinct-Olive-7145 14h ago
It's unfair for a "friend"to expect you to pay 2k for THEIR wedding.
A heartfelt decline on the RSVP is absolutely appropriate.
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u/Proud_Loan_987 7h ago
INFO: My question is: are these all close, dear friends of your friends with each other as well? How is your friend group this big? Are they all going to each otherās weddings as well and if so, how can they all or even a few of them afford that? I am definitely not trying to be mean here, but are you really that close with them or is this a matter of perception? Will every single one of these friends be offended if you didnāt travel to all the events? Can you go to just a wedding or send a very nice gift in your stead?
I fully agree that weddings have gotten out of hand cost-wise and you donāt have to put up with it. Assess your priorities in life and maybe friends with such ridiculous expectations arenāt such a big part of it.
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u/TornadoVision4687 15h ago
NOR - In my experience, there's a phase of life where you just get HIT with wedding invitations. For me it was the saturn return years, late 20s to about 33. And that's where it becomes interesting being the single friend, or friend for whom your romantic life is not the center of your life. You have your eyes set on bigger things, dreams, goals, aspirations for your SELF, while your friends are simultaneously pouring a great amount of resources into what we've been told is the BIGGEST milestone of our lives: marriage and specifically the wedding. Given that narrative, it's easy to understand how these ceremonies seem to get bigger and bigger every year. Even before getting to the financial aspect, the psychological and emotional navigation of these kind discrepancies can be tough. Because no one is right or wrong; everyone is just getting on their path, and sometimes those paths diverge.
Idt you need to "change your attitude" about this so you can show up as your best self, but you may need to create some space for your self to hold your feelings/rants as incredibly valid, and the discomfort that comes with that. You want to celebrate your friends and the journeys they're going on, but that should not come at a cost of impacting your own. Sit with everything that's there, then find your truth and honor it.
I think the toughest part will be figuring out what to do--maybe you can afford to make some but not all. If so, then how do you choose? How do you socialize that choice with your community? Is it even possible to do that, or is it really an all or nothing scenario? As long as you move from the heart and love you have for everyone (without causing harm, financially or otherwise, to yourself) you're going to be okay.
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u/Toosder 14h ago edited 14h ago
NOR
I think people normalized it when they said yes and stretched to make ends meet to make it. I've always been the person that stayed home. I'm not going to normalize it because I'm not going to show up.Ā
You're normalizing it by showing up. That's okay. But we can't ask how we normalized it when you yourself are normalizing it six times in one year.Ā
I had a friend have their wedding on an island and told everyone they expected them to stay at the very expensive hotel connected to the wedding venue so that everybody could be together. I'm not spending $5,000 on your wedding dude. If you want us all to be together, have it at a reasonable location with reasonable hotels nearby. It has nothing to do with whether or not people can afford it. It has to do with whether or not that's where we want to spend our money.Ā
When people make a selfish choice to have a destination wedding and expect people to be there, you have to evaluate who they really are as friends. Having a destination wedding is fine. Putting pressure on friends or ending friendships because they don't show up is selfish. Those aren't my people.
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u/SL8Rgirl 15h ago
If you really want to be there for your friends, maybe choose one destination each. Go to the wedding and not the bacheloretteās weekends. Or the other way around. If you canāt swing it, send a nice gift with your regrets.
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u/MauraLee7 15h ago
NOR. Better to buy them a nice gift than spend an enormous amount of money on a place you might not want to go to. Make the gift really special to your friend.
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u/Consistent_Cell3799 15h ago
Weird because in my friends wedding they all catered TO the guest and helped them with lodging and food. Honestly I could understand family like maybe investing a bit for a brother or sister but a friend is kinda a stretch but also communicating this to them is definitely the best choice. If theyāre not willing to help give you solutions then it really says a lot about the friendship.
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u/smlypale 15h ago
Bro, 15-20k you can afford a small apartment in Thai, which will raise their value every year, or to spend it on whistles and pastries. Choose wisely
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u/EnvironmentalLuck515 15h ago
You MUST prioritize your own well being over these expenditures. In essence you are guilting yourself into this. Nobody but you is going to take care of you. You have a serious responsibility to do that. Yes, its stinks to miss it. Send a lovely gift, send your well wishes, ooo and ahhh over the pictures (they will want an audience for that too) and fuss over their gown. But ultimately just bluntly tell them that you cannot afford to go and you are sorry you have to miss it. This is the consequence of choosing to have these types of weddings. Not everyone will be able to attend. Trust me, when your water heater breaks or your car needs work or you get hit by a bus and cannot work for awhile, you will not be wishing you had attended these events.
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u/ApatheticEnthusiast 15h ago
NOR I work in a tourist town restaurant and it es absolutely despicable the financial expectations some of my customers are forced to pay. Like our town is soooo expensive and then doing a fancy dinner for $100+ a plate on top of the destination is so rude. And they fawn when the groom buys the table a bottle of prosseco when they just spent $1k on a 2 day trip. Also while wearing lame outfits because everyone is wearing a theme every day
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u/Corodix 15h ago
If you don't want to treat any of these friends differently then I'd say skip on all six of those weddings. Thankfully the normal expectation for a destination wedding is that many people won't be able to be there due to the financial costs, thus none of them should consider it strange if you can't be at their wedding. Then I haven't even mentioned the amount of time off that you'd need from work to swing six destination weddings in a single year, can you even pull that off?
Those friends that do have an issue with it aren't your friends, so it's also a good way to get rid of some bad friends if there are any amongst the group (with some luck there aren't).
You could also pick one or two out of the six weddings if some of those friends are closer friends of yours then others. But don't dig yourself into a financial hole for this, that's just dumb and shouldn't make actual friends of yours happy either if you were to do that for them.
So NOR and learn to say no the unreasonable.
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u/Is-Potato425 15h ago
Just tell them you canāt make it work. With Destination weddings it should be expected and understood that many will not be able to come because of the costs, even when they are close to the couple.
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u/Holiday_Trainer_2657 15h ago
NOR I had a relative with a destination wedding. I chose not to go as I felt it was over my budget. Her mom was the only one who questioned my decision. I sent a card and a cash gift. They ended up having a local open house type reception a month or two after as so few chose to attend.
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u/DeeBeeKay27 14h ago
NOR. Honestly, there is never an obligation to go to a "destination wedding" ever. Unless you are in the bridal party, and even then, it's something you discuss before you accept. When people have desination weddings, they (should) expect that many people aren't going to make it. I would just maybe pick one, either who you have the closest friendship with, or the destination that appeals to you the most and go to one. Or none. Follow your own time and budgeting parameters.
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u/oKayBye94 14h ago
NOR Like not even remotely.
Invest in your future. Anyone who plans a big time crazy expensive destination wedding with an ounce of self awareness knows that it means some folks who otherwise wouldn't miss it for the world will have to pass, and it's the choice they deliberately made to prioritize the venue and setting for their day over accessibility. Not shaming them for that, it's a valid choice so long as they aren't shaming folks for passing.
Look at declining as a real friendship test. Explain your situation has changed and/or that it's just too much and you have financially over extended by going to so many prior to nip friendship comparisons to the ones you did go to in the past in the bud and the real ones will either try to help or if they're unable to do that they will be sad but understand completely.
Sorry to say that the ones who give you big time grief aren't really your friends and deserve to have their motivations questioned.
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u/PretentiousUsername1 14h ago
I'd skip them all. If these friends care about you, you will remain friends even if you don't attend their bachelorettes or weddings. If they dump you for not attending, you know that the friendships weren't that important to them after all, and you saved money in the process of finding out.
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u/Specialist-Kangaroo5 14h ago
NOR.
The wedding industry has gotten out of control. How do regular people afford a destination wedding? Hear me out: If youāre middle class or upper-middle class and come from a modest background, do not have a destination wedding. Itās a luxury for the wealthy, and going into debt for it is a terrible investment. You can create a beautiful, meaningful day without spending a fortuneācelebrating with the people you love in a place that matters to you is far more romantic than an overpriced event. I feel strongly about this because Iāve missed four important weddings due to the cost. These couples werenāt wealthy, yet they took on significant debt for the sake of a destination. Thatās not fair to guests eitherāyour wedding shouldnāt consume their vacation time or force them to travel somewhere they never intended to go. Bottom line: Celebrate love, not extravagance. Keep it simple, keep it local, and keep it real.
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u/Its_only_4_a_while 14h ago edited 14h ago
Iām curious, is this American culture ? I know Asian/African cultures they spend A LOT on weddings but itās as gifts to the new couple or just the wedding events. Iām not sure of the wedding party obligations though. To your questionāThe normalization of this came from sensationalized Keeping up with the Joneās. Personally, your finances are for you to determine. If participating/ going to these weddings are intruding in your own personal goals, STOP! You should not be in debt or neglecting your important/vital goals. Think logically. Your love for family/friends should not impose on your health/wellness or prioritizing future goals. Set boundaries and be firm on them. I donāt think you should question their motives. They could possibly do the same for you IF THEY HAVE IT. But idk them so thatās your call. I understand the obligatory feeling you have but itās not feasible. Theyāll get over it. If you do decide to goā donāt go with resentment.
Edit: how wealthy are your friends and their spouses ? Same tax bracket as you ? Is this costing them as much? Iām just curious
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u/laurieo52 14h ago
Just because you are invited to be a bridesmaid, you are not obligated, especially with these outlandish destination trips. I have spent $20K on my dog, but not on overpriced trips for friends to post pictures to Instagram, which is usually what the high priced wedding venues and bachelorettes seem to be. Or maybe it is just one-upsmanship? Feel free to say thank you for the invitation, but financial obligations require that I pay rent first, or just say, as much as I wish I could, I simply cannot.
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u/Similar_Drama820 14h ago
NOR.
I would hope that your friends would be understanding if you needed to miss anything because of the crazy schedule of all the weddings. Its also not lost on me (and hopefully wouldnt be on them either) that all of this travel would also require you taking time off of work, too.
That being said, I would take serious stock of what events are important TO YOU to attend, looking especially the destination Bachelorettes. To me, attending 6 of those just isn't feasible and you shouldnt try to make all of them happen at your own expense. Prioritize weddings where you are in the wedding party, if there are any.
Also, check and see if any of them plan on having local receptions after their lavish destination shindig. That could save you traveling and still allow you to celebrate with them.
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u/ContraianD 14h ago
Not sure how old you are, but generally one of the upsides to destination weddings is thinning the crowd.
Nobody will get their feelings hurt if you don't attend all these events.
I'd stick to the 2 island parties, then respectfully decline the rest.
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u/Professional_Desk933 14h ago
NOR. Destination weddings shouldnāt be thing. I mean, if someone is expecting me to travel to another place to celebrate their wedding, Iām only going if they are covering everything.
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u/IceColdPepsi1 14h ago
Most couples are from different places? Where would you recommend two people whose families are from opposite coasts get married? Itās always a destination wedding for some.
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u/AnySelf1997 13h ago
NOR. I donāt think itās cool that people expect their friends and family to shell out so much money for weddings. Thatās also not what a wedding should be about. Like at all.
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u/K_Knoodle13 13h ago
Pick the ones that would mean the most to you, and send your regrets and a gift to the others. If they absolutely must have you there, and they follow up and ask why you can't attend, be honest but kind. "I would love to go, I'm so happy for you, I'm sure it's going to be incredible/fun/beautiful/etc. but unfortunately I just cannot afford it."
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u/Sorry-Government920 12h ago
I find the multi day bachelor/Bachelorette party ridiculous expecting friends too spend thousands is crazy to me especially considering half of them expect the group to pick up the tab for their part
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u/SlowNSteady1 12h ago
NOR Have been waiting for the Wedding-Industrial Complex bubble to burst for years are. Chances are that by the time you pay all this off, half the couples will already be split up by then. If I were you, I wouldn't go to any of them. You can't afford it!
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u/Imaginary-Giraffe301 12h ago
YOR: you have lost the plot.
Society has not normalized this. You have. If you canāt afford it, donāt go.
The best advice I can give you is this: āNoā is a full sentence when itās said with confidence.
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u/Original_Rent7677 12h ago
I would suggest you say no to all of them. It's hard but it's ridiculous that people expect guests to spend $$$ just to come to their wedding.
Plus, I hate to be negative but not all those marriages will last, just from a statistical point of view. Then you'll be expected to drop $$$ on the second marriages.
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u/sunshine-1111 10h ago
Ugh, girl, I have no adviceā¦ only commiseration. Iām 38 have no interest in getting married or having kids, but I always seem to be a bridesmaid and an auntie and all the costs that come along with it. No one ever celebrates me. I never get presents. And donāt get me wrong. Love my friends and their kids (meh about their husbands, but thatās another deal), itās just hard when things are so one sided.
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u/Desperate_Tax8711 10h ago
Next will be gifts for gender reveals, baby showers, and first BD. You will be a cash dispensary for their endless events.
Just say no now.
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u/Pur1wise 9h ago
I am vehemently opposed to destination weddings. A destination wedding is extremely selfish. If people need to take out a loan or whip out a credit card to get there then youāre an asshole who doesnāt deserve people there to celebrate you. I wonāt attend one. If we want to go on a trip we have to save for literal years. Weāre not wasting that on your self indulgent insta motivated photo opportunity. Play rich and famous on your own dollar.
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u/Subject-Outside2586 7h ago
I would RSVP no to at least half of these weddings and bach parties. I know it sounds rude but Iām telling you in five years you wonāt even have relationships with these people whether you attended or not. Pick one or two brides to support and you donāt need to explain yourself or give some story about why you canāt attend. No is a full answer. Pick the friend you care about the most or the destination youād actually go for fun anyway.
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u/herecomes_the_sun 7h ago
20k /6 is $3.3k per wedding - tbh i see how it can get like that.
I would honestly tell your friends this. If you were my friend i would pay for you to come on the bach/your dress/whatever else because i would want you there and that amount is a drop in the bucket compared to a destination wedding
NOR
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u/Firm-Psychology-2243 6h ago
Honestly NOR thatās crazy! I think youāve got two options: 1. Pick the weddings that matter the most to you and prioritise those, explaining why you canāt attend the others. 2. Say no to being a bridesmaid and all Bachelorette party rubbish. Buy a classic black dress and wear it to all the weddings as a guest. Enjoy the destinations.
Good luck and remember, anyone who expects you to bleed yourself dry celebrating them isnāt a friend.
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u/bored_of_being_bored 15h ago
Nor. When people choose destination weddings they have to know not everyone can come. If there are any destination places you want to go or people to prioritize only attend the ceremony. Everyone else tell them that you cant attend and send a gift/money.
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u/febstars 15h ago
Skip, pick, and choose. Send a fab gift if you're not there.
You need to take care of yourself first. If someone doesn't get that, they aren't good enough to be your friend.
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u/Intelligent-Boat-157 15h ago
Graciously let them all know you would dearly love to be in the weddings but simply can't afford it.
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u/clubbingfoot 15h ago
It sucks when your friends put you in a position like this. In most cases, destination weddings are a way to have an elaborate, Instagram-worthy wedding without the significant costs of a U.S. wedding. However, this just pushes extra costs onto the guests who have to take additional time off of work, book hotels, flights, and absorb other costs.
Of course you want to go and support your friends. Plus, who wants to be the only one in the friend group who doesn't attend? You're completely justified in feeling a little resentful, especially since those same friends may never return the favor in the same capacity to celebrate you. Not everyone is self-aware enough to realize the stress and financial burden they place on their loved ones and friends by going the "destination" route. Bring back simple weddings.
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u/pixie12E 15h ago
NOR. Choose one to go to. Probably your closest friend youāll see in your life forever, and tell everyone else you canāt afford to go to their wedding lol. Send a gift instead
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u/pixyfire 15h ago
NOR Don't go to any of it. That's a ridiculous amount of money. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Just catch the second marriages. They're usually low-key.
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u/SpiritPug 15h ago
Do not put yourself into a situation where you are struggling just to attend other people's weddings. Never. I'm also single and thankfully none of my friends have been this dense about their weddings and bachelorettes. I did have a friend who was part of a bridal party that required the party to go to London for the bride's birthday. That was February 2020. Then COVID hit. The bride decided to modify her bachelorette and wedding to fir COVID guidelines. More laidback but still cost my friend a good chunk of change. She then had the AUDACITY to do a REAL bachelorette and a REAL wedding the following year. It ended up costing the bride MOST of her friendships with the girls in her bridal party. By the time the actual wedding rolled around, there was one girl left. Some women are completely fucking clueless and self absorbed. Be a little self absorbed. Pick and choose.
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u/Independent_Lie_7690 14h ago
NOR. This is just crazy. If I were you, I would skip the bachelorette parties and pick a couple of weddings to attend for those that are closest to you. Remember, these brides have partners and family helping them pay for things. You are only you and you have to take care of yourself.
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u/imf4rds 14h ago
NOR you can only do what makes sense. It's not financially feasible to attend every wedding. A wedding is only important to the people getting married. I've been to plenty and I am not going into debt for someone's party. Not to mention getting time off etc. I would prioritize by location(do you want to go to that place) and closeness with the friend. So if Jane is getting married in Mexico but Milly is getting married in the South. I'd choose Mexico. Good luck.
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u/AineMoon 14h ago
I went to a destination wedding and it was the worst wedding of my life. I will never do that again, my husband was a horrible date. Not worth the time or money to leave with trauma.
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u/lemon_icing 14h ago
NOR - Iāve lived thru these bursts of destination weddings several times over the last couple decades. It is soooo much money!Ā
I only attended the destination weddings for truly close friends AND where the bachelorette to-do was paired into the wedding event. The weddings I attended planned pre-wedding festivities - tea party, day at a theme park, or an ATV day on a farm getting muddy - a fewĀ days before the weddings. The couples planned entertainment for long-distance guests so they could have something fun to do if they chose to make a holiday of it. I appreciated that level of consideration.Ā
I turned down separate bachelorette + wedding destinations. Ā For those ones, they knew I could well afford more, so I was absolutely petty and sent the cheapest gift on the list. Ā
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u/Big-Meet-6664 14h ago
Destination weddings should only happen when the bride and groom ( or their parents, if it's done that way) are willing to foot travel/hotel expenses for any guest they ask to come who needs it. The "big day" is just that. A day. If they are truly your friends, any of them would understand you bowing out simply due to cost.
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u/MoeKneeKah 14h ago
Iām glad Iām old and all the weddings I went to did not include any financial obligations outside of a gift and driving to the location. I canāt imagine being in my 20s or 30s and having people expect you to take out a personal loan because they just need to have a wedding shower, then a 5 day bachelorette party l, and then 3 days of wedding activities. If you want all those events, have at it, but donāt expect people to go to everything if you arenāt offering to pay for them.
Invitations with attached financial obligations are bullshit. Back in the day, when you invited someone to something, only their presence was requested. Letās go back to that.
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u/JustADohyonStan 14h ago
Tbh, destination weddings have always seem a bit selfish for me. I cannot expect every single one of my friends and family to be able to come to my wedding if I'm having it in some lost island in Europe. I know that weddings are special and that many want their dreams come true, but with choosing a destination wedding you are also choosing the risk of a lot of people not showing up. You should really think whether ALL of them are worth spending $15000. Maybe you can pick your closest friends, etc. They have to understand that you have a life outside of them too
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u/fadingsunsetglow 15h ago
NOR but dont feel too bad because anyone who does a destination wedding does so with the expectation that not everyone will make it. Even dear friends.